


The Voice Screaming In My Head

by YellowSky2314



Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Anger Outbursts, Anxiety Attacks, Denial, Don't Read This, First work - Freeform, I'm Sorry, I'm so so sorry, It's awful, Kidnapping, M/M, Mood Swings, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Non-Consensual Groping, Non-Consensual Touching, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Other, Panic Attacks, Rape is not between any of the sides, So does Virgil, Swearing, Thomas gets hurt, Vomiting, don't hate me, i'll add as i go - Freeform, like a lot, self victim blaming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-04-04 14:46:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 51,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14022549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YellowSky2314/pseuds/YellowSky2314
Summary: After posting a video, Thomas takes a walk to calm down. But his day turns ugly when he meets people he would rather not. He gets hurt and in his need to protect the others Virgil takes the brunt of the hit.





	1. Breathe. Relax. Plan.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work. I'm sorry for hurting Thomas and the others. I want to explicitly say I don't approve of rape. I decided to write this down and hope people to don't hate me. If this type of content triggers you please proceed with caution. Don't like then don't read. Please, no flames. Thomas is a wonderful person, I'm not saying this is something I hope happens to him, of course not, this is just something I happened to write. In an alternate fictional dark world... I guess. I don't know I'm rambling.

Thomas looked up from his laptop, after watching the video he’d just uploaded with the sides of his personality, and smiled at the four of them. Roman smiled back brightly, clearly pleased with the finished edited product. Logan nodded, satisfaction clear on his face. Patton was grinning as he played with the sleeves of his cat-hoodie. Virgil had a small sideways smile, that looked too close to a grimace.

“That was...” Thomas paused taking in a deep breath and letting it out before continuing, “intense.” They’d filmed the past 2 days and since filming took slightly longer than anticipated they had to work most of the night to finish the editing when they wanted it done by. After uploading they watched it so that they could see what the fans would be seeing to make sure it was good.

“Yes, it was.” Roman looked at the others, and then to Virgil when he noticed the look on Patton’s face.

“But it was good. Right?” Patton was still looking straight at Virgil. He’d noticed his dark boy feeling a bit more, well, anxious than he’d been lately about this video. And his suspicions were immediately confirmed.

“What if they hate it? What if they make fun of us? What if this hurts people’s feelings? Wha-”

“Virgil, breathe.” Logan looked at the shadow boy with concern. Virgil took in a gasp of air, let it out, repeat. When Logan seemed good with the pattern of his breathing again he continued. “It’s going to be ok. Thomas’ fans won’t hate us.”

“Yeah, Virgil. If anything this will help some of them. That’s the hope. To help them understand not only us but themselves better.” Patton’s cheerful voice held comfort and encouragement.

“Virgil? What- if I may ask- is is the exact problem you have with this video?” Roman had his hand reaching out to Virgil in a questioning manner. His eyes gentle as he looked at him and with one more deep breath, Virgil felt himself start to relax. He could do this. He could talk about this. That’s what they keep telling him to do when he’s having an episode. To talk.

“I just... It’s just... Sorry. It’s just that it’s very personal, ok?” He looked down, “and that’s... to put ourselves out there that’s... Today was just really... intense.” Shame flooded him. He was being irrational.

“It’s ok Virge. Come on we’ve been through this. I can’t control what people do or think. But many of my followers have experienced or are experiencing many of the kinds of problems I deal or have dealt with. As you said once I can use my platform to influence and help them. And to do that I have to sometimes put myself out there.” Thomas noticed that Virgil was still looking at the ground. “That also means it’s ok to feel uneasy about it sometimes. What you’re feeling isn’t dumb alright? You’re not being unreasonable. It’s your _job_ to be feeling like this. We all understand that.” Virgil looked up at that.

“I guess you guys are right, thank you for not... you know.” He looked at them all, his eyes lingering on Roman. _For not judging me_.

“Don’t sweat it, Mr. Turmoil.” He grinned and winked and  Virgil smiled back and quickly looked away.

“Can we just check it one more time please?” Thomas nodded and refreshed the page. The people who watched it as soon as it was uploaded were finishing watching it and the comments were starting to appear along with likes. The “views” counter going up a little.

“See Virgil! It’ hasn’t been up too long yet and it already has some likes and comments! It’s going to be ok!” Thomas smiled as Patton stole the words from his mouth. Virgil now seemed way more relaxed than 10 minutes ago, but nowhere near his regular comfort levels.

“How about I go take a walk, hm? Would that help you relax a little?” Thomas dug around for his shoes under the couch.

“In the past, it _has_ been beneficial for his state of being for you to be out in the open air. Taking time for yourself to look at nature and not have any pressing thoughts is always good for mental health.” Logan peered at the boy in question who moved his head in an unsure nod, clearly not wanting to ask for something he wanted. Probably needed more than he realized.

“Oh! We should call some friends over if they can come along!” Patton added enthusiastically. Logan observed as Virgil tensed a little subconsciously and interfered for everyone’s benefit.

“No, I think the best route, in this case, would be to have some alone down time for a little. I think since Virgil is coming down from being “on edge” sort-to-speak, maybe a couple hours alone on a walk would be enough for him to become totally at ease. But Thomas, you could call Joan and Talyn, over tonight for something simple like a movie. And then Patton would feel the emotional stimulation he is craving and your friends would help put Virgil even more at ease, but without the overstimulation that would cause right now if you called them at this moment. Two problems down.” Logan decided to give the anxious side some privacy and pretend to not see the thankful look he gave him by adjusting his glasses.

“Yay! Can we Thomas? Can we? Please?” Patton was vibrating in his spot causing Logan to smile at the childish display.

“Make it Disney and I’m in!” Roman looked as excited as Patton. His eyes shifting to the boy to his left.

“Would that help, Virgil?” Thomas looked only at the purple side of himself.

“I mean, yeah. That actually sounds pretty cool. And I remember you wanting to see Tangled the other day.” Virgil heard Roman gasp and smirked.

“It’s decided then!” Thomas started to look for his phone finding it between the couch cushions.  

“It’ll be a great night!” Patton squealed jogging a little in place.

“I’ll text Joan and Talyn on the walk. You guys go relax and what not. See you tonight.” Thomas put his phone in his pocket.

“Laters!” Virgil sank down. His two finger salute the last thing Thomas saw.

“Have fun my Royal hun!” Roman sank a second later uncharacteristically fast.

“I just need to find my...” Thomas looked around. What did he need to find?

“Jacket?” Patton offered.

“Too hot,” Thomas said touching his back pockets and then his front ones.

“Wallet, and keys.” Logan peered at him with an amused smile. Thomas snapped his fingers at him in confirmation that that _was_ what he needed and walked to the kitchen counter to grab them taking a moment to make sure everything was disconnected, off, or shutdown that needed to be in there.

“Do you think he’s ok?” Thomas asked them both without looking up from the counter where his keys and wallet was.

“Yeah, I think he was just having a bad morning because of the late night and the video content. Bringing up your high school years tends to put him on guard. He just needs a little bit to let it go.” Patton sounded a bit unsure but it was obvious he knew what he was talking about, more than anything the concern was bleeding through. “But have fun Kiddo, the sun is bright and the air is fine. Enjoy it! You ready to go Logan?” It was clear Patton didn’t want to go back alone, Logan knew why and nodded.

“Don’t forget to take a bottle of water, Thomas, if you’ll be out for more than an hour you need to stay hydrated,” Logan said sinking out with the father figure.

“Will do! See you tonight.” He closed his door behind himself and looked up at the clear blue sky. He’d go for a walk, his phone was already at hand to ask Joan and Talyn about tonight, he’d come back home, tidy up the living room a bit, then go get some snacks, and it’d all be good. He locked the door behind himself, excited for the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to say, the rape that will be depicted in this story will not be explicit.  
> People close to me have had experiences that no one deserves. I'm learning to cope with that, with accepting that what happened to them also affected me, and writing/reading about these topics for some reason helps because I feel like I'm not alone, like it's a subject out there, and it could happen to anyone and just because I've never personally experienced it that doesn't mean I can't have an opinion or express my feeling on the subject. It doesn't mean I can't be scared of it.  
> It's ok to feel scared of rape even if it hasn't ever happened to you. It's ok to be scared of it if it happened to someone close to you or if you only hear it happened to someone you happen to know, it can also take its toll on you. And even if it hasn't happened to anyone you know or to you and you're just scared of the possibility of it, that's ok too. There is no clear black and white to these kinds of subjects.  
> And if you're only here because you like to read angst, that's alright too.  
> Stay safe everyone.


	2. Flowers and Water

Patton and Logan raised up in the commons room of the mindscape. It was a neutral area where they all gathered when they didn’t want to go to their rooms but also wanted a break from the kitchen or living room setting to spend time with each other after a video. Since none of them could spend too much time in the rooms of the other sides, and after knowing each other better made them start to get lonely being in their separate rooms, they had Roman create a neutral room to be in and have sleepovers in or just sleep in when their own rooms were too much. The room was basically the same as the mind palace they created with Thomas, with spaces for each of them and all of them, the walls splashed in different colors.

This room, however, was also so much more personalized than that one, with posters of science and memes and animals and musicals and Disney films all next to each other, clashing on the wall. A huge bed and tv were dead in the center and not against the wall for no reason. Some things had gathered and littered the floor like puzzle books, pillows, blankets, and wrappers. Food from a corner mini fridge was resting on the table right next to the science equipment, and a purple and green poke-a-dot couch had appeared at some point. The room had extensions that came and went, ever-changing windows and rugs, and doors that appeared and disappeared with the moods of the others.

Frequent door appearances were a stable, a greenhouse, a movie theater, and a pool. All replicas of what Thomas saw in the real world but calmer so they could unwind after helping Thomas to deal with actual humans. It was fun to be able to conjure humans in seconds to have someone to “chat with” while gardening or for “background noise” in a fake amusement park and also being able to make them disappear just as fast when you wanted to be alone.

They looked around for a second not finding the other two when they spotted a door in Virgil’s purple area, it was open an inch like if someone forgot to make sure it was closed when they went in. Patton and Logan shared a look.

“Should we?” Patton took a hesitant step forward. Looking at Logan for confirmation they should interrupt the others. “I don’t want to walk in on them being cute and breaking the moment.”

“Patton, they’re the ones that won’t tell us they’re dating. How are we supposed to give them some space if they don’t tell us to.” Logan smirked. They weren’t petty, they just wanted the creative and anxious side to finally fess up.

About a two months ago Logan had been trying to make breakfast with Patton for the four of them in the kitchen when he heard giggling coming from the living room. Thinking it was Patton with another animal instead of the fruit he’d asked him to pick from the garden he’d started to exit the kitchen. However, he’d instead seen Virgil shoving Roman, but before he could call out to them to not start fighting, the oddest thing happened. He saw Roman grasp one of Virgil’s hand’s in his and kiss it. It was sweet and tender and Logan felt like he’d been hit by a flying brick.

He returned to his previous spot fast and called out _“Patton, do you have the fruit yet?”_ he’d heard a gasp and then Roman entered the kitchen talking about not seeing Patton but he’d help with whatever was needed. Virgil didn’t go into the kitchen until about 15 minutes later and wouldn’t look in the direction of the creative side at all. And after mentioning it to Patton, and him saying he saw something similar the other day, the both of them started to plot to get the other two to stop sneaking around and just make it official.

“Fine. But if they’re being cute and we interrupt, I’m adding it to your list of faults.” Patton broke Logan’s thoughts by pushing his shoulder into the logical side grinning as they stepped to the door. Logan pushed the door loud letting it slam against the adjacent wall to what revealed itself to be a large greenhouse. The sprinklers were on, watering the hanging pots that lined the ceiling and the shelves of various arrays of flowers and bushes, and plants, and the small walls that enclosed small trees. In the center were a couple deck chairs made of wood and a deck swing chair. There was a central place that looked like a sort of fountain and the wall to the right was made of stone giving the area an overall rustic look. The hanging plants and mist from the sprinklers were obscuring the full view. Movement caught his eyes from the far right corner of the room as Roman drew quickly away from Virgil, the dark-eyed boy turned his back to them and gave his full attention to a plant on the shelf he’d just been leaning on all while trying to adjust his hoodie. They’d clearly startled the two.

 

* * *

 

 

“Do you guys like it?” Roman asked louder than normal “Virgil helped conjure the hanging plants, we even included some blue stargazer lilies for you, Patton.” Roman tried to inconspicuously straighten his hair that seemed a bit untamed. He raised his arms and, after making a sort of conducting ending motion, the mist stopped.

“Aw! Thank you, Virgil!” Patton ran over to the lilies that were hanging towards where the fountain was.

“Patton be careful, the stone is still slippery and we don’t want you to fall in.” Logan ran after him. Roman took the opportunity to return to Virgil’s side. The young man turned to him, the blush that Roman had seen on his face fading. Virgil was so shy about anything even remotely romantic and private. It was so sweet and endearing. He turned once more to the pot he was messing with before.

“We should tell them." He said almost distractedly. "They keep almost walking in on us hugging and cuddling. If they weren’t so loud they would have already caught us.” The boy adjusted his hoodie once more, Roman could tell he was tense but not in a hostile way. He was messing with the petals of a black dahlia.

“I told you we would let them know when you were ready. They are our best friends but I don’t want you to feel like it’s an obligation to tell them. It’ll make it official, and if that’s too much for you still, we’ll wait more.” Roman took his shoulders, sparing a glance to the other two, Logan was sitting on the edge of the fountain holding on to Patton’s shoulders as the dad figure leaned out to reach the moss covered rocks that were part of the formation. He watched as Logan conjured some fishes into the fountain and Patton squealed in delight trying to grab them. They seemed distracted enough. He took Virgil in a hug and rubbed their cheeks a little, letting out a small puff of breath near his ear. The other pulled away with a small smile on his face.

“Ok, just-just a little more. Please? Just a little more time, yeah?” Roman saw the insecurity there, for as strong as Virgil was and as cold as he’d once seemed he’d never had a romantic experience like this, and Roman knew that newness left him feeling vulnerable at times. Passion was Roman’s job and love was Patton’s work. What they were feeling was different than feeling a muffled version of Thomas’ love for someone on the outside, these feelings were theirs and theirs alone. Roman knew this wasn’t about lack of trust or lack of love but about it being _too much_ too soon, and he’d never make Virgil move faster than he wished to go.

“All the time you need, my loyal Royal.” He whispered into his ear and took a moment to breathe him in one last time before pulling away. “Are you feeling up to stopping Patton from falling into the fountain and dragging Logan with him?”

“Why not? Or maybe... we can push them in ourselves.” Virgil smiled and for the first time since filming had finished almost a full 24 hours ago Roman saw Virgil fully at ease and relaxed and he couldn’t help but smile back. He started to walk away and Roman took a second to look at him before hurrying after him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys have any recommendations or requests for this fic, let me know and I'll try to see how I can work it. I can't promise anything but I would definitely like to hear opinions.  
> Also, I wanted to establish some of the relationship dynamics first before getting to the other stuff. I hope no one seems too out of character, and if they do, let me know and I'll take any help on how to fix it. We saw some Logan and Roman point-of-view, we'll see some Patton and Virgil next.


	3. Showers and Swings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to anyone reading this, it means so much. If you have any tips or pointers feel free to contact me!

Patton was drying his hair.

After Roman and Virgil had arrived to the fountain, he felt one of them push him, in his panic he grabbed onto Logan, who trying to steady both himself and Patton tried to grab the closest thing, which happened to be Roman. All three fell face first into the cold water. Virgil was laughing so hard he didn’t see Logan and Roman fast enough to escape their hold when they grabbed him and pulled him in. By the time Patton had a moment to wonder how they all fit in the fountain he noticed it wasn’t a fountain anymore. Roman worked his magic and made the greenhouse bigger, turning the center place a pool.

He worked his own magic and changed into a white T-shirt and light blue trunks. The others following suit fast. Virgil changing into a black tank and dark purple trunks. Logan was only clad in dark blue trunks and Roman was also shirtless in red ones. Roman and himself set to work on making water guns appear and pool balls and floaties. Virgil grabbed one that looked like an ice cream sandwich and hit Logan with it. Patton giggled until he felt a ball hit him in the back.  

They changed each other’s trunks, Patton’s now full of hearts his shirt a rainbow; Virgil’s with galaxies on his and his shirt a bright pink; Roman now had white trunks with purple, blue, and red stars on them; Logan had black ones on that had a cat on each leg. They spent more time than they should have playing Marco Polo. Towards the end, the pool had turned wide enough to become a lazy river that traveled the whole greenhouse and then some. Logan and Virgil shared an 8-shape floatie and Roman and himself shared another. They kept bumping into the others trying to unbalance them.

Eventually Roman made a shower house appear when Logan stated he wanted to get out, take a shower to get rid of the bleach and dry himself. Virgil followed after. Patton beat Roman to the shower so he was still showering as Patton worked on his hair. As he did he looked out the window to see Virgil joining with Logan to reshape the lazy river into the fountain that was originally there, something Roman could have fixed with a snap of his fingers.

Patton took a moment to looked at Logan, his face focused on the magic he was projecting. A small frown of concentration on his otherwise calm face. Patton knew he should look away, but he didn’t want to and he could hear Roman singing-signaling he still some time to go in the shower. The last couple months of trying to get Roman and Virgil to open up to them had made Patton and Logan get even closer to each other. He’d learned a mischievous side of Logan he hadn’t witnessed before. But he was too afraid to say anything about his newly developed feeling. He knew that Logan didn’t feel things as intensely as he did, and while there had been a few lingering glances and touches from the intellectual side, Patton couldn’t be sure that wasn’t him projecting his feelings on Logan.

It was something he’d decided to ignore for now until the thing with Roman and Virgil was resolved but sometimes pondered on when he had a moment to himself. With seeing Roman and Virgil so happy, he longed that a little too, love was in the air and it seemed Patton had caught some, he only hoped Logan would catch some too. He heard Roman get out of the shower and turned to face him, he saw the Royal side with his normal outfit on without a wrinkle.

“Thank you for making all of this. It really helped Virgil.” Patton handed him the brush he’d been using.

“Don’t sweat it, Dad, it’s what I do. Besides we all needed that. Virgil might have been the one feeling uneasy but this video was a little hard on all of us.” Roman looked at him and set a hand on his shoulder. “Look, I know you don’t like talking too much about friendships and relationships from the past that fell through. So, I wanted to say you did great.”

It was true, sometimes it was hard to talk about people from Thomas’ past, old friends that they’d thought would always be there, people he still held close to his heart even after they’d drifted apart. The video had been on that subject matter and though it was a little hard at times, it was getting easier to open up, to talk it through. And talking it through helped him work through all those feelings.

“Thank you, Roman, that means a lot.” Roman let go of his arm and Patton looked out to see Logan sitting on the deck swing with Virgil.

“Let’s go. The children can’t be left alone for long.” Roman opened the door for him. Patton squinted at him.

“You do realize Logan is older right? And if anything you’re less mature than V-”

“Patton, shhh, technicalities.” Roman cut him off with a pout and Patton could only laugh.

 

* * *

 

Virgil felt tired, but a good kind of tired, fixing the greenhouse had taken some effort, Logan and himself weren’t used to working such big objects.

“You did well today. You worked through your stressor quite fast and efficiently.” Logan said out of the blue. He was looking at the fountain, giving Virgil a moment to decide if he wanted to talk about it or not.

“Thank you... it helped, you reminding me to breathe and all of you just listening.” He and Logan had this thing they’d been working on for managing his attacks, his anxiety, his “episodes” as he called them. After he’d had one, or any sort of stressor that had the potential to cause an attack Logan would eventually ask some questions, make observations and explain how next time (because they weren’t delusional and knew there would be a next time) Virgil could do some things to help him through it even better. Logan kept a notebook with pointers and observation with the most up to date data on the subject that Virgil could call upon at any time. It had helped so much and Virgil was so grateful for their friendship.

“Could you tell me, and it’s alright if you can’t, but what was the stressor? I know you said it was intense, but that wasn’t very descriptive. We’ve had some stressful videos before and well...” Logan looked to have recovered faster than him on the magic spectrum because he took that moment to conjure four fishes. Virgil though back on the ones he’d made for Patton earlier. He got up and sat on the deck swing

“I think, it was just the memory of what happened with, with the friend we were discussing, the idea that that could happen again. Drifting from any of Thomas’ friends with no reason. Patton was projecting some feelings of loss and with the lack of sleep I couldn’t keep up and it started to unnerve me. I think.” Virgil took a deep breath. He didn’t like bringing up the others in any of his explanations, but Logan told him he had to be honest about these things. Outside factors, and other people, sometimes affected us more than we’d like to admit, and that was normal.

“Yes, that does make sense.” Logan sat next to him on the swing making it start to move gently, “I don’t think Patton meant any harm. He sometimes projects without thinking, but I can see how that was a good cause. It was good, however, that this seemed to be normal levels of stress and not, being who you are, heightened levels. You had a good grasp on your emotions.” Virgil felt warm with pride at the smile Logan was giving him. At the beginning he would have mistaken this for pity, now he knew it was care. He looked up and saw Patton and Roman walking towards them and he felt warm inside for an entirely different reason this time. He saw the Prince raised his hand in a dramatic way and watched as he made a second swing for him and Patton. That was the last thing Virgil saw before he was puffed away.

“Wha-” He looked around confused for the abrupt calling. He was in an unknown street, Thomas was walking briskly and was clutching his phone in his hands. He looked up to see Virgil and the small surprise and fear in his eyes was the only proof Virgil needed to confirm he'd been called upon subconsciously. All ease and calm he was feeling evaporated in a second at the words the left Thomas' mouth.

“Thank God, Virgil. Virgil, I think-I think I’m being followed.” 

 


	4. Jackets. Cars. Screams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wasn't planning on updating again today, but I had extra free time and this happened. I don't know... Sorry.  
> Trigger warnings for panic attacks.

Thomas closed the door behind him and started walking he was debating on whether to go to a park or just walk the streets and see things. He decided to first text Joan. He pulled out his phone and started to type while walking.

_Hey, wanna come over tonight?_

_Sure, what you planning?_

_Just a movie, at 7, Tangled ok?_

_Yeah, just us?_

_Talyn_

_Sure, they’re with me now, I’ll tell them._

_Great!_

_Do you want to come over now?_

_Nah, I’m taking a walk, all healthy and stuff_

_Whatever you say, it’s not like we’ll be stuffing our faces tonight_

_I feel offended. Love you bye._

_Ciao_

He suddenly knew what park he wanted to go to. It was a kinda-far walk, but it was still early-ish and he had time since the others wouldn’t be there until evening, he could self-indulge and take a really long time off with himself. After about one an hour of walking and listening to music on his phone, soaking in the peace, he knew he was close to the park, just a couple more blocks up ahead, but his thirst which had been small at first but was growing made him turn away from it for a bit. He remembered Logan had told him to grab a bottle but he’d forgotten to.

Thomas knew there had to be a gas station close by he remembered seeing one once but everything looked slightly different on foot. He looked it up on his phone. There was one 20 minutes away walking, honestly, Thomas had forgotten that one existed since he rarely ever used it, he thought he’d set foot in it like once in his life. He set in that direction walking slower than before and the 20 minutes turned into 30, when he arrived he went straight for the waters. He paid for it and took a couple drinks, before deciding the A/C felt a little nice and that he should stay a few more minutes.

He started to walk around seeing what type of candies they had to get some ideas for tonight. He bumped into a man by accident, he thought it was odd that he was wearing a black hoodie in this weather but who was he to judge?

“Sorry,” Thomas said distractedly.

“No problem buddy. Hey, Steven Universe shirt! Love that show.” The guy pointed was looking at his shirt with a big smile on his face.

"Yeah, me too.” He didn’t really want to talk right now, he wanted a snack. Ice cream maybe?

“Anyway, see ya man!” Thomas didn’t say anything just waved. Huh, Logan was right earlier, he shouldn’t be around people right now.

Once he’d made it to the fridges he saw some ice cream sandwiches and decided he wanted one. He grabbed one and continued to browse. It was hot out without it being blazing, the perfect weather for going to the pool, he kind of regretted not going to the pool but he knew that’s not what he’d originally been planning so he cast that idea behind not knowing where it even came from.

He took the sandwich, pack of gum, and bag of gummies he’d decided on. Thomas continued on his way at a faster pace and 30 minutes later found him at the park he’d been heading to. He took into the trails and spent a good hour or so purposely getting lost in them. He came to a clearing and sat down by a side tree, giving one thought to the insects and discarding it just as fast he sad and scrolled through his phone. Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook. Just mindless scrolling. When he looked at the time he realized another one and a half hours had gone by since he’d sat down and should be heading back.

He made his way back noting that the park was abnormally empty, at this time of day during the summer it was usually buzzing with people. He’d probably only run into one or two people during his whole time here. He felt something off-putting about that thought and continued walking thinking about how many people he would have probably run into at the local swimming park, they had this amazing lazy river that Thomas just loved to travel, time seemed to not go by when he was in it. He again pushed that random thought away. Soon enough he’d made his way out of the trails and onto the real sidewalk and started back home.

He happened to look to his left and spotted a man looking at him from across the street, the moment Thomas made eye contact he looked away. He was probably just looking at his shirt or hair, he sometimes still got looks like that. After walking for a while he found himself back at the gas station for some reason, it seems his body had pushed him to get more water even when he didn’t realize he was needing it. He bought another water and a rice krispy treat, smiling at the girl behind the counter as he paid, and left.

As he was leaving he thought he saw the same man that’d seen staring at him when he was leaving the park, he was putting gas in a black car. That was odd, Thomas buried that thought immediately. That wasn’t possible, that other guy had been on foot and was probably at the park right now or somewhere else, what were the chances he’d come here? Yeah, no, he was crazy. He sighed thinking about the hour and a half walk home and slightly regretted coming out this far walking. He put his headphones in noting he only had 34% left and hoping that would be enough if he put it in life saver mode to get him home.

About 20 minutes into his walk he stopped to tie his shoe which had become undone and as he stood he happened to look behind himself. What he saw made him freeze and made his stomach drop. It was the same guy, he knew it was. It didn’t make sense. What were the odds of finding him at the park, gas station, and on the street as he walked home? He took a deep breath. It was ok, it was nothing, it might not even be the same guy, he might just look like that one guy. It wasn’t the same guy.

He continued walking, this time with only one earbud in. Only 10 minutes later he snuck a glance back, he saw no one and realized he was just being paranoid, he had to talk to Virgil about that. Once again he put in both earbuds, even putting the music up a bit. He had finally reached the part of his walk off the main streets and into the more private ones and that made him feel better. They were always quieter and Thomas decided that he was just people crowded, that’s why he imagined seeing someone three times. He ignored a small part of his brain trying to remind him that he couldn’t be “people crowded” since he’d barely seen anyone during his walk for more than a minute.

That’s until he saw out of the corner of his eye a car drive by him slowly enough that he questioned it and turned his head to actually look at it. It was the black car. Oh no. Oh no. It was the black car. He took the next turn right up ahead, and then a left turn, and then another turn somewhere. And another. He didn’t really know where he was going. In his panic, he got a little lost in all the houses of the neighborhood he’d been walking by.

He took a deep breath and stopped for a moment. He had to be rational. He would take out his phone from his pocket, which he had no idea when he put away. He would look up where exactly he was and get back on his way home. He was being irrational, why would someone be following him? Another breath and he started to take a step forward... immediately freezing. He felt his blood run cold. He saw the black car parked by the side of the road about 5 houses down.

That was it, he needed to get out of here, he needed to-he needed to get out of there. He needed to... to call. 911? No, calm. Calm. Calm down. He was overreacting. No. He needed to call. He needed to call Joan.

He took his phone into his hand. Why hadn’t he taken it out of his pocket yet? It was out. It was in his hand. That action unfroze the rest of his body and he turned around and started to briskly walk in the opposite direction of the car. The car. The black car. A black car. Any black car. He didn’t even care if it was the same car. He needed to get away.

Get home. He needed to unlock his phone. He clutched harder to it. Call Joan. He needed to call someone. He needed to-he stopped abruptly when he saw a shadow appear in front of him. He held back a scream but he couldn’t keep the fear from showing then he felt relief flood him.

“Thank God, Virgil. Virgil, I think-I think I’m being followed.” Thomas wished he could grasp the side’s hand. His fear spreading everywhere.

“Whoa, whoa, what’s wrong? I don’t... What’s going on?” Virgil asked his hands making a calming motion even when his face looked stressed. Thomas knew his fear and panic was putting the boy on edge but he couldn’t help himself.  
“Someone is following me. I can’t prove it but someone is following me.” He knew his eyes were wide and he felt tears of fear start to spring in them. He had another thought of how irrational he was being, but he’d never felt this way. He was a little scared. He had to think. He had to think rationally.

“Ok tell me why- AHH!” Thomas heard Virgil scream before he registered why. When he saw Logan just standing there he jumped. “Don’t ever do that again!”

“God, Logan that was- I didn’t see you rise!” Thomas ran a hand through his hair to soothe it.

“No, I suppose not, I can see I was called subconsciously. You’re both displaying high levels of stress and even fear in Thomas’ case. I can also feel a headache coming on. Since both Virgil and myself were alright a few minutes ago before he vanished, and then I,  I’m guessing that it is _you_ causing this Thomas. Now, would you like to tell me what’s wrong?” Thomas saw Virgil taking a deep breath and holding it and he decided to copy him.

“Thomas if what you just told me is true, I would suggest you keep walking until we know you’re safe.” Thomas realized he’d just been standing in the middle of an empty sidewalk for a full minute talking to himself when he should have been running away. He resumed his brisk pace at Virgil’s suggestion.

“What did he tell you? What is happening?” Logan looked peeved.

“He says someone is following him.” Virgil rubbed his arm as he looked between the other side and Thomas.

“I went on the walk, like I said I would, a big long walk.” He stopped to look over his shoulder, not seeing the car or anyone for that matter. He felt a wave of fear and panic at the thought of being alone.

“Sorry! Sorry, that was me. I just-you’re worrying me. Sorry. I’ll try to calm down.” Virgil said closing his eyes and took a couple steps away from them to regain composure.

“Do you mind continuing Thomas?” Logan looked less peeved and more worried about both of the young men in front of him.

“Ok, so the thing is that during that long walk,” he came to a split way and took the turn he’d remember taking that took him to his current street. That was good he was retracing his steps back in the right direction. “During that walk, I saw the same guy 3 times and the same black car 2 times. I’m also pretty sure that guy was driving the black car.”

“While it is true that running into someone randomly 5 times, by what you’re saying, is basically impossible, how are you so sure that it’s the same car and person?” Logan was rubbing his forehead, trying to pull the memories from the archives in the back of the mind of the past couple hours to figure if it really was the same person.

“I know, ok? I tried to convince myself it wasn’t and that hasn’t been helping. Also, why ar-”

“Thomas.”

“Give me a minute Virgil. Why are you acting like this? You’re supposed to believe me. You _are_ me! For crying out loud!” Thomas was angry. His emotions were getting out of hand.

“Look, Thom-”

“Guys.”  
“Virgil, give us a second. Look, Thomas. I’m trying to look at the facts here. You’re clearly too “keyed up”, I believe is the correct term, for this. I’m trying to look at this objectively and without the impediment of emotions before coming to the correct conclusion of what is happening and then deciding on the best course of action.”

“Guys, please. Please.” The anxious side’s voice sounded like a low pained whine. That made both Logan and Thomas look away from each other and to Virgil who was staring straight head. Thomas took a moment to note he’d stopped walking again. He looked to what Virgil was looking at and gasped, hearing Logan’s intake of breath from his side wasn’t comforting. The black car.

Two men were getting down from it, slamming the driver’s and passenger's doors shut behind them. Thomas saw a third man get down from the back seat, he closed his door a little softer and leaned against the side of the car. Watching him over the roof.

“Hey there.” The first guy. The guy from the station and park. He was sure of it now.

“Hi.” Thomas didn’t know what to do. Sneaking a side glance at Logan and Virgil he realized he wasn’t alone in that. The guy was smiling and it was bright, white. Nothing would seem off about such a nice smile if you didn’t know any better. He wasn’t ugly or too big, and he didn’t look too strong, but Thomas felt threatened.

“Look, my friends and I were wondering if you wanted to come along with us to a party. I think I met you earlier today. You ran into me at the gas station. Imagine my surprise when I see you again. Here. All alone.” The second spoke up. And Thomas searched through his memories and thoughts trying to figure out what in the world he was talking about. He had no recollection of meeting this man, besides who wears a black hoodie in the sum-

_“Anyway, see ya man!”_

Oh god. He gasped, his eyes going wide. He gasped again, distantly noting he wasn’t gasping as much as he was hyperventilating. He felt his body heat up, he was burning up. His insides were burning. From the side, he heard Logan.

“Virgil. Virgil, breathe. Both of you need to calm down. Thomas, you need to-”

“I told you guys if you messed with him too much he would catch on.” The third guy was suddenly on his right. Too close to him. Too close.

“Run!” Virgil’s echoed voice screamed at him and it drowned all other sound. Thomas belated realized he had one of them on both sides and one in front of him. He turned to run but one of them caught his wrist and spun him back into their body in a mocking hug.

“Aw, you don’t want to party with us?” The first guy had a fake pout on his face, his voice sounding way too happy. Thomas tried to push. He tried to shove himself away, but the guy held on tighter. He couldn’t breathe. He felt dizzy and his heart ached.

“Virgil! Calm down!” He heard Logan yell. “He needs to function! You’re shutting him down!” Thomas struggled more. He felt his hands being grabbed and he screamed for a second before he felt a rag being shoved into his throat. He gagged. He couldn’t breathe.

“I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I-I-I need. Log-an. I need. I need. Air. Lo. Air.” Virgil’s voice sounded ragged. Thomas could hear him struggling. Could hear him sobbing. Or maybe that was himself. He couldn’t see. They’d blindfolded him? He couldn’t see. Breathe. He couldn’t. He needed to fight back. He moved his hands, struggling to take them off these men’s grasp. They were behind him and he realized they were trying to tie them. He kicked and that unbalanced him. He tripped a little. And it was too late. He couldn’t see. He couldn’t move his arms. He couldn’t speak. They’d tied something around his mouth to keep the rag in place. He couldn’t breathe. He heard a click and two of them dragging him.

“Hurry up guys. You’re taking too long.” Which one was that one?

His but and back landed somewhere, his feet weren’t touching the ground and he kicked out again. He felt tired. He felt numb. And then he felt his feet being tied. Was no one watching? Did no one see him being tied, wrapped like a christmas tree. Why was no one helping? He was getting kidnapped and no one was doing anything. He was getting kidnapped. He felt a pain in the back of his throat and he realized he’d never stopped screaming, even if the rag in his throat stopped any sound he made from actually getting out. He heard laughing.

“Thomas! You need to calm down or you’re going to pass out! Thomas are you listening to me?! Virgil please!” Pass out. That sounded nice. “No. Thomas no! You can’t!”

“Pleasepleaseplease. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Stop. Stop. Stop. Make it stop!” Virgil’s screaming was blending in with the ringing in his ears. Pass out.

Virgil was sobbing. Logan was screaming.

The last thing his mind registered was a bang on top of him, a bang clicking. So that was what a closing car trunk sounded like from the inside.  Pass out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah... Thoughts? Pointers on how to make this better? I don't know how realistic this was... Also, don't even look at that text conversation. I have no idea. I'm sorry.


	5. Darkness and Whispers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the last chapter, I believe I made math and Thomas left his house around 10 a.m., the walk and gas station stops took him between 5-6.5 hours, depending on how you interpreted some things. He got kidnapped around 4 to 4:30 p.m. That makes there be at least 2.5 to 3 hours before someone even begins to notice he's gone because Joan and Talyn were supposed to go over at 7, but let's be honest... Friends never get there at the exact time they said they'd be there.

When he woke, Virgil’s head was all over the place. He felt dizzy and confused. Nauseous, he felt really nauseous. He sat up and felt his head roll a little, unsteady and weak. He looked around blinking away the fog. He was in the living room, correction, he was on the stairs in front of the living room. Sitting up, leaned against the wall to help stabilize himself, he felt another wave of nausea hit him hard he shifted to his side clutching his stomach. Some part of him remembered that in the past if he vomited, he would feel better. The problem was he didn’t  _ want _ to vomit. Vomiting always scared him, the loss of control of his own body. The heaving that wouldn’t stop deep in his stomach. He didn’t want to vomit. 

He closed his eyes for a moment trying to force the sick away.

His eye caught movement and he looked over the railing. Logan was on the floor, in front of the hall and between the couch. He was sitting up but fell back onto his elbows. Deciding to forsaken his unsteady stomach, Virgil shuffled to him to help him sit up. It felt like too much time had gone by, by the time he actually got to the older side. He moved Logan slowly, since he wasn't fully awake yet, so he was slouching against the stairwell, taking the glasses that were skewed on his face and folding them to sit next to them, making a note to clean the smudges on them later. 

Virgil grabbed his tie and loosened it, he decided it would be best to also unbutton the top buttons of the black polo. As he was finishing and started to move away Logan grasped his wrist. The sudden movement caused Virgil to flinch and try to move his hand away from the touch. Too much.  _ Too much _ .

He saw Logan’s lips move, and his grasp on his hand grew harder by instinct in what Virgil could tell was confusion. That didn’t stop Virgil from whining, the irrational fear flaring up as he clawed at the hand that held his wrist with his other to get it loose. The hand let go. He saw Logan’s lips move again but he didn’t know what, he didn’t know. He was panicking again. He didn’t know. Everything came rushing back. Thomas. The car. The hands. The rag in his, in  _ their  _ throat. He felt movement beside him and a hand was grabbing him again. No. No. No. Stop. He squeezed his eyes and tried to pull away.

His hand was forced against something soft, something warm, he didn’t realize how cold he was. It felt nice. He opened his eyes. Logan was right there, holding his cold hand to his heart. The polo was smooth enough under his hand. He had to think, he had to keep calm.  It was like a fog had cleared and this time Virgil could finally hear what Logan was saying.

“Breathe, come on, come on, take a breath, Virgil. Please. There you go! There you go. Look at me. Hi. Now another. Feel my breathing, try to follow the pattern. In, 2. That’s ok hold 3, 4. Ok, out 2, 3. That’s ok. Good start. Again, In, 2, 3. Good! 2, 3, 4. It’s ok, 2, 3. See, you held that one better. That’s good keep going. In, 2, 3, good progress, 3, 4, 5. Out, 2, 3, 4.” That went on for a few minutes. When Virgil’s breathing was finally under some sort of control Logan finally let go and he immediately missed the warmth. 

“The others. We need to tell them, we need to-” Roman. Virgil didn’t know what they were going to do. He only knew they needed to find Roman and Patton. He needed Roman.

“Hey, no, no. We’ll let the others know soon enough, are you ok? I apologize for earlier, I didn’t mean to frighten you like that. Water, do you need water? Do you need to be alone a minute? What do you need?” Logan’s concern was heartwarming. But they needed to find the others. 

“No, let’s, I’ll feel better if… if…” Logan nodded in understanding. He stood up, if a little wobbly, and held his hands out to the younger side in an uncertain manner. Virgil looked at it for a second before taking it. They knew the sides weren’t in the kitchen or living room, that only left their rooms or the commons room. At that moment he saw two figures rise up. Roman and Patton were standing there looking slightly disheveled and a little unstable. 

“What happened? We were waiting for you guys to get back in the commons and then suddenly it all went dark! This wasn’t sleep mode!” Patton was clearly unsettled. 

“Yeah, that wasn’t, that was-that was, what  _ was  _ that?… Is Thomas alright? That seemed more like forced shutdown mode, you know, faint mode!” Roman didn’t seem much better. 

“Everyone needs to calm down, especially you Patton, I’m sorry but we can’t have you projecting right now.” Virgil felt all eyes on him at Logan’s words to the others and they both nodded in understanding. 

“What happened?” Roman asked taking a step in the pale side’s direction. Virgil had to admit he wanted to hug him right about now, but he didn’t think that was for the best. He turned to the subject at hand.

“Thomas summoned us. He didn’t seem to realize he’d done that. He was nervous and scared.” Anxiously he ran his hands through his bangs to keep himself calm. He felt significantly better than he had some minutes ago and all traces of nausea were gone, he wanted to keep it that way. His breathing was back to normal for the most part but he knew explaining was going to be hard. He went and sat down on the couch. He felt tired.

“Yes, and we came to the conclusion that Thomas was, in fact, being followed. However, it was too late by the time we realized that we’d been cornered…” Logan stopped “You tried to warn us. You saw it coming and we didn’t listen. I’m sorry. For putting you in this. For putting Thomas in this. Us.” Logan sat down next to him, deflating. Kind of like the situation was just dawning on him too. Virgil couldn’t look at him but shook his head, this wasn’t Logan’s fault. I was his. He was supposed to protect Thomas. He looked at his hands, his scabbed fingers from picking at them. He felt Roman’s eyes on him, searching, far too intense.

“Um, guys?” Patton looked between the two of them and then at Roman. 

“What  _ happened _ ?” The desperation in the Prince’s voice made both Logan and himself flinch. 

“Thomas got kidnapped.” Virgil looked up from his hands at him. Seeing the creative side’s face go from confusion to understanding, to shock, to worry and fear might have been comical at any other time but now it was anything but that. 

“What do you mean? How?” Patton looked like he was about to cry. “How…”

“They were in a car and like Logan said, they cornered us. Looks like they were playing around with him for a while there. When they started to… To grab him. I panicked and lost total control and then Thomas lost control, that’s what caused the blackout. I made him blackout.” This was his fault. If anything happened to Thomas it would be his fault alone. 

“Virgil, stop. Thomas’ reaction was completely normal given the circumstances. It’s not like you forced him to pass out.” Logan was looking at Patton while he spoke. The father figure’s eyes were shiny with unshed tears and he saw Logan extend his arms to him. Patton went willingly. “It’s alright Patton. We’ll get through this. It’s alright. He’s alright.”

Virgil looked away, this was his fault. They were all in this position because of him. He felt Roman sit down next to him but he didn’t look at him. He felt like he didn’t deserve any support or love he knew he’d get from him. This was his fault. They felt a wave of energy pulse through the mind. Thomas was waking up. He finally looked at Roman. Turning his back to Patton and Logan to try to simulate some privacy. 

“I’m scared.” He whispered. He saw Roman’s eyes sadden at his words.

“It’s ok, nothing is going to happen.” Roman took his hands, Virgil watched as his eyes glanced at the two behind them as Logan kept trying to calm Patton. “We’ll be-” 

 

Virgil was suddenly in the dark. He looked around, or tried to, he couldn’t see anything. He was in the dark, he tried to take a step, but he didn’t know where he was. “What? Roman? Roman?!” He turned, he didn’t know what way was left and what way was right. He was just holding Roman’s hands, how was this possible? “Roman? Patton! Logan?”

“Virgil? Virgil is that you?” The voice was everywhere, hollow and empty like if on speakers, but Virgil immediately recognized Thomas. 

“I’m here, I’m here.” It made sense now. Thomas had summoned him upon waking up, but since he couldn’t see and the place where he was at was unknown it meant Virgil had nowhere to materialize in. 

“I can’t see, I can’t move, and why does my voice have an echo? What’s going on? Where are you, Virgil?” The fear in the human was obvious. 

“Your voice echoes because you’re speaking with your mind. You’re not talking, you’re thinking.” That was a good start, right? Keeping it calm.

“Ok, then, why can’t I talk, or move?” Thomas’ breathing was getting out of control.

“Thomas, listen to me and remember what you’ve learned. Count.” He paused to let Thomas catch his breath again, but also to collect his thoughts, not knowing how to continue. “Do you remember the walk?”

“The walk… Yes! Yes. I was taking a walk, I went to the park.” Thomas paused. “I was heading home.” His breathing lost some of its rhythm. “The car. The black car… Oh my god. I’m-They-They…” His breathing was now all over the place. 

“Thomas, we can’t pass out again. Think, what would Logan say?” Virgil hoped that was enough prompting. He felt something rise next to him. He let out the air he didn’t know he’d been holding. 

“Thomas? Virgil?” Virgil stretched his hand out to try to find Logan but he couldn’t find him. 

“What do we do? What do we do? I’m in a trunk! I’m  _ tied  _ in a trunk!” Thomas’ voice rang out. Virgil could feel the panic rising again. He didn’t want this. He needed to stay calm. “I am in some unknown man’s car!”

“Thomas, it’s ok. You need to steady your breathing, your heart rate is too elevated and at this rate, you’ll blackout again. We can’t afford that. We don’t know how much time has passed and we don’t know where they’re taking you. We need to stay awake to gather as much information as we can.” Logan was so calm that Virgil had to admire his composure. He wondered what happened when he disappeared, was Patton ok? He felt a hand, and he grasped it. He felt Logan near him. It’s ok. 

“It’s not ok! It’s not ok!” Then the screaming started. Loud and nerve wrecking. Both sides flinched. Virgil felt an overwhelming sense of fear. He was choking. His knees stopped working. What was happening?

“What?! Thomas What?!” Logan gripped Virgil in his arms right before he fell and set him down on his knees gently.

“They’re dragging me. They’re moving me! I can’t move! I don’t want to go! I don’t want to go! I want to go home!” Thomas’ voice was too loud. Virgil wanted this to stop. 

“I’m losing control. I can’t, I’m trying but-but it’s too strong.” Virgil felt the attack coming. He was basically in Logan’s lap, they were kneeling in the dark. “It hurts,” his voice was nothing but a whisper. “It hurts. I can’t breathe.” 

“I know,” Logan tried to soothe him, soothe his bangs, he held him close, but it wasn’t working. “Thomas, please think about Virgil. Think about yourself. You have to calm down. If you’re too worked up you’re going to end up hurting yourself. Please. Listen to my voice. Please. Come on.” Virgil could tell Logan was losing his grip. He could hear tears in the other’s voice. It was too much on him too. Thomas wasn’t thinking rationally. Logan had no control. Shivers wrecked his body in the older side’s arms. 

It was quiet. Thomas stopped screaming.

“I just want to go home.” It was a whisper. “I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be here. I’m scared.” Thomas’ screams stopped, but Virgil could hear him start crying. Somehow the whispers were worse than the screams. “Please, I just want to go home...” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story Time: I was going to upload Chapter 5 yesterday, but I didn't like how it turned out. The characters didn't seem right and I lost control of the chapter for a little bit there. So I ended up scrapping it all and rewriting the entire chapter. I was only able to use one line from the original draft. So the whole first part of this chapter was written during a meeting at work while my boss was sitting one person away discussing things. And my first part I mean clear down to where it says "The father figure's eyes were shiny with unshed tears..." Like, clear down there. 
> 
> Anyway, I get home and finish this and then I have to go to church. So, my church does this thing where every Thursday the youth group sells food orders to get funds for events and camps and outings and what-not that we do. So I was in the group whose turn it was to do this week. Keep in mind that every three months the groups change and this was the first freaking time this group had done food together. My crush was in this group. There were 3 girls and 5 guys. 
> 
> We lost 3 guys from the get-go and gained 2 that we just found and wanted to join in. None of us knew how to cook the food the group got. We had empanadas. I mean one group got hamburgers! One had hotdogs! One got TACOS and another got BURRITOS!! We happened to draw FREAKING EMPANADAS!! If there are any fellow Mexicans out there (or just any person who knows how to make empanadas really) you, my friend, know how FREAKING HARD it is to make 200 empanadas, 50 orders of 4. 
> 
> Like it was awful. They were breaking apart, one batch was still freaking raw, RAW, when we got them out, and we still sold them like that (half price, but you know whoever bought them is going to need to go to the restroom and it won't be fun.) Like I was having some sort of brain shut down from the sheer humiliation and embarrassment. My crush happened to be one of the 2 guys WE DIDN'T LOSE! Like it was a nightmare. 
> 
> So now I'm back home, on my soft couch. My mom and dad laughing in the kitchen while I'm explaining this to them. My little sister is doing homework, playing "How could this HAPPEN TO MEEEE!" every so often looking directly at me. I'm listening to "How to Save a Life" to try to distract myself from the fact that I have to wake up tomorrow to go to work and deal with life after this. Lol. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my long-winded story of how I (me?) and 7 others in my youth group probably gave the church food poisoning.


	6. Basements and Beds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is your last warning guys. If non-con is a trigger, please turn now. If you proceed, be cautious. There's some touching and swearing and yeah...

Thomas felt himself being dragged, a pair of hands at his shoulders and a pair at his legs. He had to listen to Logan, he had to keep calm, his instincts were telling him to struggle but he had to be rational about this. He wasn’t going anywhere at the moment tied as he was, he’d only get himself dropped. He had to breathe to keep himself from fainting again, but  _ breathing  _ didn’t stop the tears from falling. It didn’t stop the fear. He felt stairs, they had to be stairs, and that took longer to get down; they basically dropped him once and now his head was a little sore. So they were putting him under the ground, like in a grave. He heard Virgil whimper. Right, positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts.

“Yes, positive thoughts. Good, you’re doing good. If you get a chance, try to find out what they want or why they need you. Do they want money? Do they think you’re someone else? Why you? Is this some sort of payback for something? Are they fans? Just try to get as much information as calmly as possible. It’ll help us figure out how to get out of here.” Logan’s voice was comforting but there were too many questions. 

“Don’t anger them. Lie. Lie if you have to, tell them what they want to hear.” Virgil spoke up and Thomas noticed their voices didn’t have an echo... huh.

“Virgil, I don’t think that-” Logan sounded concerned about that. 

“Look, I know. I know what I’ve always said,” the anxious side cut off the other, “but in this case, you have to do whatever you have to, to keep yourself safe.” His voice was louder than before. “If you can’t be honest with these people, then don’t. You don’t know who they are, and they might not know who you are either, they might have picked you up randomly. In that case, the less they actually know about you, the better.” 

“Ok, Virgil, ok.” Thomas couldn’t argue with that, but would they even ask him questions? Would they untie him at some point? How much would they talk to him? Would they take the rag out so he could talk? Would they take the blindfold off? He’d heard that if a kidnapper let you see his face that meant they’d probably kill you afterward. He didn’t want to die.

“He’s heavier than I thought he’d be.” He heard one of the kidnappers say and it sounded like he was struggling with his weight. Good.

“Yeah, maybe we grabbed the wrong one. I mean why would the boss want a fatty?” Another one spoke up. He wasn’t fat… was he?

“Thomas, don’t listen to their words. They’re just trying to be mean.” Thomas knew he should listen to Logan but that still hurt a little.

“It’s not our job to ask questions. Just do the work. You know when it comes down to it you’ll have fun too.” That voice sounded farther and since there were two carrying him that probably meant he was the other.

“Yeah Levi, ‘sides I didn’t mean it like that. This is my first one and I didn’t think about how heavy a human body was until now.” That was kinda worrying. That rose so many questions. 

“Guess you’re right but, also, look at him, has he even stopped crying since we got him out of the trunk.” It was the same one that called him fat. Thomas could hear him clearest so he assumed he was at his shoulders.

“I bet you would be too if you were him.” That was the one at his feet. The one that was struggling. 

“I ain’t a little bitch.” Shoulder guy jolted him at that like he was going to drop him, it made Thomas whine at the back of his throat causing the man to laugh. 

“Stop it, Levi! Ian chose him, so unless you want to take it up to him just do what you’re told.” This was the one that was farther away. And there seemed there was another. 

“It was completely unnecessary to use that word. Don’t listen to them, Thomas.” Logan was clearly offended by the choice of words of this man.

“You’re not weak, Thomas, they’re the messed up ones in this.” Virgil sounded better but still soft-spoken like he was only trying to hold it together for his benefit and Thomas appreciated that.

Finally, he was half thrown-half dropped face down on what he could only assume was a bed. He bounced a little before settling, upon settling he stayed still for a second before he started to move, the rag on his mouth and his face pressed against some sort of soft material made him start getting desperate for air. He heard laughter.

“Look at him flop. God, he’s pathetic. And can someone make him stop crying?!” Thomas could tell Shoulder guy was getting irritated. 

“So... who’s watching 'im 'til Ian gets here?” That was the voice of Feet guy. Thomas found it disturbing that he could already identify their voices. 

“Since Levi is having so much fun, why not him?” The Other guy, his voice sounded much more upbeat than the other two.

“How about, because I don’t want to. His crying is getting on my nerves.” His voice made it clear he wasn’t happy.

“Too bad, that’s what you get for being a pain in the ass. Have fun, Levi. If you want to shut him up do it yourself.” That was still the Other guy again.

“Just remember you’re not supposed to do anything until Ian gets here.”  That was feet guy. Then he heard a door slam. 

“Fuck you guys!” All happiness was gone from his voice as Shoulder guy yelled at what Thomas could only assume was the closed door. In the deep pits of his mind, he had this sort of hope that one of the other two would come back. He didn’t want to be alone with this one. He instinctively knew this one was really dangerous. His crying grew louder. 

“No, no, Thomas don’t, he’s going to get angry.” Virgil sounded really worried. 

“Thomas, I believe Virgil is right. This man doesn’t seem very emotionally stable, be careful.” Logan’s words came out seeping with worry and that made him cry even harder, he couldn’t stop the tears. He was still face down and couldn’t breathe correctly with the pressure on his chest.  

“Shut up! God, you’re such a baby. Do you want to cry? Huh? Is that what you want? I’ll give you a reason to cry!” He heard scrambling. And he was jerked up from his stomach by his hair and thrown onto his back. 

“No! No! No!” Thomas was screaming both with his useless throat and in his mind. He heard Logan try to calm him and Virgil yelling something but he registered none of it. He only knew that this man was angry at him and that was dangerous.

“Shut up!” He was grabbed by his hair again and his head was yanked around a little. He felt something scratchy on his left cheek. It took him a moment to realize that was Shoulder guy’s face. Thomas tried to jerk his face away but then Shoulder guy started to whisper in his ear. “Are you going to listen to me? Huh?”  Thomas could only nod blindly, the sobs choking him, the fear welling up and drowning him. 

“You’re going to shut up and you’re going to stop _fucking crying_ , you’re going to stop! Do you _understand_? You’re getting on my nerves and trust me, you don’t want to see me lose my shit. Are you listening?!” Shoulder guy squeezed his jaw and Thomas nodded in fear. He felt his body drop back onto the bed after his hair and jaw were let go. 

“Thomas, Thomas, it’s over. It’s going to be ok. It’s over.” That had to be Logan, he knew that had to be Logan. Logan was safe. He was gasping as best he could with the rag still in his throat so he could stop crying. If he kept crying this man would hurt him. Slowly his tears slowed to a stop. He kept sniffling but there was nothing he could do about the snot. 

“Thomas, can you hear us?” Virgil was there. His voice tiny and wet. Thomas wondered if he’d cried too. 

_“Yes, yes. I... I’m sorry. I-”_ He couldn’t continue his thought, he had to keep a grip before he started to cry again.

“You have nothing to apologize for.” Logan said softly, “You don’t have to apologize for what you’re feeling.” It held some double meaning that Thomas couldn’t figure out now. 

He jumped when he felt something warm next to him. What now? What was happening? He instinctively moved his head towards the thing next to him. 

“Look at you, you’re so much prettier when you’re not acting like a baby. See?” He felt a hand at his cheek. What was he doing? Wasn’t he angry just now? What was happening? The hand didn’t go away, it was wiping the drying tears on his face.

_ "Why is he touching me? He's touching my face guys. I don't... I-"  _ He was so confused.

“Logan...” Virgil’s voice was in his head. 

“I don’t know. I don’t know what's happening.” Logan didn’t sound so good. This was the first time Thomas had heard Logan like this. 

“I can kinda see why Ian chose you.” The hand ran through his hair. Thomas was frozen, in both fear and confusion. “I like the purple.” The hand went down, slowly, then landed on his throat. It squeezed a little. Thomas whimpered, his air source being cut off little by little until he started jerking. Fear. Pain. Air.

“Shhh, it’s ok.” Shoulder guy laughed as he let go but he still didn’t move away. Thomas tried to breathe, he couldn’t and the tears started falling again. His hand went down even more until finally, it went under his shirt. That was it. Thomas started to move, to struggle to get away. A constant scream in his mind.

_ "Nononononononononono _ !"

“Logan!” Virgil’s voice sounded wrecked, he was obviously crying.  

“I don’t know, I’ve never been here. That’s... I don’t know.” Logan didn’t like not knowing, and for Thomas to hear him say he didn’t know what was happening was crushing. 

“Make him stop!” Virgil was growing desperate. As if on cue the hand retreated from his chest. 

_"He stopped, he stopped, he was touching my chest but he stopped."_ Thomas let out a breath as best he could, maybe Shoulder guy just wanted to scare him as some sort of punishme- all thought stopped. 

The hand was back on him, on top of his groin area and shifted to rest directly on his zipper. It started to fondle. Were those lips on his throat? That was the switch. He started to scream, he started to struggle, to throw this man off himself. He twisted himself this way and that shaking his head. The tears were back. He prefered it when he was getting his hair pulled. He couldn’t even see into this man’s eyes as he was getting groped.

_ "He's touching me, down there. Why is he touching me there?! I don't want him to touch me! Get him away!" _

“We have to stop this. Someone stop him!” His anxious side was panicked.

“I don’t know! I don’t know what to do!” Logan was screaming, no control in his voice. 

“Do something! I can’t, I can’t! Do something!” Virgil was sobbing, Thomas still couldn’t see them but he could only imagine what they looked like.

_ "Somebody, please make him stop." _

“Look sweetheart!” That voice wasn’t in his mind. His jaw was being grabbed again and he tried to jerk it away from the man’s hold. “If you don’t stop we can do this the bad way. I’m trying to be nice but I have no problem  with-”

“The fuck are you doing Levi! Stop!” Which one was that one? Thomas turned his face towards the voice desperately. “I told you not to do anything yet! You’re gonna get us in trouble! Ian is here! Can’t you wait for your turn like us!” Thomas felt the body disappear from besides him. 

“I was just having some innocent fun, you guys told me I could make him stop crying, ‘sides why should Ian always get to try them out first.” Shoulder guy sounded out of breath. Thomas didn’t want to think about that, any of that. 

“Out! Get out! You know this one was different! Out!” Feet guy, that was feet guy. Then he heard a door slam and then nothing. Quiet. The only sound were his cut off sobs. 

“I think, I think they’re gone.” Logan sounded tired. Thomas wished he could see his face. 

“They’re gonna come back. Did you hear him?! They’re not planning to stop there! They’re just waiting for someone to get here! And that someone  _ is  _ here! Logan do something!” That was his anxious side speaking. Clearly in the middle of an attack.

“I don’t know what! I don’t know!” Thomas could picture logan pulling his hair. 

“Do something! Think of something to get out of here! We can’t stay here!” Thomas cried out feeling a new wave of fear come over him at Virgil’s words. It had to be Virgil who subconsciously caused it.

“I can’t Virgil! I can’t think! There is so much going on here! I can’t. I don’t know what to do!” As his voice of reason finished speaking Thomas heard the door open. He shook his head. 

_ "Please no. Please no. Please no."  _ He tried to get away. He didn’t know  _ where  _ “away” was but he knew he had to get away. 

“Aw, look at you, you look so scared, Sweetie.” That voice was new. “I sure hope I made the right choice with you.” The voice was closer. Thomas didn’t want it to get closer. He heard the bed move under the weight of someone else. He heard Virgil whimper and Logan make noises of protest. He whined, his back was against something hard. He had nowhere to go. 

_ "Please get away. Please let me go home." _

Without warning the blindfold was removed. His eyes at the sudden light and were foggy with tears. He looked around he was on what seemed to be a cheap wire bed. The bed was against a wall and had some sheets on it and a couple pillows. It didn’t look new. Other than that he seemed to be in an unfinished windowless basement. It was empty except for the bed, a boiler in the corner and a bucket. 

He saw Virgil and Logan standing in the middle of the basement a few feet apart, Thomas briefly remembering them explaining the strange rule there was where they couldn’t touch each other or him outside the mind in their normal forms. They both clearly looked like they needed a hug. He could only imagine what he looked like. Neither side was looking at him, they were looking at the man sitting next to him.

He had dark brown hair, dark eyes. His hair wasn’t short but he had enough that he could easily grab a handful to pull if he needed to fight. If he wasn’t still tied. Thomas didn’t recognize him and nothing stood out that he could use as an identifier to tell the police if, _when_ , he got out. 

“Hi, how are you?” Thomas didn’t know what to do. This man was smiling at him like he wasn’t tied in his basement. “Look at those eyes.” The man pressed his hand against his cheek and ran his thumb against his cheekbone rubbing the wetness there. Thomas threw his head back but the wall didn’t let him go far. “Hey, no, no. Don’t hurt yourself.” The man moved his hands and grabbed hold of the cloth keeping the rag in place. He looked at Thomas and then spoke in a serious tone. 

“If I take this off, I need you to promise not to scream, alright honey. I’m not a big fan of screaming unless our clothes are off. Do you understand.” Thomas could only nod, swallowing bile at the images those words were painting. The cloth came off and the rag was pulled out. The man continued to smile and it was the thing that scared Thomas most, how was he so calm about this? He was trying to catch his breath, thankful for the large gulps of air he could finally take.

“Is that better?” He tried to run his hand through the purple hair but Thomas jerked away. He saw something hard in the man’s eyes but it was gone in a second. “I asked you a question.” Thomas nodded, not knowing what else to do. The sides were quiet, watching from the sides.

“When I ask you questions,” Thomas’ chin was grabbed so that he had nowhere to look but at the brown eyes he wanted to avoid. 

“Yes.” The scared young man answered nodding along. 

“Good, good. Now,” dark eyes scanned his body, “what’s your name?” Thomas looked to the side at the other two in the room. 

“Say the truth. We don’t know if he already knows your name, like I said, he could also be a fan.” Logan’s eyes were puffy and his voice sounded used and sad. He saw Virgil nod, hands covering his face, clearly still crying but trying to regain composure.

“Tho-” He paused, saying his name to this person was harder than it should be. He’d never seen his name as something private, but right now it felt like giving away some secret part of himself. It felt wrong, but he had to answer. “Thomas.”

“Hi, Thomas.” Again, that smile. “You’re prettier up close.” Thomas couldn’t control his confused face. “I should explain, my friends and I, we have this business. We help others find people they might like to use for fun. That’s not important. That thing that _is_ important is that we were at the park some weeks ago and I saw you. You looked so nice, in this sort of medieval prince outfit, that I knew then that I just had to have you. It took us days and days of following you around. Everyone wanted to call it quits, except me. And then out of the blue, guess who decides to take a walk? You.” It took Thomas a minute to even make sense of any of this. It wasn’t random. They watched him for weeks. Were his friends safe? Was his family safe? He heard heavy breathing from where the others were.

“Please, just let me go. I don’t have money but if you want some I can find some. Please. Please, please, please. Anything. Anything you want, just let me go.” Thomas didn’t realize he’d opened his mouth. 

“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that, babe.” The hand was back, caressing his cheek. Thomas could only cry. And then he felt lips on his. He struggled to get away. Away. The kiss turned violent. There was biting. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want this. He couldn’t get away. The lips finally moved away. He turned his head to the side. Sobbing. 

Then something small was being shoved in his mouth, a hand covered his mouth and another his nose, both turning it so his throat was exposed. He could feel the pill but in his desperation for air, and the panic that he was being asphyxiated, he swallowed. Seconds later he was released and he took in the air. Air.

“I’m sorry, I know that was mean but sometimes it’s easier at first with this. It’ll relax you.” Thomas didn’t look at him, he wished he could curl away. He wished he wasn’t here. The sides were deathly quiet but he didn’t even want to look up at them. He wanted to be alone. 

“So, that takes a few minutes to take effect. I’ll be back in a little, there’s something I need to take care of before we have some fun.” And with that... he was gone and Thomas wished he’d never return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I don't know how realistic this was. If you have any pointers, feel free to let me know. Um... yeah. This one took longer, it was a little harder to write.


	7. Drugs and Hoodies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is late, I have been working really late this whole week, and I'll continue to work late for the rest of the week so expect another late update. Again, I'm sorry.

After the man left they stayed quiet. Neither side wanting to move, neither knowing what to do. After a minute, Virgil knew they couldn’t put it off any longer, they were working against a speeding clock. Logan looked bad, his breathing was heavy, his hair a mess from him running his fingers through it. He probably needed a few more minutes to calm down but this couldn’t wait.

“What was that?” Virgil asked, not even trying to keep the fear from his voice. 

“I don’t know, Virgil! I don’t know! I’m not a- I’m not an all-knowing being.” Not understanding things sometimes put Logon on edge, but this situation was beyond confusing and stressful. “I’m sorry, I jus-” Logan took a breath.

“I know, and it’s ok. It’s ok to be nervous and scared and all that, but right now, I need you to focus. Thomas needs you...” Virgil had tears in his eyes, he looked at Thomas who hadn’t moved. “What do you think was that?”

“It was a pill, at least that’s what was registered. It was-It has to be some sort of depressant, from what he...” Virgil saw Logan cast a look at Thomas. 

“From what was said. That doesn’t mean it is just a depressant. I don’t think I’d be able to accurately say what it was or its effects without at least looking at the pill first, which is no longer a possibility. All I have on drugs is textbook knowledge, no practice. A depressant, a depressant…” He muttered something to himself that Virgil couldn’t catch then continued at a louder volume so the anxious side could hear.

“Yes, it is probably a depressant but it could also be some sort of hallucinogen, which would be bad. Aphrodisiac could also be in the mix, it could be a little bit of all of those and more. It could be none of them, it could just be poison for all I know!” While he spoke, his voice had grown louder and more agitated, made Virgil feel even worse. He heard Thomas sob a little. 

“Ok, ok you’re losing me.” Virgil stepped in closer to him to try to keep this from Thomas’ hearing range, he didn’t want to cause more distress.

“Look, the brain registered that as a pill. All things considered, it’s probably a date rape drug, you might also know them as Roofies. In that case, it’s probably a depressant, a sedative drug, sleeping pill, tranquilizer, whatever you want to call it. It would slow Thomas down, make it easier to-to… To-um... “ They looked again at the human silently crying on the bed. 

“Ok…” Virgil waited for him to continue. 

“Yes, but it could also be a hallucinogen, it can make him have hallucinations and out of body experiences, it can get pretty bad. And an aphrodisiac, can uh, it can stimulate sexual desire. It can get really... bad... for him.” He finished lamely. Logan wiped his face with his hand and went to lean against the wall, looking at the floor. 

“So it could be Etizolam, takes effects usually after 30 minutes, could be less. Symptoms are, ah, a sedated feeling. Decreased attention, impaired coordination, dizziness, drowsiness, and decreased libido, along with like memory loss, effects last, they last, two hours? I think.” Logan shook his head, closing his eyes before moving along. 

“Ketamine, which is what I’m afraid of, kicks in 5-15 minutes, and it kicks in hard, in which case, we have like three minutes left if it kicks in early. It makes the person feel, um, feel… Feel dream-like, blurred vision, lack of muscle control, dizziness, drowsiness, nausea, vomiting, lack of appetite, lack of sleep, out of body experiences, dissociation, and some other things. It usually lasts two hours? Yes, two. No, maybe one…” Virgil watched as Logan gripped his head. He took a step towards him but the older side made a stopping motion with his hand and continued.

“Rohypnol takes 15 minutes, lasts up to 12.  Effects include, they include loss of muscle control, confusion, confusion, confusion… ah, drowsiness and amnesia. Oh and loss of muscle control, I mean the person could be laying there with their eyes open watching everything unable to move and then just forget everything after the drug passes.” He paused. Virgil could tell he wasn’t feeling well. He looked paler than he did a few minutes ago. And his words were off, not his normal to-the-point approach.

“Logan, you might want to sit do-” Virgil took another step towards him but Logan interrupted him.

“No, no wait.” The logical side let out a deep breath, “I need to get this out, before… before. GHB, 15 minutes to take effect, no thirty. No, no, that’s wrong. Fifteen. Up to 4 hours in effect. Ah.” He gripped his head and Virgil was getting really worried. “Amnesia, yes, lack of control, nausea, dizzy. I mean dizziness, drowsiness, blurred vision, it works as a sedative but can sometimes cause hallucinations. These are the most common ones. How long has it been?”

“I, I don’t know, like six minutes? Eight, maybe?” Virgil took another step towards him, not realizing how dizzy he’d started to feel. He couldn’t be sure but he was pretty positive that most of the drugs had dizziness in their effects. 

“Good, hopefully not Ketamine then. Oh, I feel…” Virgil watched as Logan tried to leave the wall and stumbled. “Are you, do you feel anything yet, Virgil?” 

“I feel a little light headed.” Virgil leaned against the wall himself. He looked at Thomas, this whole time he’d been silent even when the gag was gone. “Thomas, how are you feeling?”

There was no response.

“I believe we can feel the effects because we’re in our physical forms. I-I… I don’t feel good.” Virgil needed to get closer to Logan, it looked like he was being really affected, and Thomas still wasn’t moving or speaking.

If he was being honest Virgil didn’t feel awful, sure he felt a little dizzy but nothing near what Logan was displaying. He looked like he was about to pass out… The brain! Logan! The drugs were meant to debilitate and incapacitate the brain. That’s why the effects were hitting him harder. 

“Logan, listen, I think, I think this is hitting you harder and faster because these drugs are meant to mess with Thomas’ brain, right. They’re meant to calm him, that’s why I’m only slowly starting to feel it, but they’re meant to weaken you.” Virgil couldn’t get closer the physical barrier was up. He needed to get closer. He needed to get Thomas to react. 

“Virgil, I don’t…” And Virgil saw the moment that Logan closed his eyes that he was about to collapse. He made a split second decision and transformed. He was suddenly in Joan’s body and taking fast steps to reach Logan in time to keep his head from colliding with the floor. 

“Logan, Logan, please.” Virgil cradled the other’s head in his lap, Logan’s eyes were glassy and skin warm to the touch. He looked like he was starting to sweat and Virgil was glad he still had his tie loose and shirt buttons undone. Oddly, Virgil himself felt quite relaxed, almost too relaxed. 

He had to think of something, he couldn’t let Logan suffer like this. Virgil looked at Thomas, then at Logan. He had to get Logan out. If he couldn’t protect Thomas he had to at least protect his mind. He looked around, hoping that something would give him the answer. Nothing did. 

_ “...we can feel the effects because we’re in our physical forms…”  _

They would rarely connect with Thomas physically beyond projecting where Thomas was physically at. However, sometimes, when Thomas was really sick and had a fever one or two of them got sick too. Sometimes, when it was a long day of working together and Thomas developed a headache, Logan got one too. Or if he’d suffered an injury during a show run, Roman would say that he felt small throbbing in the place wherever the injury was. When Patton was working with Thomas on an emotional problem he came back physically exhausted and tired. Sometimes, when under a lot of stress Virgil could feel chest pressure. When he was tied, Virgil could feel a phantom version of the rag right before Thomas lost consciousness.

It was rare, but the pattern they’d noticed was that it was usually when they manifested physically with Thomas when he was going through something stronger than usual. This seemed like the perfect situation. Virgil was also aware that the physical symptoms would start to fade out when they went back to the mindscape, at least for the most part. He had to get Logan back to the mindscape.

“Virgil…” Logan looked weak and worried and panicked. And Virgil knew he had to send him back to the mindscape.

He knew what was coming. Thomas knew what was coming. Logan knew what was coming. The man had left little room to question what would happen when he came back. Virgil didn’t want Logan to be here for that if he didn’t have to, it was going to be ugly, it was going to be emotional. His heart ached at the thought, his eyes started to cloud, no matter how unreasonably relaxed he felt physically it didn’t take the pain inside. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted Roman. 

Roman.

He had to keep Roman safe, Patton safe, Logan safe. He had to keep Thomas as safe as he possibly could, and that meant keeping the others safe. In the mindscape. It took him a minute to come to a resolve, but once he did he knew he couldn’t go back. He took off his hoodie and wrapped it around Logan as best he could. For some illogical reason, he didn’t want his hoodie here when that man came back. It felt wrong to have something that caused him so much comfort tainted by this man’s presence. By this place in general. So, he wrapped it around Logan. 

“Virgil, what are you doing? What’s… what?” Logan looked like he wanted to get up but Virgil pushed him back onto his lap. 

“Shh, it’s ok. Logan, listen to me, promise me you won’t let Roman and Patton come through.” They couldn’t materialize.

“Patton.” Logan looked half asleep. He looked bad. Virgil couldn’t keep him here much longer. He had to do this.

“Yes, yes. Patton. Patton and Roman.” He took his head in his hands, looking him straight in the eyes, but it was blurry, cloudy with his tears. “You can’t let them out of the mindscape.” 

“Here.” Logan looked confused. The drugs were probably really starting to kick in. Virgil himself started to feel nauseous like earlier. 

“Yeah, yeah Logan, here. You can’t them come here. Promise.” He had to get this through, when Logan got back Virgil hoped he’d remember. 

“Prom-Promise.” Logan grabbed his hand and squeezed it. 

“God, I’m sor-” Virgil sobbed, he didn’t realize he’d started to cry this heavily. He choked back another cry. “I’m so sorry for this, for doing this to you.” He covered his mouth to not let out any more noise, but it was impossible. Virgil felt Logan shiver as he set him flat on the floor. He soothed his hair a little and grabbed his hands properly. Then he focussed all his energy, he felt the magic leave him and wrap Logan. He concentrated with all he had to envision the bed in the commons room of the mindscape. He hadn’t done this too often on the others, but there was a perk to appearing and not rising, he could transfer other things too when he focused hard enough. 

The amount of energy this was taking was bordering on painful, and it reminded Virgil of fixing the fountain That seemed like a lifetime away, even though it was only a couple hours ago. He knew he was already not in the best shape and this was going to leave him worse, but it had to be done. The magic was building, he could feel it. More intense and more there than when he appeared for Thomas. Suddenly he felt a snap from within and his hands were holding air. Good. Logan would be ok. Patton would be ok. Roman would be ok. 

He slouched forward until his forehead touched the floor and let out a deep sob from the deepest part of his heart and threat. He felt so alone. So alone. 

“Virgil... Vir....” Thomas. He was startled, those were the first words Thomas had said. He had to take care of Thomas. He wiped his face and got to his feet, the lightheadedness and nausea washing over him. He had to stay still for a couple seconds to keep a grip on his balance so he wouldn’t accidentally end up on the floor again. He took a step but he found his vision blurred at the edges. He felt sick. Thomas. 

“I’m here. Thomas, I’m here.” He took slow steps to him but he got there. It took him a moment to remember that he was in Joan’s body, but was thankful he transformed earlier, he didn’t think he’d have been able to do that at this point. 

“Joan.” Thomas’ eyes were also glassy, puffy, red. Everything they shouldn’t be. Virgil’s vision came in and out. If he lost focus everything would blur for a couple seconds. His movements felt slower, his tongue heavier. He had to focus.

“Noooo. Vir-gil. I’m... Vir...g.” He didn’t finish. He kneeled at the side of the bed. Leaning his whole body on it. He closed his eyes for a second, and when he opened them he felt different. He looked down to see that he was tied. He was tied on the bed. What?

Virgil closed and opened his eyes again. He was still tied. He could hear a voice in his mind, echoing. 

_“I don’t want to, I want to go home, I’m scared. Please help me. No. No. No. Please no. Don’t let him come back, please god don’t let him come back.”_

Virgil closed his eyes and squeezed them shut. What was _happening_? When he opened them he was back on the side of the bed. That scared him. He wanted to ask Thomas what was happening but he couldn’t. He couldn’t. He closed them again and he was back in Thomas’ body, seeing things from Thomas’ point of view with Thomas’ voice in his mind. While he was a part of Thomas’ personalities they’d always had a clear understanding that their “bodies” were different because Virgil's body was within Thomas in his mind.

This had never happened before. Virgil felt like he was trapped in a box, that box being his own body. Or rather, Thomas’ body. Along with Thomas. He shut his eyes again, hoping to get out again, but when he opened them he was still stuck with Thomas. Unable to move, to do anything but think. He couldn’t even panic properly, he was desperate for air he didn’t need. What was happening? It was like Thomas couldn’t hear him but he could hear Thomas. It was what he imagined being possessed by someone felt like, except he was the one possessing, without being able to control the body.

_ “...can sometimes cause hallucinations... out of body experiences, dissociation...”  _

Virgil wanted to scream in fear and frustration. He couldn’t move, and he knew what was coming and Thomas was scared and he couldn’t do anything. And to top it off, he somehow got himself stuck in Thomas’ body. He couldn’t decide if it was worse to see your friend being abused without being able to help or do anything, or to live the abuse right along with your friend. 

The door opened, but with his blurred vision Virgil couldn’t see who it was, but he knew. He wanted to squirm away, run away. Scream. Cry. Breathe. Sob. Fight. Hide. He couldn’t do anything. He could only listen as _He_ got closer and closer. As he listened to Thomas beg to be left alone he could only hope they would both be able to dissociate or pass out, but he doubted either would happen soon enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I've never been drugged so I don't know anything but what I found online. I hope this makes enough sense. The chapter, I hope was a little off. Drugs can mess with emotions and perspective so that's why some characters seem ok one minute, and off the next. Anything that you think would help let me know. And yes, Thomas was quiet in this chapter, he was shut down and trying to process things. So yeah... hope this helps explain some things.


	8. Perfect. Dirty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to warn you before you read: Non-con in this chapter. It's not graphic, like at all, but it still happens.

Thomas felt the weight on him, his eyes were closed and he was shaking his head. It was dizzying but he needed to get the point across: this was unwanted, whatever _this_ was. When he opened his eyes everything was blurry, it kept coming in and out of focus. Someone was over him. Oh, right, probably Logan or Virgil. It wasn’t Virgil. Where were Logan and Virgil? 

“I can’t get over how beautiful your eyes are.” Hands were caressing his face and he leaned into it. Wait. No. He leaned away. Thomas felt confused and disoriented, like if he was drunk. Something was off, he felt like something was off, Virgil always told him that. Something. He jumped when he felt hands again, had they ever gone away? He wanted them away, right? He felt like he should be scared, but he felt so relaxed, so calm. A little dizzy but calm.

“You’re still a little tense, it must be going slow, hm, Thomas?” That was his name. Thomas. He felt so lost. Who was this man? He looked at him, his face scrunching in confusion.

“Whhhhhoooooo?” Mouth slow and voice slurred, but he managed to ask. Why couldn’t he talk? He was just talking to Logan and Virgil not too long ago. What were they talking about? Where were they? 

“Who am I?” Thomas heard the man chuckle. The man was laughing. The man continued talking. It felt wrong. He didn’t want to be here. He tried to get up and leave but he couldn’t move. He closed his eyes for a minute. When he opened them he felt like he could see a little better, where was he?

“Did you hear me, Thomas?” This man, he knew this man. What was his name?

“Whooooo-whoooooooo?” Why couldn’t he talk?

“Guess not, Ian. My name is Ian.” The man chuckled and he ran his fingers through purple hair. Thomas closed his eyes and shivered in pleasure. When he opened his eyes he felt a little like time had gone by... like he was missing something. Hands were running themselves up and down his arms, bumping into something. What were those things on his arms? Rope. He was tied. He was tied on a bed. He jerked. Shaking his head, but it didn’t feel like him. He wasn’t tied, he didn’t feel the ropes but he knew they were there. 

“Shhh, don’t worry, it’s ok. I’ll help you.” Ok, that was good, someone was going to help him. Good, those hands at his neck, rubbing, massaging. They felt good. He felt good. So loose. It felt strange like he shouldn’t feel like this. Where was he? Wait, where was he? Was he on his stomach? When had he turned around... or had he always been on his stomach. He couldn't remember. Logan? 

He felt hands rubbing his shoulder blades, his arms and shoulders held back a little painfully by the ropes, the hands went down. He closed his eyes. The hands massaging his back and shoulders startled him into wakefulness again. Feeling tired, like he was missing on hours of sleep, Thomas looked around and saw nothing, everything blurred, grey blending into more grey. Wall. That was a wall. 

“That rope was hurting you, wasn’t it?” A nose, at least he thought that was a nose, was rubbing itself at the small back part of his neck. Where his spinal cord started, where his cervical vertebrae were. Cervical vertebrae. One of four types of vertebrates. Neck. Nose at his neck. Nape, it was called nape. It felt good, he couldn’t help the high whining sigh that left his mouth. This felt wrong. Why was this nose here? It felt good though. 

“You like that? Does that feel good? Am I making you feel good?” Thomas didn’t say anything. He was startled once more when he felt hands on his bare back. He should stop this. What was happening? Why was he getting a back rub? He felt a little sick in his stomach, but the rub was helping. Those lips at his neck felt good. The weight on his back felt good. No. No. Wrong. He didn't want this. He moved his arms, but they didn’t move much. He closed his eyes and when he opened them once more he saw a face right on top of him. 

“Hey, gorgeous. I wonder how awake you are.” Lips were on his. He didn’t have a boyfriend right now. Why was he kissing someone right now? Where was he? Turning his head he let it fall to his left, it took more effort than it should have, why was he so weak? He had a view of the door. A door surrounded by concrete, but then that vision blurred. Lips were at his throat. Hands under his shirt. No, wait. No shirt. He had no shirt on. Where was his shirt? He loved that shirt. This person needed to know that he wanted his shirt back. Where was his shirt? It was a red shirt. Steven universe. 

_ I love that show.  _

What?

Hands on his chest. Rubbing, pinching. This was wrong. He needed to tell this man to stop. Why was he doing this in the first place? He needed to stop. He couldn’t open his mouth. All his muscles felt like they had no power in them. He needed to get home. He needed to get snacks for Joan and Talyn. Joan. Talyn. He was going to be late for something. Something. Something was wrong. Virgil would know. Virgil?

Thomas opened his eyes. When had he closed them? He felt cold, he couldn’t move the blankets. The blankets weren’t moving because his hands couldn’t hold them. The blankets broke his hands. How could the blankets break his hands? His hands hadn’t even moved. He couldn’t move an he was cold. He whined at the back of his throat to let someone know he wasn’t comfortable. Maybe they could cover him? Where were his pants? Where was his shirt? He was cold. Could someone please cover him? Was he in a hospital?

He opened his eyes. He kept closing them. There was a face above him. Dark eyes. Dark hair in disarray. Face flushed. Was this man embarrassed? Would he cover him? He actually didn’t feel cold any more. He felt hot. Maybe it was the body on top of him that was warming him? The warmth felt nice. Who was this man? Was he his boyfriend? He didn’t have a boyfriend. He was single, so why was he with someone in bed. He had to stop this. He had to stop this man. He couldn’t open his mouth. He felt so stiff. Everywhere. Yet, so relaxed. He closed his eyes. 

A moan ripped out of his throat, he was being softly moved by a body. There was a body on top of him. Hands framing him. Surrounding him. Inside of him. Kissing him. Kissing his chest, his neck, his lips. There were noises that he couldn’t quite place but he knew were good, this was good. No. wait. Where was he? It didn’t matter. It did. 

“So pretty, so soft, you’re perfect.” He was perfect. He was pretty. Someone called him fat though, recently. Who was it? He couldn’t remember. He felt sweaty and sticky. He felt hot. He felt good, but it felt wrong. He felt like he shouldn’t be feeling good. He was doing something bad, but he didn’t know what. He heard grunts, his body was being moved, it was being pushed into by the body on top. It was rhythmic. He felt dirty, his face felt wet. He felt like he needed a shower. Could he shower after this? He wanted to shower now. 

“God, Thomas. Ah!” The movement stopped. He still felt hot though. There were hands on him. Right where he wanted them, but he didn’t want them there. He wasn't supposed to want them there. Pulling, up and down. These hands needed to stop, but he didn’t want them to stop. This didn’t feel right. It only felt  _ good _ , but not  _ right _ . 

“It’s ok, babe, let go. It’s your turn.” The hands kept moving on him. It was rhythmic. It was there. It was so much. “You did good babe. So good.” Good. His body was enveloped in a feeling of good. Good. Good. He felt good. He felt tired but so good, from head to toe. He felt good. He felt empty.

“You’re perfect. That was beautiful.” Lips. Lips on him. He couldn’t respond. He didn’t want to respond. Why? He felt good. He should respond. 

He opened his eyes. He was being cleaned with something. Was that his shirt? He wanted a shower, not his shirt. Was his shirt dirty now? Was he dirty? He’d only gone for a walk, right? Oh, wait... but he’d gone into the woods and he should shower before Joan and Talyn got here. He needed to tell this man that he was dirty. He needed a shower. 

 

Thomas opened his eyes. There was barely any light in the basement. He was in a basement. What was going on? His head hurt like when he got hit by that one laptop. Worse. He sat up on the bed and looked around. He was in a basement. He saw a huddle in the corner. Virgil?

“Virgil?” Thomas tried to get up and go to the side but he couldn’t, he felt too weak, the movement though caused him to feel all the soreness in his body. He felt sore all over. Even places he knew for a fact he shouldn’t feel sore in. What was going on? He felt dizzy.

“Virgil, what’s going on? Where am I?” Thomas watched as the anxious side jumped in surprise, and was that fear? Thomas only felt confusion. Grogginess. He watched as Virgil wiped his eyes, his face looked a little pale, maybe he’d just woken up too. Maybe he was confused too. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I couldn’t do anything. I’m so sorry!” The side was sobbing. Thomas felt dread pool in his stomach, he moved again but he didn’t get far. He noticed something, though. He was naked. 

“What? Why... Why am I naked? Virgil, what’s going on?” The panic was rising. He felt a little more awake now. He didn’t recognize this place, he was naked. He felt like he should remember something really important. What? What?

“I’m sorry. Thomas, I’m so sorry. I can’t. I can’t. He-he... I can’t.” Virgil stood up, wiping his face. He didn’t have his hoodie. He looked so young. So scared. “Don’t worry. Someone will come help. I just-I just. I can’t. I'm sorry.” He watched the boy sink out. 

He closed his eyes, trying to remember. Trying to think. There was a gas station, ice cream. A black car. Right? Yes... A man. A man. Ian? Something about a jacket? No. Hands. Lips. Hands.

_ “So pretty, so soft, you’re perfect.”   _ God. No. Please. He felt sore, he shouldn’t feel sore there. Please. Please. Please. He felt his eyes burning. He couldn’t remember, but he knew. He knew. It was like trying to see through fog, but he felt the phantom touches. He could hear the words, even if they were like distant echoes.

_ “You did good babe. So good.” _   The tears started to fall, quickly turning into sobs. He didn’t even try to stop as he wrapped the dirty blanket around his naked body. And wrapped his arms around himself. He felt so dirty. 

_ “You’re perfect. That was beautiful.”  _ Dirty. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank each and every one of you for your support. Thank you so much for understanding, especially when I told you guys about my job. I actually work at a high school as a secretary.   
> Last week we were short 3 secretaries all week and since we all cover each other's backs that put us all in a sort of stressful situation. Something you guys may not know is that when high schools have athletic events, the ticket takers have to stay for 3/4ths of the game/event and then they can go count the money (at least at my school.) By the time you're done, you're usually leaving late in the evening.   
> I was supposed to work 2 days of a 4 day soccer tournament, but one of the secretaries we were short was supposed to work the other 2 and since they couldn't find anyone they asked me to do it. And of course, I said yes. To top it off, on Wednesday the one non-soccer day, our counselors were holding a parent meeting about an upcoming ACT practice test, and I'd already told them I could translate for the event. So, long story short Monday-Friday I didn't get home any sooner than 8:30.   
> I felt like I needed to explain that; and I said, I just wanted to say THANK YOU for understanding. You guys are the best!


	9. Windows and Doors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm a terrible person right? Yeah. Thank you for still being here, all of you. FYI this is taking place on top of the events of the last chapter but I felt like the last chapter needed to be established first. So to clarify this takes place following the moment Logan left in chapter 7, in case any of ya'll are confuzzled.

Logan’s body woke up before his mind did. He lifted his body off the bed and to his left, by instinct clutching his stomach, and let out what was stuck in his throat. It was the snacks they’d had for lunch, and maybe parts of breakfast, and after all that was completely gone, it was bile. It burned his throat but he couldn’t stop dry-heaving; and in some twisted way, he didn’t want to. He wanted it all out. All out of his system. Even though he knew it wasn’t in _his_ system.

His mind was still foggy, his head hurt and he felt weak and dizzy and disoriented, but he could finally think a little better. Thomas got drugged and he was in his physical form when it happened, if he’d been in the mindscape this wouldn’t have hit him so hard. Those were the facts. That didn’t explain why he wished he was still with Thomas, even knowing he’d be useless in the stay the drugs had put him in. Even knowing he’d be in pain.

“Logan, what? When did yo-Logan!” Patton’s voice was full of worry and fear. He was standing at the side of the bed just a few inches away from the vomit. Looking back, Logan didn’t even hear him rise, or come in, whichever. He felt hands on his back and shoulder, rubbing, clearly trying to steady him. He flinched.

“Where’s Virgil?” Logan looked up at Roman’s voice, his vision unfocused for a second before it fixed on the youngest side in the room. Virgil. Virgil was still with Thomas. He had to go back. Logan tried to get up, but the dad side held his shoulders down. He felt like he was going to be sick again, even if he had nothing left to give.

“I...” Pushing the blanket away from his body with more force than necessary he tried to get up from the bed again, but when the blanket fell to the other side with a soft thud to the ground he realized it wasn’t a blanket. His head was spinning. Roman walked around the bed to the other side to pick up the thrown object. It was Virgil’s hoodie. He didn’t move. Logan felt frozen, felt a cold liquid flow through his veins, even if that was illogical.

“Logan?” Roman held the purple, black, and white hoodie in his hands. Squeezing in concern.

“Roman, give him a moment, will you? He’s sick. He’ll tell us about Thomas and Virgil in a second.” Patton chastised. He was scared and concerned but Logan could see that he wasn’t going to push.

“I know he’s sick, but where’s Virgil. Is he ok, why aren’t you answering?” Roman circled the bed to be at the side closest to Logan again. The hoodie in his hand. The hoodie that had been warm, wrapped around his body.

_“...promise me...”_

Logan’s thoughts were getting in order now, he felt tired, exhausted but not _weak_ anymore. The mindscape worked fast, and so did his mind. The kisses, the screams, the man’s words, the drug. Virgil’s request.

_“...promise me you won’t let Roman and Patton come through...”_

He’d promised Virgil. Why did he do that? He looked at the two sides in front of him. One looking at him with tears in his eyes, clutching to the hoodie of the man he loved. The other looking at him with eyes full of trust, like he hadn’t just left the boy he considered his friend, his _son_ behind. Behind to be raped. Because that’s what was going to happen, wasn’t it? He wasn’t stupid.

“Logan, what’s going on?” Roman took a step closer, boot landing on the yellowish-brown liquid on the floor, he didn’t seem to care.

“Virgil stayed. He... he stayed.” How could he explain to them what happened? What was probably happening right now. He wasn’t completely _sure_ , but drugs were making his connection to the body weak, basically non-existent. He could still feel the parts of the brain not offline in turmoil but everything was slowly shutting down. _Anesthesia_. There was only one reason to drug someone this way when they were already tied in your basement...  

“Is he helping Thomas? Do we need to go? For crying out loud Logan, say something! You two come in here and...” Roman was raising his voice, clearly ready for a fight, desperate. He watched as the hoodie was thrown on the bed in a heap.

“Roman, stop, give Logan a mome-” Patton began to cut in trying to bring reason to the situation, his eyes were glossy. Still trusting.

“No!” Roman barreled ahead, “They both,” he turned to Logan, “ _you_ both say that Thomas is kidnapped. Then you both leave, you leave me and Patton here! Patton was hurting, ok? He couldn’t control the emotions going through! Do you know how long it took him to get a hold on them?! And even then it was only because most of them started to shut down! Shut down!”

“The parts I’m connected to are shutting down, Logan! I can barely conjure a pen! And the parts that are still connected, I have no control over! Anything that pops up is completely at random! I could try summoning an apple and get a piano! And now you come back without Virgil! Just be honest and tell us what’s going on!” Roman had no patience left.

“Thomas is getting raped!” Logan saw the faces of the others completely empty of emotion. Then fill with shock, horror, terror. Logan was still catching up to the fact that he’d just said that. In all the ways he could have possibly tried to explain, this wasn’t even on the list.

“What?” Roman’s eyes drifted from his face, they landed on the dirty floor and then found their way back to his. Confusion was written all over them.

“Logan, what?” Patton’s face was flooded with pain, with hurt, Logan wanted to wrap him in his arms. He wanted to hide him until it was all better again. He wanted to protect him.

“The people that took Thomas,” he didn’t want to continue but he had to, “one of them got overzealous in his touching. Another mentioned he had to wait his turn. Then another came in and kissed him, and touched him inappropriately... then forced a drug into him. I got sick fast, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t do anything. Virgil... he… he transferred me but stayed with Thomas.” He looked at the floor, he didn’t know when he’d looked away from them but he was glad he didn’t have to look at them in the eye.

“He transferred you...” Logan heard the prince’s voice but he didn’t say anything, he didn’t look up. He felt shame for being so weak.

“We have to go. Thomas. He’s probably scared. Virgil! He’s-he’s probably feeling... I can’t even. We have to go!” Logan looked at at the oldest side. Patton’s face was red, and he didn’t recognize his expression, the dad kept looking between Roman and Logan.

_“... You can’t let them out of the mindscape...”_

“No.” His voice was stern and Logan’s heart hurt but he knew he couldn’t let them leave. He hated himself a little but he knew both Roman’s and Patton’s judgments couldn’t be trusted in any decision they took right now. He had to be strong for this, even if he wasn’t.

“What... _No_ ? What do you mean _no_?! That’s our kiddo out there! That’s Thomas out there! They’re both hurting! They need us! Logan!” Patton was angry, Logan could tell he was but he also saw the tears in his eyes. The hurt.

“No, you’re not going out there, neither of you are.” Turning to look at Roman, he saw that the usually regal side was still in shock. He hadn’t moved much and was just looking at the black and purple mess on the bed, the hoodie, with tears streaming down his face.

“He transferred you, knowing what would happen.” Roman’s eyes were bright with tears and Logan didn’t know he could hate himself this much.

“Yes. You both have to understand, you ca-” His words were cut off

“Understand what?! That you just left him there! You left Virgil and Thomas alone with monsters! You-you-you left th-” Patton was breaking down, his sobs and words pained his heart, he couldn’t even deny it. He left them. He was a coward. Logan had never felt like this before. He watched as Roman caught the father figure in his arms just as his legs gave out. He watched as the softer side was set on the bed. He watched as arms that weren’t his wrapped Patton in a hug. He listened to Patton’s gasps, sounding as if his lungs had collapsed. He watched and listened but didn’t dare take a step closer.

“Patton’s right. We need to go. We can’t leave them there alone.” Roman looked at Logan from within Patton’s arms.

“No! Listen to me, I can’t let either of you go out there! Not only because it would be dangerous but also because I promised Virgil!” Logan was grasping at strings, he needed to make sure they listened to him. Even if he didn’t want to listen to himself.

“Virgil was not in his right mind! You know he’d do anything if he thought it was to protect us! Even if he doesn’t need to, even if it’s not true!” Roman was screaming his voice broken and hurt. Betrayed.

“I can’t. I can’t let you go. Please.” _Please listen_. Logan’s own voice was starting to fill with emotion. He felt better physically even when he felt like he was falling apart from the inside out.

“You can’t stop us. You know that right. I’d like to see you try to stop us… Logic.” The last word was sneered, and that hurt. Logan could tell Roman was hurt and he didn’t mean it, but it hurt. They hadn’t used their practical names in a while.

“Roman. Don’t make me.” Logan voice nothing but a whisper. He wouldn’t back down, no matter how much it hurt. He knew that he could keep them _trapped in the mind_ so-to-speak. He did that with thoughts all the time, but he’d never done that to the sides, not only because it took too much power compared to thoughts, but also out of respect, out of trust. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t do it. It would take most of his magic and would probably hurt, but that was nothing compared to what Thomas and Virgil were probably going through.

“You have no idea. Don’t tell me you have any idea what they’re going through… You can’t make us stay here. You can’t make _me_ stay here while Thomas and _Virgil_ are out there. You can’t. You can’t.” Letting go of Patton, Roman stood up. Clearly ready to sink out. His face held nothing but sorrow and fear and worry and love. Logan couldn’t even begin to imagine what the royal side was feeling. What would Logan feel like if someone told him, in the most indelicate way, that the person he loved was being sexually abused as they spoke? That the person he loved was hurting right at this moment and that he wasn’t allowed to even _try t_ o do anything about it.

He found his gaze drifting to Patton, holding his hands over his mouth to keep in the keening sounds. Wailing. Grief. He clearly loved Thomas, cared for Virgil like a son. This was killing him. So Logan took a moment to hate himself before he did what he had to do. He took a split second to feel loss because Patton was going to hate him forever after this. He had to do this, though, to protect them both. To keep his promise.

He took all the magic left within him, not much to pull from considering all the parts of the mind that were in the dark. And then released it all in a whirling air of energy that went through the entire mindscape, closing all the exits, all the portals, all the doorways and windows to the physical world. He felt his magic twist and struggle under the pressure of overuse. Usually he didn’t need to close more than a few portals to trap thoughts, but in this case, he’d just closed _all_ of them. The other two were quiet, looking at him, trying to figure out what the surge in magic had done.

“You didn’t…” Roman’s eyes were sharp, it had taken him exactly 7 seconds to figure it out.

“You left me no choice.” Logan didn’t realize how close he was to crying until the small bubble of emotion broke his words. The lost of control and strength had left him raw. He leaned his whole body on the bedpost, feeling incredibly sick and weak again. He didn’t care. He felt hands grabbing his polo, wrinkling it. He didn’t care.

“Open them up, Logan! I can’t leave him out there.” Logan could distantly hear someone shouting at them to stop, but Roman’s voice drowned it out. “I can’t let him stay there, I can’t leave him. Let me help him. Please let me go help him. Please. Please. Please. I’ll do anything. Anything, just let me go help him Please. Please... I’m supposed to protect him. I’m supposed to-” Logan found himself wrapping his arms around the noble crumbling in his arms. He couldn’t see, everything was blurry with the tears escaping his eyes. Sobs were wrecking both their bodies and the only thing they could do was hold on to each other.

They were on the ground, Logan didn’t even notice that they’d lost their standing. He felt another pair of arms wrap around him, he knew it was Patton, he knew he should move away from both of them. He knew this, but he wanted to hug them before they hated him. Before they realized that he wasn’t worth more than the sickness still staining their floor. He just wanted to hug them before the reality of all this hit them, because when it did they wouldn’t even be able to look at him.

_...Promise..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who hates me? @raises my own hand@ I promise there will be comfort eventually... but there's a lot of hurt first. Like... A lot.


	10. Fishes and Pots

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank each and every one of you that left a comment and everyone who left a kudos and everyone who didn't do either but still came and read this! Thank you! Watch out in the Author's note below, the third paragraph might contain spoilers. This is your warning.

Patton was sitting at the fountain watching the fishes swim around as happy as they were a couple hours ago. A couple hours ago they’d been playing in the pool. Then, Virgil and Logan got called away. Then, Thomas had been kidnapped. Then Virgil and Logan had been called away again. Then Thomas got drugged. And now, he was probably getting… touched. Virgil with him. 

Patton could admit that he’d gotten upset, he’d said things he shouldn’t have to Logan. In the end, Logan had closed all the portals so that Roman and himself couldn’t materialize. Patton couldn’t believe he’d done that to them. His heart broke at Roman’s response, at watching him beg and plead, even after Logan refused to open anything. He’d told them he was sorry, and part of Patton understood that he was trying to keep them safe. Part didn’t care. He still wasn’t sure which part was going to win. 

The three of them had stayed together for a few minutes and then it had become too much to bear. Patton’s anger came out again, overpowering the sadness, and he had stood up, taking Roman with him, and left Logan in the commons room. Alone. Roman had been inconsolable. Babbling and babbling about how he had to go. Patton didn’t know what to do. It was usually someone else taking care of him when he couldn’t get a grip on the emotions, not the other way around. To top it off, he wasn’t dealing much better, all he wanted was a corner to cry in. He just needed to get Roman to calm down.

He decided to take Roman to his room and, with a guilty conscious, projected just enough emotional exhaustion to help out the physical exhaustion the prince felt. It took him a few minutes to fall asleep, crying and hurting as much as he was, but he eventually had. Roman’s room was dark, it was one of the areas affected most by the blackout. Patton found himself wishing to be somewhere else, not surrounded by shadows. He’d left Roman, promising himself he’d be back before the other woke up, he just needed a minute to himself. 

Finding himself at the doors of the common room, he realized that he wanted to go to the greenhouse. Debating a few minutes at the door, he tried to decide if he wanted to walk through the commons and take a chance that Logan was still there, or if he just wanted to find a different place. His need to go to the greenhouse won. When he entered the common room he didn’t see anyone. The vomit had been cleaned up. Virgil’s hoodie was laying neatly on top of the bed.

He ignored the little voice in his head telling him to look for the logical side, telling him that they all needed each other, and went to the door on Virgil’s wall. He opened it slowly, trying to not disturb the quiet. It looked just the same as it had earlier but somehow not, it was darker, lonelier. Letting his legs take him wherever they wanted he ended up at the fountain, surrounded by the hanging blue stargazer lilies. Finally, he let the tears fall, hugging himself. He felt anger. He felt helpless. He should know what to do, but how could he? He wasn’t prepared for this. He never had a plan to deal with this. He never even imagined this. He never imagined it  _ like  _ this. Never like this. Here alone he could admit that he was lost and lament that. 

He had no idea what to do. 

He only knew what he felt. He felt anger. He felt sadness. He felt the need to punch something. More than that he felt the need to hide. He wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there. Stay under the blankets until it all went away. Pretend all this wasn’t happening. To not think about how he should have somehow seen this coming. How he should have protected the others. Even if he knew there was no way he could have predicted the future. 

Still, he should be the one out there, not Virgil. Never Virgil. The youngest. The one that was just starting to open up to them. The one that was comfortable with who he was but sometimes had trouble  _ accepting  _ who he was. The one that didn’t know how good he was until they had to spell it out for him. The one that didn’t always feel like he deserved love. His best friend. The boy he saw almost like a son. 

And then there was Thomas. Thomas who wouldn’t harm anyone, ever, because he thought no one deserves anything but the best. Thomas who tried to make everyone smile because he thought that smiles were like medicine to the soul. Thomas who loved the world with all its secrets and wonders. Thomas who loved his friends more than life itself and treated them like the most important thing in the world. Thomas who loved to love. 

He turned and blindly grabbed the pot at the nearest shelf and threw it, it crashed against the floor. Another one appeared in his hands and he smashed it too. Another one. Another. Another. The floor was an array of orange and yellow and pink and white and green and brown. Sharp edges of clay lay about. He grabbed another pot but made the mistake to look at it. Lilacs. He felt a scream build in his throat but when he let it out it dissolved into a heart wrenching sob. 

He lifted his arms to throw it, but couldn’t. He lowered his arms and hugged the pot. He held it to his chest, close until he was afraid if he squeezed any harder he’d break the pot by accident. He took sightless steps until he reached the fountain. He sat looking at the water, just letting out the tears, letting out the hurt. Just letting it all out. Crying it all out. Just feeling for a moment.

He saw movement in the water and wiped his eyes to get a better look. They were the fishes. The fishes that Logan had created for him before he’d fallen into the fountain that morning. Suddenly he could clearly remember seeing him remaking them from the window of the shower house. They were Japanese koi, at least that was what Logan had said. He’d told him this while forming them the first time in arrays of white and orange and red. Patton, being who he was, had changed their color immediately.

There was a purple one with black spots all over, a white one with a single big red spot on it’s back, a beige with light blue spots, and finally a dark blue one with black stripes; that one seemed to shimmer. They were supposed to represent them. That was what he’d told Logan to explain his choice of colors. That didn’t stop the other side from rolling his eyes at him, even if there was a small smile on his face. They weren’t the colors these types of fish typically were and that just didn’t make sense, Logan had complained several times but he hadn't fought Patton further on it.

He felt another wave of grief wash over him when he recognized that they were still the color he’d made them earlier. Even after all of his complaining about how the colors weren’t realistic, Logan still remade them just like Patton wanted them to be. He always tried to make him happy.

He felt overwhelmed by sorrow and anger. They were battling in him and he didn’t know how to get a grip. 

He felt sorrow at just thinking about how hard this situation was going to be on all five of them. Sorrow at knowing he’d hurt Logan. Sorrow at knowing he couldn’t be there for Virgil when he most needed it. Sorrow at knowing Thomas was hurting. Sorrow at knowing Roman was falling apart. Sorrow at knowing they would all hate themselves, but not knowing how to stop that.

He felt anger at Logan for not letting him go out. Anger at Logan for not understanding. Anger at Logan for always… no. That wasn’t right… That wasn’t fair. He felt anger, but he shouldn’t direct it towards Logan. Instead, it should be directed towards at the men doing this. He should feel anger at the men hurting them. He knew he was just taking his anger out on Logan, but that knowledge didn’t mean anything. He _shouldn't_ be, but he still _was_ angry at Logan. He knew it wasn’t going to do any good to feel that way towards the intellectual side, but he also didn’t know how to not feel angry towards him. He was so confused. So out of his depth. He didn’t understand. 

He hugged the pot still, crying out his pain and frustration. He was loud, wailing where no one could hear him. He didn’t want anyone to hear him. He found himself sinking from the side of the fountain to the floor, hugging himself and the pot to the side wall for support. He briefly imagined himself taking the pot and shattering it against the rocks, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t. Not the lilacs. 

He felt the presence of someone in the room and was instantly alarmed, scrubbing his hands at his face to clean it. He looked up to see Logan standing there. Looking at him. Ironically, all logical thought left him. He turned away from the rock and grabbed a handful of the dirt, pottery, and dying flowers, throwing it at the younger side a few feet away. 

“I’m sorry, I jus-” Logan looked so sad.

“Get out!” He grabbed another handful of dirt and flower. 

“Patton-” Logan raised his arms in a surrendering motion, clearly trying to placate him.

“Out!” He threw it and grabbed another, bringing himself to his knees. 

“Patton, please I-” Logan took a step closer, then back again to avoid sharp pieces of clay. 

“Get out! Out! I don’t want you here! I hate you! Leave now!” Patton set the lilacs down to his left carefully as to not cause damage to it. Then turned and grabbed two handfuls feeling a sting in his hands and not caring for the warm liquid running down his arm as he raised it. 

“Patton! Listen to me!” Logan covered his face from the flying dirt and pieces of flowers and ceramics. 

“Didn’t you hear me?! Leave me alone! You’re good at that aren’t you?!” He didn’t mean it, but that didn’t stop him. 

“Patton!” Logan looked hurt, good. 

“I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” He was finally on his feet and grabbed the closest pot to him about to throw the whole thing, but suddenly strong hands were holding his wrists, keeping them still. “Let me go! Don’t touch me! I hate you!” He struggled to get loose.

“Patton, I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Just listen for a second! The mind is turning back on! The systems are restarting. That means Thomas is waking up.” The hands let him go and he pushed Logan away.

"Stay away from me!" His hair was in his face but he could see just fine.

“Go get Roman. I’ll open the portals. Just... just go get Roman. I’ll see you in the living room in 10 minutes.” He watched as Logan raised his arms again in a non-threatening way and backed away. 

Once he was gone Patton completely deflated. He felt ashamed. Distracted he ran his hands through his hair, then realized his mistake when that stung. Ten minutes. He would go to the restroom, wash his hands, take out the large shards, use his magic to heal the wounds and wake Roman up. Then go meet up with Logan, and try to ignore what just happened.

He started walking towards the door but stopped. He turned, took the pot of lilacs laying on the floor with his bleeding hands and started for his room, deciding to stop there to leave the pot somewhere safe before he did anything else he might regret. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note:   
> So I know this is moving slow, but I want to flesh out what each character is feeling. I don't want to keep anyone in the background, even if that means putting some points of views on hold while I juggle the others. I know the points of views were shorter at the beginning but as I've gotten farther in, I think this is better for the story. Sorry if that's confusing. 
> 
> Also, yes many of the characters are feeling the same things: Fear, sadness, confusion; but they also each are feeling it in different ways, Logan feels guilt, Patton anger, we'll see each one in their own light. Each for different reasons. Each with their own feelings and thoughts, but much of them still the same. Not all coping is the same but they all stem from the same pain. We also have to remember, emotions aren't always on the same page with logical thoughts, I hope that explains Patton... 
> 
>  
> 
> May Contain Spoilers... Virgil and Thomas are not through being hurt. Thomas is still in that basement with unknown men. There's still danger, there are still problems ahead, and if you look at previous conversations among character, you'll know what I mean. And that immediate threat is not good for anyone here. So please bear with me a little because my original draft wasn't supposed to make this story this long. ... May Contain Spoilers
> 
>  
> 
> I hope that helps explain my choices. Thank you for hearing me out! Any tips and recommendations are always welcome.


	11. Popcorn. Chocolates. Sodas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In memory of Forest.

Roman was sitting on his bed, in the dark. He hated the dark for the most part but right now it wasn’t so bad. The darkness hid his tears. He could pretend to be in a nightmare. That would be better than admitting this was the real world and that such awful things happened to good people in the real world. Pretending this wasn’t real was easier than accepting that such awful people really did exist. Such terrible monsters who hurt people who hadn’t done a single thing to deserve this. No one _ever_ deserves this.  
  
Patton had left, the sound of the door closing is what woke him, it seemed he’d dozed off for a minute there and the dad figure had made a run for it. Roman couldn’t blame him. Who wanted to be with someone so weak they couldn’t protect their boyfriend? Well, Patton doesn’t know Virgil is his boyfriend, but still, he was the Prince. It was a Prince’s job to protect. He should have been strong and brave, he should have protected Virgil and Thomas. He loves Virgil. At least that’s what he always said, how could he claim to love him and not rescue him? Does he still have the right to say he loves him? Virgil probably didn’t love him anymore. How could he? He was just sitting here doing nothing while he suffered. No. No. Those weren’t the right types of thoughts to be having now. Even if they were true.  
  
Roman buried himself in the covers trying to drown out his negative thoughts, trying to hide his shame and wet face in the smooth silk. The sheets were nothing like the ones on the bed in the commons or the ones on Virgil’s bed. The younger boy didn’t like the sheets, he always complained the silk covers were cold or hot, or too smooth and slick, he just didn’t like them. He found himself wondering if the monsters who were doing this at least had the decency do it on a bed. To make Thomas at least somewhat comfortable. Were there sheets on the bed? Were they soft? Clean? No, no, no. He didn’t want to think about this. About Virgil, about Thomas. He needed to calm down. Only a minute, he just needed a minute to calm down.  
  
He wrapped himself tighter in the sheets, smooth silk, his thoughts traveling to one particular time Virgil had been upset with him because of a movie. That had been about five months ago? Their relationship was still pretty new, maybe two months old at most. Surprisingly, the sheets had played an interesting part in resolving the issue. No wait, he didn’t want to think about that either, no, no, not now. He didn’t want to think about anything. Despite himself, he found his thoughts landing on that memory again. That had been a bad fight, but it had also been the best thing that had happened to their still blooming and tentative love.  


* * *

  
  
  
The door closed shut behind Roman, the royal side was upset at the others’ inability to just talk to him. Virgil was angry at _him_ because apparently Roman _never listened_ to him. This was their first real fight since they had gotten together and, under any anger he elt, there was real worry that this would break them apart. And over what? A stupid movie, but it wasn’t just about the movie, that’s just what had started the argument.  
  
They had been getting ready to watch a movie in a small theater Roman had created in one of the rooms connected to the commons. It had originally been a four-side event, but it hadn’t stayed like that for long. Logan had said he would love to hang out but he really needed to finish organizing some files of new things Thomas had learned before they lost their sequence. Patton had also canceled saying he was going to visit the little petting zoo they had; he’d been busy lately and needed to make sure the animals were alright and didn’t need anything. So it ended up just being them.  
  
Roman had quickly taken advantage of that and made it into a date, even if Virgil didn’t know it was a date. He told Virgil to go get popcorn while he set up the movie as an excuse to get him out of the room. On his way out, the anxious side said something over his shoulder about princesses being his favorite. Roman didn’t listen too carefully, he’d been too busy planning in his head how to make this special. Once the other was out of the room he transformed the four place sitting area into a loveseat.  He made a table appear in front of the loveseat with food on it. He tried to think of what would be romantic and still theater appropriate, he ended up with pasta. He knew conjuring food was cheating but it was also fast. There were rose petals all around the room on the floor and on the table framing the plates. He made sure the movie was set to Sleeping Beauty and waited with a rose in his hand for Virgil to come back in. The lights already dimmed a little. It looked like it was straight out of a cheesy rom-com scene and he was basically vibrating with glee as the door opened.  
  
“I added a lot of butter,” Virgil walked distracted in balancing a huge round tupperware filled with popcorn, some sodas, and a bag of candy. “I know you like it with extra butter, also brought some sodas, a few extra in case the others show up. And guess what? I found som-” Virgil stopped in his tracks. Roman could see his eyes shifting around the entire room. A soda slipped from his hand hitting the floor and rolling away a little, that seemed to break him from his spell. He bent down to pick it up but accidentally dropped the bag of M &Ms he had in his hand and one of the cans in the crook of his elbow. The bag seemed to be already open and the M&Ms spilled all over the floor.  
  
Roman looked on amused, he bent down to help but Virgil stopped him with a shaking head as he stood and set the popcorn and three sodas down on the table. Roman watched as he turned back to the floor to pick up the remaining soda and the little round chocolates that were scattered on the floor; his hands now a little stained with red, and blue, and orange, and yellow, and green, and brown. He could hear a sigh escape the younger side, and his stomach dropped a little. He couldn’t see Virgil's expression but he knew it wasn’t good. The purple side finally turned to him.  
  
“What is this?” Virgil’s face read confusion, but also a little uneasiness. A little nervousness.  
  
“Um, well the other two were no shows so I decided that it would be nice to have a date,” he paused for a second, “we’ve had exactly two dates so it’d be nice to have another. You and I. You know?” He felt unsure now, Virgil, for some reason, did these types of things all the time. It seemed that any sort of romantic gesture on his part was shot down quicker than a deer during hunting season.  
  
“No, Roman, no. Take this all away!” Virgil was upset, he was trying to appear calm but his whole body was tense and clearly upset. His voice was strained and rising.  
  
“What? Why? Don’t you, I mean-I...” Roman didn’t understand.  
  
“It’s nice of you to do this for me, and it’s all pretty and stuff but we can’t do this. We already invited the others! They could walk in at any moment!” He got on his knees again and picked up as many petals as his hands could reach, then got up and shoved them at Romans chest. “Please, _please_ , make them disappear Roman!” He looked really upset now, this, in turn, was also making Roman upset; and a little hurt if he was honest. He hadn’t expected Virgil to react badly, or at least not like this.    
  
“Ok, geez, by Odin’s beard, calm down. I will.” He tried to hide his discontent with this turn of events but he doubted he was doing a good job at it. “Just get the things off the table unless you want it all to end up on the floor.” He was half-way to grumbling but Virgil did what he was told. Roman knew the other side was pretending not to notice his change in mood. The moment everything was moved to the seats, he made the petals and table disappear. He changed the loveseat into a regular movie-theater seat, this shifted the things on it but not enough to have them falling on the floor. He also added two more since, apparently, they might still be expecting company, at least according to Virgil.  
  
“Thank you, I’m sorry, I-I...” Virgil tried to stop him as he walked past him to take his seat. Roman was hurt enough to brush his hand away and kept walking.  
  
“It’s fine. Let’s just forget about this and watch the movie.” He sat on the seat and waited as Virgil arranged the sodas on the seats next to them. He saw out of the corner of his eye as Virgil dumped all the M&Ms into the popcorn. Meanwhile, he tried to push away the hurt that he felt at the fact his boyfriend had reacted so poorly to what he thought would be a nice surprise. Hurt and embarrassment. Especially because the reason was his worry the others would find out they were dating. They’d talked about telling the others, Roman wanted to shout it out to the world! It’d been two months! Still, Virgil wouldn’t budge in his decision not to.  
  
“Have you tried popcorn and chocolate together?” The voice was still tense but Roman could tell Virgil was trying to defuse the situation.  
  
“No.” He didn’t want to talk right now.  
  
“Oh, I should have asked before I dumped them in, whoops...” Virgil was stopped and waited for him to respond but he didn’t. “I guess you can pick them out if you don’t like it? Is that ok?”  
  
“Yes, I suppose it is. Are you ready?” Roman was being harsher than he should be, but he couldn’t help himself. Or rather, he didn’t want to. He was mad and he wasn’t going to hide that.  
  
“Roman, look, I’m sorry. Really. We can do that later. I just don’t want the others to-could you look at me?” Roman did as Virgil asked. “Thank you, really, thank you for that. But I don’t want the others to walk in without us having told them first. We already told them about tonight and they could decide to still come later and-”  
  
“Virgil, I get it. It’s fine. Let’s just see the movie.” Roman waited for the other to nod and turned back to the screen. He instantly felt bad, he wanted to say something but decided it was best to completely cooled down before continuing this. That was the plan at least, but the moment the movie turned on with the ringing trumpets and the old logo and the song about a dream, everything went up in flames  
  
“I don’t wanna watch this,” Virgil said, softly but firmly from next to him. Roman’s face scrunched up as it turned to Virgil.  
  
“What?” He shifted to look at him better.  
  
“I don’t wanna see this. I wanted to see Anastasia.” Virgil wouldn’t look at him, picking a popcorn and popping it in his mouth. He chewed slowly and swallowed. “I told you that.”  
  
“No. No, you didn’t.” Roman sighed loudly as he got up to change the movie.  
  
“I did. Before I even got the popcorn. Weren’t you listening?” Virgil set the tupperware aside and stood up.  
  
“You said to just put something with a princess on it! So I did! I’m sorry it wasn’t the right one, I can’t read minds!” All the patience Roman had was gone, and it took him an instant to figure out this was going to be a fight.  
  
“I said I wanted to see Anastasia! “ _She’s my favorite non-Disney princess!_ ” I never said anything about putting on any princess! You never listen to me!” Virgil threw his hands up in the air in frustration, the gesture irritated Roman even more.  
  
“No, I guess not, but then again, even if I did it’d still be too hard to please you. I never seem to do anything right, do I?” Clearly referring to the flowers and food. He bent down to get the disc out and made a copy of Anastasia appear. He took it out of the box harsher than necessary and made Sleeping Beauty disappear.  
  
“I didn’t ask you to do that. I didn’t want you to.” Virgil’s voice was a hint deeper, anger seeping through, most people wouldn’t be able to tell. Roman could.    
  
“No, no you didn’t, you’re right, you didn't ask me. I just wanted to surprise you but that doesn't matter, we always end up doing whatever you want. Right?” He stood up and used his magic to activate the movie. “It doesn't matter what I want, right? It doesn’t matter that you don’t tell me what you want!”  
  
“That’s not-”  
  
“Not what? Fair? True? You know it’s true.” Roman crossed his arms.  
  
“No, it’s not..” He let out a forced laugh at Virgil’s gritted words.  
  
“Oh, yes it is. You know it. You never talk to me, you never talk to anyone!” His jaw clicked shut in anger, he clenched his teeth.  
  
“I do too!” Virgil was clearly just trying to oppose him at this point.  
  
“You do? Then tell me this: why haven’t we told the others? You know if there’s one anything I want, it's to tell them.” Roman knew he shouldn’t have brought that up, and Virgil’s hard eyes confirmed it as he turned his back to him and started to walk away. “Where are you going?”  
  
“I don’t know, guess I don’t wanna watch anything with you anymore.” He kept walking.  
  
“I put Anastasia on!” Roman let out a groan of anger. His fists tightening in frustration, in the absence of knowing how to fix this.  
  
“Screw you!” Virgil said slamming the door behind him. Roman ran after him.  
  
“Virgil!” He opened the door and saw the boy head for the exit of the commons. He ran to him, grabbed his arm and spun him around. “Virgil!”  
  
“Don’t you dare do that, again!” Virgil yanked his arm away. His rational part knew that he shouldn’t have grabbed him like that and he took a step back, but he was still keyed up.  
  
“What is your problem?!” Roman just really wanted to know what was wrong.  
  
“Mine?! What’s yours?!” Virgil’s face was a mix of hurt and anger.  
  
“Oh, I don’t know maybe feeling unwanted by my boyfriend? Maybe feeling like you're about to have the breakup talk with me at any second all the freaking time? Maybe feeling like you wouldn’t even talk to me to break up with me! That might cause some problems!” He took another step back, part of him told him to calm down, the other wanted answers. Roman was giving the latter part full control.  
  
“First off, don’t fucking yell at me, I’m not deaf!” Virgil completely ignored the fact he was also yelling “And second, could you check what comes out of your mouth? The others could hear you!”  
  
“See! That’s what I mean! Right there! You don’t want anyone to know you're my boyfriend! I bet you would protest if I told the hamster! Why? Are you planning on breaking up with me? Do you think this won’t last and that’s why you don’t want anyone to know?! Huh? Answer me!” Roman was panting, the reasonable side of his brain again telling him to calm down. His eyes fixed on Virgil’s.  
  
“If you keep yelling at me, I guess you won’t have to worry about telling anyone anything because there will be nothing to tell.” His brows were scrunched together in a frown, that was the last thing Roman saw before he walked out the commons door. It took Roman a second to understand what he meant. He ran after him again, catching up to him in the living room, and grabbed his arm once more.  
  
“Wait!” Roman, shouted and Virgil yanked his arm away again with more force than last time and pushed him away with both hands, his face red with deep anger.  
  
“Stop doing that! I fucking swear! You do that one more time and I’m going to kick you in the balls so hard you won’t be able to move for a week!” Roman felt ashamed, Virgil had asked him to not do that and he had. He could recognize that physically grabbing him in a middle of an argument wasn’t the way to get Virgil’s attention. He could also admit that yelling wouldn’t get them anywhere. He sobered up at the thought of how disrespectful he was being and took a breath in and out before continuing.    
  
“I’m sorry, sorry. Just wait. Wait a second. Can we back up a second? Are you breaking up with me?” His previous anger was being overpowered by hurt now. By dread.  
  
“I don’t know. You tell me.” The anxious side’s voice was calm. Devoid of feeling and that set off a deep ache off in Roman’s stomach.  
  
“Can we talk about this? Can we please talk about this before you decide that? Please?” The anger and hurt had turned into desperation fast. Yeah, they were fighting, but couples fought all the time! They shouldn’t be breaking up at the first one right?  
  
“Fine. But not here.” Virgil dared him to say the wrong thing with a single look. Roman honestly thought about it before opening his mouth.  
  
“Yeah, um, my room. Is that ok? Do you mind if we talk in my room?” He ran his hand through his hair.  
  
“Won’t it...” Roman saw Virgil's eyes narrow in confusion.  
  
“It only influences things to do with your imagination not emotions, and even then, it takes a while to start taking effect. We can talk. I’m sure you won’t want to do it in the commons where the others could come in, and we can’t go to your room. Come on, you can even summon things easier there.” Roman was basically begging now.  
  
“Fine. Lead the way.” Virgil’s jaw was clenched still. Roman nodded.  
  
Roman took his words to heart and headed to his room, trusting the other to follow him. Once there he opened the door and let the darker side in. His arms were crossed and his back turned to him. Roman felt a moment of embarrassment as he realized his room was kinda messy, his PJs were on the floor along with his bed sheets. He had shoes scattered around and his desk was a mess of notes.  
  
“Ok, so just to be clear, we’re still together right? We’re not…” Roman didn’t want to say it again.  
  
“I don’t know Princey. Are we? Is it worth it?” Virgil wasn’t happy, Roman knew that, but he didn’t expect his nickname to sound so wrong on his lips.  
  
“Don’t call me that. Please, don’t. Not like that. Virge, I’m sorry. How can I fix this?” Roman was trying to think back on what he’d said but his thoughts kept going to: _Please, don’t do this. Please don’t do this._  
  
“There’s nothing to fix.” Virgil still wouldn’t face him, Roman’s whole body was screaming: _Wrong! Wrong! This is wrong!_  
  
“No, no, don’t say that. Virgil, this is just a fight. What do you want me to do? Say I’m sorry? I don’t even need to say it. I am. Ok? I really, really am. I shouldn’t have yelled. I shouldn’t have-have grabbed you like that. I’m sorry.” Roman paused. “Virgil?” No response. His patience was wearing thin, again. Anger sprung up at being the only one that seemed to be trying to keep them together. “Virgil!”  
  
He tried grasping his arm again to turn him but Virgil saw it coming this time. He grabbed his arm and used the momentum to push him away, Roman lost his footing and tripped. His foot caught a boot laying on the floor and the other caught the sheets. The problem with that was that his floor was hardwood, and the silk sheets slipped, he fell on his knees; hard. He heard Virgil intake a breath and moving to help him but he shook his head, he didn’t want Virgil to see the tears that had appeared in his eyes at the pain. Not only from the fall but also the conversation. He tried to get up with the help of the bed but he ended up only grabbing more sheets that came free and had him landing on his bottom. That one hurt less.  
  
He tried to get up faster this time, his pride already wounded enough, but in his haste, he got more tangled and couldn’t do anything but fall again on his face. He heard giggling behind him.  
  
“Oh, my god. Roman are you ok?” Virgil couldn’t hold his laughter. Roman found a plan forming. He held out his hand for Virgil to take it to help him up. “Oh, ok.” He heard him laugh softly again. As soon as their hands made contact, he pulled hard. That brought Virgil toppling over him. He laughed harder. “What are you doing?!” This time the raised voice wasn’t from anger.  
  
“I don’t know, you just fell over, I thought you were supposed to be helping me up not making it harder.” He let out a chuckle as Virgil tried to regain his balance, but the silk kept sliding and making it much harder than it really should be. They both just stopped trying and started laughing. When they calmed down a little, there were tears in both of their eyes. Roman couldn’t speak for Virgil, but the tears that were spilling from his eyes weren’t from the laughter, they were real.  
  
“Ok, let’s just-” Virgil got himself untangled from the sheet, and Roman let him go, all but his hand. He grasped that tightly in his. His tears still falling, and upon looking at Virgil more closely he saw the hurt in his eyes.  
  
“We’re not really breaking up. Are we?” He brought his hand to his lips and kissed it. It had been two months and that was the only part of himself that Virgil had let him kiss. So, he kissed it. Multiple times, kisses all over the hand grasped in his.  
  
“I… I don’t know.” Virgil was trying to stop crying. “I don’t think I want to.”  
  
“I don’t either. So what are we doing?” Roman let his hand go and wiped his face.  
  
“I don’t know.” Virgil wiped his face too, he looked a little lost, Roman acted on instinct and hugged the younger one. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. Any of it. I’m sorry for all of it.” The anxious side hugged him back, hard, Roman never wanted to let go. “Can we just forget this happened?”  
  
“No. Virgil, we can’t.” At that Virgil tried to push himself away, and after a second Roman let him go. His face looked like he was in pain.  
  
“I already said I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean it.” Virgil looked ready to run. Roman grasped his hand again.  
  
“No, stop. Listen to me. I meant the fight. Not the break-up thing. That was something neither one meant and we shouldn’t have said, but the fight, that we need to talk about.” Roman could tell Virgil was relieved at that. He stopped trying to pull away.  
  
“Ok, yeah. Yeah.” He wiped his face again and this time shifted himself over so that his back was leaning against the side of the bed. Roman did the same, he sat just far enough to give the other side room, and close enough that the other knew he was there. They were in this together. They could solve this.  
  
“I’m sorry I grabbed you like that. I shouldn’t have.” Roman felt like that was something that he really needed to explain. “I was trying to get your attention, and went about it all wrong.”  
  
“It’s fine.” The younger side picked at his sleeved. “I know you weren’t trying to hurt me. I know. You didn’t. You didn’t hurt me. It’s alright. I just don’t like being grabbed.”  
  
“And that’s why it’s not alright. You asked me to stop. And I didn’t, I should have. I wasn’t trying to hurt, and I’m glad I didn’t but that’s not an excuse. It was disrespectful and not the type of attitude a prince should display. I promise to never do that again. You tell me to stop and I will stop. Even if it’s like, I don’t know, pouring milk.” Virgil chuckled at that, and Roman smiled back at him.  
  
“Thank you.” They were silent for a few minutes, both just thinking and breathing.  
  
“Why did it upset you so much?” After calming down, Roman figured that was what was something he couldn’t quite let go of. “The dinner I mean.”  
  
“I… I don’t want the others to know.” Virgil was looking at his hands, which he was wringing in each other.  
  
“Why? Why is it so bad that they know? I don’t get it. We’ve been dating two months, Virgil. We’ve been on two dates, that’s a rate of one date a month. Why can’t we do more? Just us? No inviting the others. Just us. I just don’t get it. We don’t kiss. We don’t really hold hands or hug unless we’re under lock and key. We won’t tell the others. It’s like we’re barely dating, do you want to date? Let’s just start there. It’s ok if you don’t. I won’t be mad, or hold it against you, but, like, honestly do you want to be dating me? ” Roman turned to look at Virgil, giving the purple boy his full attention.  
  
“Yes, yes I do.” Virgil looked like he was ready to start crying again. “I don’t want to break up. I want to be with you. I already told you that.”  
  
“Hey, I am not breaking up with you.” Roman side hugged him, pressing him close to himself. “I just want to know. I want to understand what’s going on in your dark stormy brain.” Virgil removed himself and got up at that, slowly and carefully. Roman followed, making sure to not trip this time.  
  
“I don’t want to tell the others because... “ He stopped, turned to look at Roman. “Because I don’t want them to look at me with pity when you break up with me.”  
  
“What?” He got closer to Virgil, making sure to not crowd him. “Why would you think I want to break up with you? What did I ever do to make you think that? I’m sorry if I-”  
  
“It’s not you Princey, it’s me. I’m the problem here.” This time the name didn’t sound wrong.  
  
“No, wait, just… why?” He didn’t understand.  
  
“I am bound to mess something up. I’ve ne- It’s not like I do this often. I’m sure I’m not what you really want. You just make me so happy, us being together makes me feel happy. But honestly, I didn’t imagine us getting this far. I thought I’d have messed it up by now for sure. I don’t know why you’re still with me when I have no idea what I’m doing.” Virgil took a step in the direction of the door and Roman saw that he was going to try to bolt.  
  
“I want to be with you. I want to be with you for a long time, a really, really, really long time. I want to be with you as long as you want me. Which I hope is for years and years and years.” Forever. He stayed rooted to his spot even if he wanted to get closer. “You won’t mess up. Virgil, you make me happy too. You can’t mess that up. Just don’t push me away. That’s all you have to do. That's all I ask. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what you’re doing. And look, I’m sorry I didn’t think of that. I should have thought that the reason you’d been acting like this is that you were nervous. Anxious because all this is new. I’m sorry I didn’t think of that.”  
  
“You do realize you’re not a mind reader, right? You said it yourself.” Virgil smirked, he looked more at ease but still not comfortable. Roman carried on.  
  
“Do you want to know what I’m thinking?” Roman finally let himself take another step.  
  
“I… yes. Yes.” Virgil took another step back, he was at the door, back to it, looking at Roman with hope, even if his eyes were still puffy.  
  
“I’m thinking I finally understand, my little anxious fluff ball. I’m thinking that if you never want to tell our friends we’re together, then we don’t have to tell them. If you do, we’ll do it when you’re ready. But just know that if you don’t want to tell them because you think I’m going to break up with you, I won’t. Please, believe me when I say I won’t do that. Ok? I want us to be together, and just because you’re lacking in the experience department, that won’t scare me away. I can only claim experience because I’m Thomas’ romantic side and I’m basically there whenever he goes on dates or what-not. Like yes, I know a little bit more than you, but that means nothing, all relationships are different.” He was only about three feet away now, but he wanted to be closer.  
  
“I’m scared, that I won’t do this right.” The hurt was back on Virgil's face, so Roman took another step.  
  
“There is no right or wrong.” And it was true. They would figure it out together.  
  
“I’ve never been in a relationship. It's not just not doing this often, but ever. No other side.” Roman watched as Virgil hugged himself.  
  
“We’ll go slow, I can teach you. We can go really, really slow. You don’t have to be an expert. I’m not an expert. I’m gonna mess up too, remember, I only have second-hand experience to speak of myself.” He took another step towards the side at the door.  
  
“I’ve never had sex.” Virgil blurted it out like it was a last-ditch, half-hearted attempt at making Roman give up on them.  
  
“Healthy relationships aren’t based only on the physical. We don’t have to ever do anything. And if you want to do it we’ll go slow. Really slow. At your pace. At your time. When you’re ready. Don’t ever worry about that.” He took another step, he was now basically framing Virgil against the wall. He took his face in his hand so that Virgil would look him straight in the eyes. So he’d know he was being as sincere as he could be. He drew his face closer.  
  
“Please don’t kiss me. I've never-I haven't,” He tried to twist his face away but Roman held him, gently but firmly. Virgil’s eyes looked scared, not of him, but of this. The innocence clear in his eyes. It was clear as day that he’d never done anything like this and that drove up his ever-present anxiety to over-the-roof levels. The nerves seemed to be painted in reflective yellow, Roman was surprised he’d never noticed before. Then again, he’d been wrapped up in the hurt of thinking Virgil didn’t want to be with him. Now he couldn’t _not_ see the love there, and the fear of messing up at something he’d never been taught to do.  
  
“Do you trust me?” His thumb soothed his cheek, softly, gently.  
  
“Yes.” Virgil’s lips barely moved. Roman leaned in, but then pulled back a little.  
  
“If you want me to stop, tell me, but other than that, don’t move.” He knew what he wanted to do, but he wanted Virgil to feel comfortable.  
  
“Okay, yeah.” He only breathed the words, and Roman drew closer, closer.  
  
“Remember, don’t move,” Their lips were so close... and suddenly, their noses brushed first. Roman rubbed the tip of his nose back and forth, slowly. Very slowly, dragging his nose from side to side on Virgil’s. It felt oddly intimate. Thrilling, but not overwhelming. He drew back a little only to bring his head down to touch their foreheads together and then pulled back all the way.  
  
“That was...?” Virgil’s eyes were bright, cheeks pink, breathing heavy. He looked happy.  
  
“A kiss,” Roman smirked, caressing his cheek again.  
  
“But, that...” Roman felt warm inside at having left Virgil speechless.  
  
“It's called an eskimo kiss.” His grinned, and Virgil smiled back. That smiled evolved into laughter and Roman couldn’t help but laugh with him.  
  
“I liked it.” Roman’s hand drifted up to ruffle purple and brown hair, Virgil’s hand traveled up to his and Roman let him take it. “Are we good?”  
  
“Yes, lets go, I think we left Anastasia on.” Virgil’s confused face was adorable, and then he seemed to remember. “Let’s go my thin, not-too-clean boy.” Roman moved away and let Virgil move away from the door too.  
  
“Dude, that’s from the musical, not the movie. In the movie, he's the servant boy.” He looked back at him, with a raised brow. “But I’m impressed you know that.”  
  
“I know every Disney song, musical or movie, no matter what.” His neck hurt at watching Virgil’s head spin back to glare at him so fast.  
  
“You didn’t. You did not!” His eyes were angry but in a happy and amused way. “Anastasia is not Disney! Why? Why does everyone say that! I _just_ told you it was my favorite _non-Disney_ princess!” He opened the door and kept going on and on about how Anastasia was not Disney all way to the commons. It was that moment Roman realized he loved him. He loved him...  


* * *

  
  
  
He was drawn out of his overly-vivid memory by Patton calling his name.  
  
“Hey, good, good, you’re back. I got worried for a minute there. You weren’t responding. Are you with me?” Patton’s face was too close to his, but he didn’t care enough to pull back. Patton helped him sit back up, he rubbed his back. Roman felt like he’d fallen asleep, even if he _knew_ he hadn’t fallen asleep, he felt like he was in some kind of dream. Still lost in the past. He wanted to get lost in the past. Like getting lost in a forest, in a forest full of trees; high trees that didn’t move. Like him. He didn’t move, he didn’t want to move. To do anything. He didn’t want to be here, he wanted to go back to the forest of memories.  
  
“Roman, Logan is going to open the portals. Roman?” Roman looked at him. He didn’t care. He didn’t ca-Virgil. He jerked, he still felt like he should be feeling more, his body didn’t really seem to fit him, but he needed to get to Virgil.  
  
“Virgil.” Roman tried to get off the bed, he tried to get off. Patton helped him balance.  
  
“Hey, hey, kiddo, calm down. We’ll get there.” Roman nodded at the words but didn’t really understand what they meant. He just knew he had to get to Virgil. Virgil. He had to get to Virgil.  
  
“Come on. Lets go downstairs.” Roman shook Patton off once he was on his feet. He tried to shake the feeling of sleep. Of numbness. The feeling of emptiness. Blankness. The feeling of not feeling.  
  
Once they were downstairs he saw Logan standing by the couch and he stood in front of him. Waiting until he spoke. He felt like he should feel angry at Logan, but he wasn’t. He just wanted to see Virgil. To make sure he was safe. He felt like he was under water. He needed to breathe but he couldn’t. He needed to resurface but he didn’t care enough to battle the waves. He could stay at the bottom of the ocean, and it wouldn’t matter. The water would probably be cold. It would numb his whole body would be consumed with the sensation of the needle pricks that came with cold water. The waves would wash over him, move his hair. His body would get swept away, moved in the force of the moving water.  
  
“Roman.” He looked up to see Patton’ worried face. He’d dazed off again, he knew he had. He needed to stop, to stop flying away. He wanted to fly and feel the wind. Feel the wind on his body like he could feel it on his hands, in the car, when you have the window down and you stick your hand out and the wind is pressing. Pressing against your arm, no that wasn’t the wind. That was Logan’s hand. He was sitting on the couch not a car.  
  
“Roman.” He looked up at the intellectual side. “Roman, you’re gonna be ok.” Of course he was. He was fine. He didn’t feel anything. Roman saw Logan turn to Patton. “He’s dissociating. He’s gonna be ok, it’s like his brain is fading in and out, like day dreaming. It’s a coping mechanism. He’ll be ok. Give him a few minutes.”  
  
“What about the portal?” Patton was standing in front of them both. His arms crossed, a worried look on his face, eyes fixed on Roman, not looking at Logan at all. That was odd, Patton was always looking at Logan. Just like he was always looking at Virgil. He wanted to see Virgil. But something in him knew he shouldn’t. He wasn’t ready. He was a coward.  
  
“Patton, give me a minute please.” His voice was pleading, “Virgil didn’t want either one of you out there for a reason, and I haven’t felt his presence trying to get in, and I’ll open it if I feel anything but look at Roman, is not fully here.” Roman felt himself wake up a little, not fully, but enough. Enough to understand what was happening better. Enough to know he was the reason Logan didn’t want to open the portal right now.  
  
“Open it, Logan. You should open it.” Roman got up, “I just, no wait. Wait a minute.” He blinked hard, trying to get the foggy feeling out of his mind. “I don’t think I’m ready. I don’t know what to do. My brain, it’s... I don’t know.” Roman gripped his hair tightly. “I don’t want to be like this when we go to Virgil and Thomas.” He saw Logan’s eyes full of sympathy, something he couldn’t feel right now. Something he knew was good but didn’t feel like anything, it felt like- no. No, stay focus. He had to stay focused.  
  
“It’s ok, Roman, it’s normal. This situation has been pretty traumatic for both of you.” Roman noticed Logan’s word choice was off, something was off about what he said. “It’s alright to feel confused, to feel detached. What you’re feeling or not feeling, it’s ok.”  No, it wasn’t, and he was about to protest that, but then they all felt it, a pulse of energy traveled the whole mindscape. Thomas was awake.  
  
“Logan open the portal, it’s ok. I’m ok.” He was starting to feel a bit more aware, like in the morning after a shower, not awake but getting there. Logan nodded, looking unsure, but did as he was told, his eyes closed in concentration. Everything looked the same but Roman could now feel the open energy, the spark of rushing energy that signaled an exit. He stood up ready to sink out but Logan stopped him with a hand on his arm.  
  
“Roman, please. We should wait, please listen to me. He didn’t want you guys there for a reason. Give him a few minutes. Just a few minutes, maybe he needed those few minutes. God knows we do. Just, please wait. Let him come to us on his own terms.” Roman closed his eyes, his mind going back to the memory of that fight.

_“... At your pace. At your time. When you’re ready…”_

Slowly he nodded. His breath coming faster, he could feel himself numbing again, but he tried not to get lost in thought this time. When he opened his eyes Patton had his back to them, but he too hadn’t gone through. They were all scared, or Patton and Logan were. Roman for his part, he just felt empty. So empty.

He should be feeling more shouldn’t he? Was he broken? Was he a monster, too? Did he not care about Virgil? Was he lying every time he said he loved him? No. No, that wasn’t true. He cared. He did. Then why couldn’t he feel more?! He should feel more. He should feel more. He couldn't feel more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this Author's Note has nothing to do with the story, but since I tend to overshare everything, I'm going to tell you guys a little story. 
> 
> In May of 2014, my best friend asked me on the bus if I wanted a pet, to be exact a hermit crab. I said no, not really. Then she told me how her neighbors had a hermit crab, but the kids weren't interested in taking care of it anymore, so the mom didn't care for the hermit crab. She left it without food and water, fresh or salt water. Since she couldn't outright kill it and it wasn't dying fast enough they were trying to get rid of it. 
> 
> I told her yes, I'd take it. I didn't even ask my parents, I was a senior, about to graduate at that time. So the next day the lady drives to my house and gives me this tiny green hermit crab in the tiniest cage ever. She doesn't even tell me his name, or how to take care of it. Nothing. So after explaining to my parents why some random lady just dropped a little critter off at the house without explanation, I was allowed to keep it.
> 
> I named him Forest, because of his green shell.
> 
> I got him a new cage, gave him actual food, he really liked bananas but for some reason wouldn't eat shrimp. Got him salt water. And he grew a little, never enough to change shell, but he grew. 
> 
> If any of you have crabbies, you know they molt. So if I didn't see him move for three or four days I would gently check on him, take away the skin and put him back. 
> 
> On April 5th, 2018, I decided to check on him because I hadn't seen him move in three days. I came to find out, he had passed away. I'm not sure how, or why. He had food, water, in his same spot as always. I don't know why, but he passed away. That threw me off and had a few rough days, I'm still not really ok. I actually tried to deny he was dead, saying he was just molting until my dad told me I had to bury him. He explained that I couldn't keep trying to hold on to him, just like I couldn't keep a human like that. 
> 
> I'm not sure how many of you understand this, I'd had him for almost 4 years. He wasn't a dog, or a cat, or something that comes running when you call it, but he was my baby. He knew my music and came out when I played it. He never pinched me. He made so much noise at night. He knew my voice and hated it when strangers came into my room. I got to know him.
> 
> I buried him yesterday evening in my backyard. 
> 
> And then I started writing this. I was and still am nervous about putting this up because I'm not sure if it breaks the flow of the story. I wanted to write something a little happy, hopeful, and I figured this would be some nice in character backstory, that's how this happened. I think you all deserve a little cuteness and fluff, I sure did. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Thank you to anyone who read this. And all of you waiting so patiently. Thank you. 
> 
> I haven't gotten to the comments on the last chapter, but I will soon. Again thank you, all of you.


	12. Clothes and Soap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings For: Denial, Panic Attacks, Victim Blaming, Sort of Mood Swings.

Virgil felt the energy of the open portal, strangely it was just one, and he let himself be guided to it. He felt his body materialize. He was in the living room, where he normally appears, at the stairs. The others were also in the living room. He immediately felt the need to get out of there, he didn’t want them to see him like this. His eyes were a mess, he was sure, puffy and smeared. His face felt sweaty and was probably red, and he’d gripped his hair a few times so that was probably out of order too. He didn’t want them to see him like this. He felt indecent. His body ached and was sore, the worst part was that even though he knew it wasn’t  _ his  _ body that felt like that, he could still  _ feel  _ it. He had felt everything. He wishes he hadn’t but he had. He didn’t want them to see him like this.

He felt phantom fingers wrapped around his arms, his legs, his hips. He felt phantom lips kissing, licking, biting. He felt everything. Thomas was able to dissociate, the drugs clearing the way, but each time he drifted off, Virgil was thrown into the driver's seat. He was wide awake the whole time, he couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, and couldn’t see too well, but he could feel. He could feel and hear everything. His mind was awake and alert. He wishes he hadn’t been. He wishes he hadn’t been. He didn’t want to feel that man. He could still feel that man on top of him, doing things to hi-Thomas that he didn’t want. He didn’t want it. He could still feel it. He could still feel it but that didn't matter. What mattered was Thomas. He was fine.

His body jerked without his permission, and he found himself blinking a few times. The other three were staring at him. Patton was standing in the middle of the living room in front of the couch. Logan was sitting on the couch his hands gripping his thighs. And Roman, Roman was also on the couch, right next to Logan. He was staring at him but his eyes didn’t seem to actually be looking at him, they looked a little glazed. Virgil watched as Roman closed his eyes, when he opened them again they seemed more aware. Virgil didn’t want him to see him like this.

“Virgil.” Roman broke the silence in the room, he got up and took a couple steps in his direction but Virgil held his hand up in a stopping gesture. Roman stopped moving immediately, a frown adorned his face. Behind him Logan stood, he came to stand next to Roman and put a hand on his shoulder. He looked like he was about to say something but Virgil beat him.

“You need to go help Thomas. He’s not ok.” He wanted to go up the stairs but their stares were pinning him there. He couldn't get his body to go up.

“Virgil.” It was Patton. His voice was soft, and that made Virgil nervous for some reason. He waited for him to continue but Patton just stared at him. Virgil wanted to go to his room. He didn’t want to be here. He didn't want Patton to be disappointed that he couldn't protect Thomas. He didn't want to be here.

“Virgil, did he ask for one of us in specific? Or is there someone in specific that _you_ would rather stay with you?” Logan spoke up when Patton didn't. His words were clear but Virgil didn’t understand. What did he mean "stay" with him? He was fine. He didn’t want to be a bother when Thomas needed them.

“No, he needs all of you. Now, go.” He wanted to go to his room. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted his bed. 

“Virgil, I think I would like to stay with you.” He saw Roman take another step in his direction and that in turn made Virgil take a step up the stairs. Virgil wanted to leave to go to his room but he couldn’t. He wanted them to say it was ok. He needed them to believe he was ok. He wanted them to go to Thomas. Once they went it would be ok.

“No. I’m fine, just go to Thomas. That man… he… Logan, you know. He wasn’t fully awake for it, but he needs you guys. I’m fine.” He wasn’t fine, he felt a little panicked, but that was just Thomas flaring up his anxiety. He, himself, was fine. He had no reason not to be. He wasn’t the one hurt. They needed to understand that. They needed to believe he was fine. They needed to go to Thomas.

“Virgil, do you think it’d be alright with you if Roman and Patton went to Thomas and I stayed with you?” Roman turned to look at Logan, Virgil couldn’t read Roman’s expressing, he wasn’t trying. He really just wanted his room. A shower.

“Why? I told you I’m fine. Now, you guys really need to go out there.” Virgil found himself gripping the white railing and had to tell himself to stop. 

“I still feel lightheaded. Not too well physically. I just don’t think it’d be best if I go out there right now.” Virgil didn’t know what to say so after a few seconds he just nodded. No one moved or said anything for probably a full minute. It made Virgil uncomfortable and his skin itchy. Finally, he saw Patton taking hold of Roman’s arm and dragging him to their usual spots for the videos. 

“If you need anything. Just summon us. Ok kiddo?” Patton told them, looking only at Virgil. He nodded, even though he knew he wouldn’t need anything, Thomas needed them. Not him. He looked at Patton, he couldn’t bring himself to look at Roman, and the prince wasn’t saying anything. After a few seconds, he heard the tale-tell sound of them leaving with a rush of air. He found his eyes drifting to the empty space in front of the television. Maybe he should have said something. He felt guilty at basically kicking Roman out without even a hi or bye. Was Roman mad at him?

He looked at Logan, it was just him and Logan. Logan. Would Logan think he’s being strange? Could he tell Logan what he was thinking? Feeling? Would it be weird? For some reason, he wanted to, maybe Logan would explain why he felt a little off. Was it normal to not want to talk to Roman but want to talk to Logan? Would Logan think he was being unreasonable? Would he say he was acting illogically? He didn’t want Logan to think he was being stupid. Even if he was.

“Can I go to my room?” The words came out in a burst. He knew it was odd, and he didn’t know why, but he asked for permission. He wanted permission. He wanted someone to tell him it was ok to go to his room. He wanted  _ Logan  _ to tell him it was fine. That he wasn’t weird. Logan frowned for a second before his face smoothed out. 

“Of course, do you think a shower would do you well?” He looked calm and Virgil felt the assurance that it was ok, he hadn’t done anything wrong by asking for permission. 

“Yes, can I? Please?” As soon as the words were out he felt embarrassed for some reason. He just needed permission.  He just really needed to know it was ok. He needed to know Logan wouldn’t be angry at him before he left. That he wouldn't think he was an idiot.

“Yes, yes. How can I help? Is there something you need?” Logan didn’t look at him, it felt familiar, the way he was acting distracted. Virgil raked his mind trying to know what would please Logan, trying to figure out what was the correct answer. He didn’t know. Logan would think he was weird. Thankfully the older side spoke up again.

“How about this, would you like to go up and take a warm shower while I make something for you to eat?” Logan was looking at the kitchen distracted and Virgil was so damn glad he wasn’t looking at him.

“Yes, can we do that?” He was nodding, he really wanted to be alone for a little. He needed a moment alone. He knew he was being dramatic and weak and that’s why he wanted to be alone, to regain composure. He didn't want to be dramatic. He wanted a shower, that was it. He was glad Logan was being nice and not calling him out for being weird or for taking away attention from Thomas, who really needed it. 

“Yes, we can do that,” Logan said and started to turn, but then turned back. “Virgil, whatever happened, it wasn’t your fault. You did your best.” Then he turned and walked to the kitchen. Virgil stayed a few minutes clutching the railing, just breathing. Listening to Logan move about.

It was a lie. He knew it was a lie. 

It was his fault. He felt a shiver run through him, he wanted to be good but he  _ knew  _ he wasn’t. That left him feeling sick. Dirty. With that thought, he started up the stairs. Slowly. He felt guilty knowing in a few minutes he would be in the shower because he knew Thomas also wanted to shower. He felt guilt at knowing he would soon be in his room but Thomas was still in that hellhole. He didn’t deserve any of this, and yet he got it, but Thomas who deserved and needed it didn’t. How as that fair? The person who caused harm got a reward but the person harmed had to stay in a dirty basement hurting.

He eventually made it to his room. He started to take his shirt off on his way to his private restroom but he found he couldn’t. He didn’t want to be naked out in the open. So he kept it on while he searched for new clothes. Identical to the ones he had on, the only thing missing was his hoodie. That was ok. He set the clothes on the bed and entered the restroom to find a towel. It was clean. In order. Unlike him. He spotted the towel and turned on the showerhead to hot and for a minute he just stared at the water. The room starting to steam up until he felt like he couldn’t breathe properly. He snapped out of his trance and made his arms move to the end of his shirt.

He started to lift his shirt again but found that, again, he couldn’t. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to. He had to. He took it off, his breathing coming harsher, heavier. He moved his hands to his pants. He needed to take his pants off. Then he could get in the shower and relax. He needed to take his pants off. Slowly he reached down to unbutton himself and bring his zipper down. He gripped the open sides and just gripped them. He just needed to bend down and take it off. With curled toes and clamped fingers, he did. 

He was just in his boxers. No. He wouldn’t take those off. He couldn’t. He was being pathetic. He had to. No. No. No. In a moment of impulse, he entered the shower with his boxers still on. The warm-almost-too-hot water hit his back and started to drip down his body, in a matter of seconds he was soaking. His underwear was wet through and through. He didn’t care. He took the bar of soap and started to rub at his arms. His neck. His stomach. His shoulders. He rubbed and rubbed. Everywhere. His legs. His mouth. His back as best he could. His chest. He rubbed, feeling an odd sense of calm as he did it. His skin felt slimy, parts with tiny bubbles. Parts just white with lather. Other parts just wet because they’d been hit with water. He did it over and over and over. Not hard. He didn’t want to hurt himself. He didn’t want the others thinking he was unstable. Just enough to feel clean. He didn’t. He felt like he was just rubbing the sweat and dirt further into his skin. Like he was contaminating his whole body. 

He became aware that he’d probably spent more time in the shower than he should be. Logan might get worried and come looking for him. He might walk in and see him like the pathetic piece of shit he was. The worthless waste of effort. No. He had to get out of here before Logan came. So he turned off the water and stepped out, wrapping himself in the towel resting on the counter. Where were his clothes? He thought back and could clearly remember setting them on the bed. Why? Why did he do that? He didn’t want to go out there in wet boxers and a towel. He could summon them. He could do that. Yeah. His breathing wasn’t right. He couldn’t breathe. His face was wet. Water was dripping down his hair onto his face, that was it. Nothing more. 

He just had to summon clothes. The clothes he left on the bed. Outside. He could summon them. He couldn’t breathe. He needed his clothes. He was naked. He didn’t want to be naked. He needed clothes. Where were his clothes?! And what was that noise? 

He felt a presence in the restroom and when he saw who it was he screeched. The man, he was in the mindscape. He didn’t want this. He didn’t! He covered his face with the towel and retreated until his back hit the cold wall. The towel was taken from his face and he looked up to see the man, _right there_. He was talking to him. He was going to be mad at him. He was going to say he was being bad. 

“...here. Virgil, I’m here. I’m here. It’s ok. I’m here. It’s Logan. It’s me. Please come back. Please. I’m here. It’s ok. I came...” The man kept saying that softly. Soft; just like his hands had been. For some reason, he also kept repeating Logan’s name, shouting it. No. That wasn’t the man. That was him. That was him screaming Logan’s name.

“Logan! Logan! Logan! Logan! Logan! Please! Logan! Please!” That was him. He could hear himself, but he couldn’t stop himself. He didn’t want Logan to think he was weird, but he needed Logan to save him. Arms tried to wrap themselves around him but he jerked back. “Logan!” He screamed at his friend to come help him. Even if he didn't deserve it. Logan was just downstairs, he had to hear him, and Logan would never just leave him when he needed him. He wouldn't.

“Virgil.” The arms held him tight and the anxious side could only sob. “It’s me. Breathe. I'm here. It’s Logan. I’m here. Please listen to me. Come on Virge, you need to come back. Come on. You need to breathe. It’s me. It’s Logan. I’m Logan. Virgil, please breathe!” Virgil took a gasp of air at the instruction and found himself breathing a familiar scent. A mix of coffee, oranges, and coconut shampoo. Logan. He sobbed and hugged himself to the body. To Logan. Logan had come for him. He came. It took him a few seconds to notice he was only wrapped in a wet towel and wet boxers while hugging his friend. 

“Clothes. I need clothes. I can’t find my clothes. Logan, please.” He was sobbing, he was babbling. He felt magic surround him and suddenly he was fully clothed. His wet hair slowly dripping down his neck and making the shirt he was now wearing stick to his neck and back. His bottom wasn’t wet anymore, instead, he had dry boxers and dry pants on. The clothes helped ground him. He was ashamed. He was being completely ridiculous. He instantly jerked away from Logan, wiping at the still falling tears. He had no right to touch the older side. He had to stay away from him. He didn’t want Logan to find out just how weak and pathetic he was. 

“Virgil, do you know who I am?” Logan didn't move, he didn’t get any closer to him or any farther from him. Virgil nodded. Not trusting his voice. Not trusting himself at all after the scene he’d just caused. The scene he was _still_ causing. Logan was going to think he was crazy and tell the others. Tell Roman he was crazy and then Roman was going to leave him. He wasn’t going to listen to him and he wasn’t going to believe him when he said he wasn’t crazy. Patton was going to be disappointed and finally realize he wasn't worth all the effort. 

“Virgil, do you want to stay here or go downstairs?” Virgil looked at Logan when he spoke, it broke him out of his dark thoughts. And that's when he noticed the eyeshadow under the other's eyes, he saw the way Logan was starting to slowly shake, his hands picking at the tiles. “Virgil?” One of Logan’s hands traveled to his own neck. The intellectual side was clearly on edge. The room was affecting him.

“You can go downstairs. I’ll be down there in a second. I’m fine, Thomas was probably scared and it set me off. I’m fine.” Virgil stood up to prove he was fine; eyes still watery, voice still shaky, nose still sniffling. He felt his lower back throbbing. His body was sore still, but he couldn’t let Logan know that. He was fine. 

“I can wait for you. If you want.” Logan slowly stood up, his hands were shaking, the eyeshadow was darker. He had to get out.

“Can I please meet you downstairs? I said I was fine. You believe me right?” Logan’s eyes shifted to the shower for a second and then back to him. Virgil was afraid he wouldn’t believe him. He was afraid that Logan would want to stay. He was fine. He didn’t need Logan to worry. What happened was probably just Thomas, it wasn’t him. It was fine. 

“Ok, Virge. I’ll be right downstairs. If you need anything just call me.” The blue side waited until he nodded. “And Virgil, whatever happened, know it wasn’t your fault.” It was, but he didn't think Logan would appreciate being told he was wrong. By the time Logan left the room, his eyeshadow was way too dark. Virgil sighed. What was wrong with him? He'd just put Logan in danger for acting so stupid. He was fine. He looked at himself in the mirror, he didn’t look fine. He was, though; he had no reason _not_ to be fine. He had no _right_ to not be fine. This was all his fault to begin with. It was _all_ his fault. He hugged himself, feeling cold without his hoodie. He didn't deserve any sort of comfort. It was all his fault, and he had to stop acting like he was a victim. It didn’t happen to him. It happened to Thomas. Not him. He was fine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: First I want to say thank you, all of you for your support for what I've been going through. Thank you for your understanding and messages that helped so much. Thank you.
> 
> Second. I want to explain before I get questioned, no I'm not trying to pair Logan and Virgil. Virgil is clinging to Logan for support as a friend would. In this case, I think it's a little deeper than that. Roman is Virgil's romantic partner, and Patton is his best friend but he's also sort of like his Dad. Many victims don't necessarily want to go to their lovers or dad/parents after they've suffered such a bad experience.
> 
> I see Logan as the second oldest, and sort of Mom of the group. The reasonable one that looks after everyone's physical needs, while Patton is the one that would give you ice cream for breakfast fun-dad type that will sit with you helping you through a break-up. Not only that, but Logan and Virgil make a good pair and balance each other out, from his gift to him and after their debate, you can tell he knows him well. Virgil calls him buddy and it looks like he has this I-got-your-back-man type connection to him when he explains things. I hope that makes sense to you all.
> 
> And finally, it's halfway through April and those of you who have read some of my previous author's notes know I work at a school, and if you didn't know, now you know! So anyway, I work at a high school and graduation is fast approaching, making everyone's lives miserable. So I'm officially changing my 1-2 day update schedule to 2-3 days. And as a warning, I'll probably go missing a week or so on graduation week. I'll let you guys know when we get closer to that date.
> 
> If you read that whole note, you are amazingly patient! Thank you for being here and I hope you enjoyed this. If you didn't let me know how to improve!


	13. Orange. Juice. Eggs.

Logan had never felt so scared and useless in his entire existence. He stood outside Virgil’s door, leaning against the wall with hands covering his face, trying to regain something,  _ anything _ , resembling composure. His shirt was wet, both from Virgil’s hair and tears; it clung to his chest, right above his heart, and made him feel sticky. Inadequate. Uncomfortable. He couldn’t quite understand his need to use magic on it. Not for something as mundane as drying a shirt, he knew it would dry soon, yet he did. 

To say he was unnerved by what had just happened was an understatement. He wasn’t unnerved, he was frightened. To see Virgil so scared, so absolutely out of his mind in fear and pain. To see him calling his name so desperately, while at the same time being _so_ _afraid_ of him; it frightened him. He knew it was due to the lack of recognition, he _knew_ that. He knew Virgil wasn’t seeing _him_ when he’d first walked in, yet, the way he flinched and jerked away had also hurt. It _hurt_. 

He walked down the hall and stairs, he kept an ear out for any strange noises upstairs. He reached the kitchen and looked at the mess of orange juice on the floor and the burning egg on the stove. He took a rag and set to drying the floor, making a mental note to make sure to mop later. After that was clean and the cup was rinsed, he started to make a new batch of egg, knowing Virgil didn’t really like them overcooked. He decided he’d just eat those ones himself. They weren’t  _ bad _ , he just didn’t really  _ like  _ them like that either, but  _ someone  _ had to eat them, right? 

He’d been downstairs, pouring juice into a cup when he heard the first bone-chilling scream. That scream had a shape, a form. It was his name. He dropped the carton and didn’t even think about removing the pan from the off-but-still-way-too-hot surface. He raced up the stairs, once again hearing his name screamed from the last room on the hall. He entered as fast as he could and paid no mind to the strong shift in magic that came upon entering Virgil’s and Patton’s rooms. He looked around, panting, searching. He saw no one, nothing. 

“Virge?!” Where was he? Oh, God. Where was he?! He opened the closet, nothing. “Virgil!” Another scream came from the door opposite the entrance, he guessed it was the private restroom, not unlike the one in his room. He threw the door open, not sure what he expected, but he was sure it wasn’t the youngest side on the floor in a puddle with a towel wrapped around himself. He seemed to be looking for something, his eyes eventually landed on him at the door. 

Virgil, honest to God, screeched in pure fear. Then proceeded to shout his name, making it obvious that he wasn’t fully aware of where he was or who Logan was. When Logan took a step in Virgil full-body flinched away from him and slammed himself against the wall between the toilet and shower. The boy shoved the towel above his head as if it were a protective barrier. It reminded him of how Roman used to do that with a blanket when he was younger and got scared. 

It took no more than a few seconds for Logan to become concerned for his breathing, he moved to take the towel off his face and tried wrapping it once more around the crying side’s shoulders. All the while he kept trying to reassure the younger side that he was ok, that everything was alright.  Telling him it was him. He kept pleading with him to come back to the present. His name rang out again in that scared and pleading scream, along with various pleas. He was trying to comfort the other side but was unable to. He didn’t know what to do or how to do it so he just kept saying that he was Logan and that he was here. He was Logan, and he was here. He was Logan, and he was here. He wasn’t whoever he was seeing, they weren’t real. He was Logan and he was  _ here _ .  _ Please _ . He was  _ Logan _ . 

Eventually, he couldn’t take it anymore and he wrapped his arms around the trembling body. Virgil struggled, trying to make Logan let him go, he pleaded with him. He  _ screamed  _ for him. Repeatedly asking him not to.  _ Please no, please don’t _ . Logan couldn’t bring himself to let go of him, and he hugged him tightly to his chest, trying to ground him. Whispering soothing words in his ear, mixed with commands to breathe, to  _ please _ just take a breath.  _ One single breath _ . Words of reassurance. The tears slowed down until Virgil finally seemed to recognize him a bit. Virgil molded himself onto his body, crying and hugging him tightly. All Logan could do was hold him.  

Then the other side asked for clothes. Logan realized Virgil was just in wet boxers and a wet towel. That was probably what he’d been looking for, clothes. He knew it was about more than just clothes, but he said nothing as he took his magic, thought hard on what Virgil’s clothes normal clothes looked like, and conjured them on his body. He could only hope this would help Virgil, wake him up fully, and it did. After only a few seconds he got shoved away. He let go this time. His heart clenching, hurt, but it was a reasonable action. 

He tried to stay with Virgil, once he stated he wasn’t ready to go downstairs yet, but he knew Virgil could see through him. The effects of the room were getting to him and Virgil didn’t want him there. He wasn’t about to force his presence, or anything unwanted, on the darker side. Especially in the state he was in. So, he knew he had to leave, not only because he was unwanted, but also because he knew the longer he stayed in the room, the more probable he’d act out of character and just on impulse. It was hard enough already to try to phrase his questions correctly and filter his words when speaking to Virgil with a clear mind, he couldn’t imagine doing it without being completely in control of his thoughts.

So he left, and now he was just sitting on the dining table, alone with his thoughts. His observations.

Earlier, he’d noticed that Virgil seemed to really want to please, to make sure he wasn’t doing anything “wrong”. He’d even asked for permission to go to his room, which he’d never done before. He knew Virgil was not in a good spot at the moment, anyone could see that, but this had just been so terrifying to watch. He wasn’t prepared for it. The worst part was probably watching Virgil trying to deny anything was wrong, trying to pretend everything was alright. It wasn’t.

Logan remembers reading once that after… rape, the first step to recovery is called the acute stage. Victims in this stage, many at least, show signs of denial, mood swings (including but not limited to: lashing out, crying, laughing without reason, and spacing out), that’s without counting phobias and other physiological responses. They are also still experiencing the physical after-effect of the… abuse.  Hurting, sore, bleeding, etc. Many times they show signs of not understanding that the event is over, and in this case, Logan had a feeling that it truly wasn’t over yet. 

Logan also remembers that sometimes at this point the victim might try to “misbehave”, to try to cause trouble or push boundaries with people close to them to “test” them. Subconsciously, many victims want to make sure their caretaker is an adequate provider. They want to make sure that they will be believed, that they will be looked after, that they would be listened to. Mostly, they want to know if they will be punished. They want to check if they will be hurt again. If the person that is supposed to be taking care of them will lash out and respond with violence as well if they “misstep”. They want to know if they will be blamed. If someone else is trying to control them. They need free choice on everything. 

Or they might go to the other end of the spectrum, they might try to be “perfect”. Stemming from the same fear of the possibility of being punished or hurt for being “bad”, many victims do whatever they are asked to do, no questions asked. They try to please their caretaker or try to respond in ways that they think the other wants them to. That could range from denying they were hurt so as to not be a “bother’ to engaging in sexual activities without wanting to just to give the other person what they whatever they want, which is really not what they need. Many did all this just to feel validated that they weren’t “useless” or “worthless”. In this case, the best thing to help was to give them options they can freely choose from because too much liberty would scare them because they wouldn’t know what was “right”. 

That was why he was being so careful with every word he said because from what he could tell, it seemed Virgil was in the second category, he seemed to want to be “good”. It scared Logan so much because he could say something he wasn’t supposed to at any moment. Every time he spoke there was a chance of him saying the wrong thing and hurting Virgil more. If that happened, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. He was already afraid he might have inadvertently pushed him into taking a shower without him wanting it. Again, many victims at this stage would do or say anything to please others. To make sure they won’t be punished.

On top of that, something else he’d noticed was that it seemed Virgil was going to keep quiet about what happened out there. He hadn’t said anything except that Thomas wasn’t alright, basically confirming that the… rape happened. Besides that, he kept saying he was “fine”. He wasn’t. 

That got Logan wondering how Thomas was holding up and how he would deal with his coping. Given that studies also showed some victims went to the other extreme of oversharing without reserve all the details of the experience. Laughing and acting happy even, even if it was clear they were hurting. Logan wasn’t sure he’d made the right choice by staying, but he hoped he had. In the past, Thomas had been very open for the most part, at least to his sides, about when he was hurting both physically or emotionally. His reactions often included wanting to be held, wanting someone to talk to him. Maybe even say a couple jokes. Someone who would try to get his mind off the bad. That’s why he’d sent Roman and Patton, they would be able to fulfill that need, even if it took some effort because they, themselves, also needed comfort. A different type of comfort than what Virgil needed and what Logan could provide. He hoped he wasn’t wrong. 

Sometimes he wished he didn’t have to be the one to make these sort of decisions for everyone. He wished someone else would take charge, but he also knew it had to be him; and, even if it didn’t have to be him, it was the least he could do after abandoning both Virgil and Thomas in the first place. He was often referred to as the least emotional of the group; it made sense, logically, that he have to be the one to keep a cool and level head in these types of situations. He hadn’t. He’d panicked. Those were the things that were bothering him.

Why did he feel so bad? So alone? Why did it hurt so much every time Virgil flinched away? Why did he want to cry when he remembered how Patton’s faced had looked when he found out he had left the others? Why did he actually cry when Patton had yelled at him that he hated him? Why was he so shaken when Roman wasn’t responding? Or when he heard Thomas screaming? It made no sense. 

It was probably just everyone else’s emotions bothering him. He was the only non-emotion based one. Maybe they could all project feeling, like Patton, and they just didn’t know. Yeah, that had to be it. He ignored the back part of his mind that told him that made no sense. He was going to ignore that part of his brain and the part making him… feel. It would all work out in the end. As soon as they got out of here.

He’d lost count of how long he’d been sitting at the table with eggs on plates that were going cold and orange juice that was going warm. He didn’t want to invade Virgil’s privacy but he felt like he had to go check on him. He decided it had been long enough that the younger side had been upstairs and it was valid for him to go check on him. He went up the stairs and knocked on the door. 

“Virgil?” Logan listened closely, no response. “Virgil? Can I come in? It’s ok if not, I just haven't heard from you for a while and want to make sure you’re still alright.” Nothing. “Virgil? If you need a little more time alone could you let me know, a simple yes would be enough, it’s ok if you do. I just need to know.” No movement, no sound, no shuffling. “Virgil, I’m sorry, but I have to come in. Ok? I’m coming in, in 3… 2… 1.”

When he opened the door he saw no one. Not on the bed, not just standing there. He made his way to the restroom, the door was closed but he could see the light was on from underneath the door crack. That made him get even more worried, maybe Virgil was having another episode in there. Alone. 

“Virgil, I’m coming in. If you don’t want me to now is the time to say something.” Nothing. He opened the door, but there was no one there. Logan felt a chill run down his spine. The boy wasn’t in his room, and he definitely wasn’t downstairs. He was running out the door before he even realized it. He reached Roman’s room and threw the door open, he looked under the bed, the closet, the restroom. Then Patton’s, then his. Where was he? Where could he be? His stomach was dropping more and more with each empty room he found. 

“Virgil!” He was at a lost. He couldn’t lose him!

“Logan! Logan! Help me!” The scream set him off to the living room, it took him a couple seconds to realize that it wasn’t Virgil’s voice. He spotted Patton on the floor where his usual video spot was. For a moment it looked like he was choking, his hand gripping his throat. When he tried to get closer he was stopped by a hand. Patton looked bad, and that only set Logan more on edge. Patton gasped and beat him before he was able to say anything.

“You have to get him out of there! You have to get him out of there!” Patton was almost hysterical, trying to catch his breath. Before Logan could ask who was  _ him _ , Patton continued. “Thomas! He-he called on Virgil! This man came in and-and he panicked. He completely panicked and then Virgil was there! I don’t think Thomas meant to, but the- but the, everything he got too anxious and it brought Virgil through! I don’t know! I don’t know! I didn’t know what to do!” 

“Patt-” Logan was cut off. 

“I don’t think he was the one who… the man. I don’t think. I don’t know! But I refused to leave, Roman, Roman didn’t want to leave. And Virgil, he just, he just transferred me! And now I can’t get back! Thomas is probably trying to block off his emotions! I can’t get back! He’s blocking me! I can’t get back! I need to go back! Or you! You have to go get him! You have to get him out of there! Logan get him out! He can’t stay there! The man was doing this thing with the food, you have to get him out!” 

Patton was crying uncontrollably. The sobs wrecking his whole body. Logan wanted to hug him like he had Virgil, but he didn’t dare try to get closer. Patton didn’t want him. His mind briefly reminded him of the pot incident. He didn’t have time for this he had to get out there and try to help. 

“Patton, where’s Roman? I need to know wh-”

“He’s out there, he was trying to convince him to come back. He was saying he could stay in his place so Thomas wouldn’t be alone, but then Virgil was screaming saying he couldn’t stay. Then he turned on me and suddenly I was here. Do something! Logan please, get him out! He can’t do that again!” Patton was hugging himself, one arm around his throat and the other around his stomach, trying to keep himself together but clearly having no luck.

Logan got to his spot as fast as he could and sunk unto the physical world. He wasn’t even done rising in the basement when he heard the screams from the other two sides. He looked at Thomas who was on the bed, he had tears in his eyes, there was a man on the bed with him who was holding a plate of food. He faintly recognized him from the encounter on the sidewalk. Thomas was choking and Logan was reminded of Patton when he found him in the mindscape, he couldn’t see the reason why he was choking but he suspected it had something to do with the food on the plate the man was holding. Logan caught movement from beside him and noticed there was another man leaning on the wall, he also seemed familiar, he was just watching Thomas and the other man. Logan didn’t like the look in his eyes, but he was distracted by the screams.

“You have to go!” Virgil was pushing at Roman, who was trying to keep his balance.

“No, I’m not leaving you! I can’t!” Roman had Virgil’s sleeves in a tight grasp. 

“Roman, go!” That seemed louder, the voice wet and filled with pain, Virgil was crying. Logan moved to them, trying to get them separated, but they both held onto each other; Virgil in an attempt to get Roman to understand and Roman’s in fear and reluctance to let go. Eventually, he got in between them and they were separated, he had one clung on each side of him. Meanwhile, he tried to ignore the cries of fear and choking sounds coming from Thomas, he had to get this done first. He had to. He’d help Thomas in a minute.

“Logan, make him go! Get him out! I don’t have enough energy yet to-” Virgil was looking at him with big red eyes, pleading. 

“I can’t leave you, Virgil! I won’t!.” Roman interrupted and was pulling at his shirt, trying to get close to Virgil again. The choking sounds were getting worse, but Logan didn’t dare look back. He couldn’t. 

“Roman! Listen to me! Romance can’t be here!  _ Love  _ can’t be here! You have to get out of here!” Suddenly, just like that, Logan found truth in Virgil’s words and it became clear: Roman couldn’t be here. Everything became so much more complicated. So much worse. He turned to Roman and grasped his face to force him to look at him. 

“You have to leave! Now! Get out, Roman!” He was probably harsher than he meant to be but he had to get his recently discovered point across. 

“No! I’m not leaving you! Him! Any of you!” Roman cried harder, desperate. 

“No, listen to m-” Logan’s words got cut off by Virgil. 

“Stop! Stop! You promised! You’d said if I said stop you’d listen! Please, stop!” Virgil moved around Logan to reach Roman. He took the Prince’s white shirt in his grasp and took a couple steps away from the logical side. “If you love me, go.” That was whispered, Logan was 100% sure he wasn’t supposed to have heard that. He watched Roman’s entire face crumble, his whole body sagged. Logan felt like he shouldn’t be witnessing this, the sounds behind them certainly weren’t helping his unease. He was a coward.  

“Virgil, no. No, please don’t make me. Please don’t make me leave you. No…” Roman took Virgil’s face in his hands, his own head shaking and Logan turned away. It was too late by the time he realized that turning away brought his eyes to rest directly on the bed. Whispers of ‘ _ You have to, you have to, you have to’ _ ringing out behind him., but he wasn’t listening anymore. He couldn’t hear any of it, because he was too busy looking at Thomas, their eyes locked on each other. There were tears falling down the human’s cheeks. Thomas was choking. Trying to breathe. Trying to breathe through the three fingers shoved down his throat. Logan suddenly couldn’t breathe either, he was choking. His eyes were watering, he was panicking. He couldn’t do anything, couldn’t move or speak or  _ breathe _ . Thomas closed his eyes, but Logan couldn’t look away. It was like his whole body had shut down and all he could feel were fingers in his own throat. His gag instinct kicking in, matching the sounds coming from the bed. He fell to his knees.

He felt hands rest on his shoulder and he flinched away, scrambling in both in surprise and sudden irrational fear. Virgil was there and it took him a second to notice Roman wasn’t. His face felt itchy with tears, but thankfully he couldn’t feel the man’s fingers anymore. He felt a cold shiver envelop him. He was still choking, on his sobs and tears. This was worse, so much worse than what he thought it was like. He was shaking. He was supposed to be the put together one, to be the one helping Virgil. 

“Get out, go back. Please. Don’t make me fight you too.” Virgil looked so young, so scared, eyes wide in fear and filled with tears, trembling hands resting on his throat. He looked so fragile, and he still didn’t have his hoodie. Logan looked at Thomas, the human was also crying, it looked like he might be screaming if he were able to. If he weren’t gagging and heaving, all with the fingers still shoved in his mouth. Fearful whimpers and whines were the dominant sounds in the room. He turned back to Virgil.

“I can’t do that. I can’t leave you both again. Not again. Not again. I can’t-I can’t do that to you again. Don’t make me. I can’t.” His voice broke, he was breaking apart. Then he felt himself being wrapped in cold arms as Virgil knelt next to him, and he felt warmed by the contact. This was wrong. Wrong. Wrong. He should be trying to comfort Virgil not the other way around. This was wrong. 

“You have to, please, be strong for them. Thomas doesn’t need to vividly remember this. He doesn’t need you here. The others do. Please, Logan, go. Go to Patton, help Roman.” Logan couldn’t help himself from thinking that Patton will hate him if he leaves. Forever. He already does, but if he leaves Thomas and Virgil again, that will kill any future they could have had together. He couldn’t help but think that Roman would never look at him the same. Or think about how he’d hate himself, he would never forgive himself. he couldn’t help but think about how Virgil would probably grow to resent him and how Thomas would feel abandoned. He couldn’t. He couldn’t. He couldn’t. He was selfish.

Then his thoughts went somewhere else.

“Is that what you felt last time?” He couldn’t help himself. He had no control over himself.

“Please, you don’t need to be here, to feel this. Please, please, please, I’m begging you. Logan, you need to go now.” Virgil finally drew apart, he ignored the question as he pulled away to look him in the eye. 

“Virgi-” Logan tried to pull him back in, but Virgil didn’t let him. 

“I won’t be able to get through this knowing you stayed because of me. I don’t want you to feel that, I don’t want you to see me or Thomas like that. Please go.” Virgil’s face was so serious, so honest, so open. It looked wrong, this was all wrong. 

“No, no, no, no, no, no. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry. No, please, forgive me, I’m sorry.” He couldn’t stop. Virgil brought him to his feet. 

“There’s nothing to forgive. Now, go. I need you to. They need you.” Logan pulled him in and hugged him tight, nodding. That was the last thing he felt when he sunk out, at least that’s what he told himself so that he could ignore the feeling of fingers getting shoved back down his throat. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, someone asked me about the "thin, not-too-clean boy" part in chapter 11. That comes from a line in the song called "In A Crowd Of Thousands" from the Broadway musical Anastasia. I really recommend listening to it if you haven't yet or watching the animated film if you haven't. 
> 
> Second, as many of you know, my laptop broke this week, that's why this update is super late. So I've decided I'm not going to talk about when I might update anymore because every time I do for some reason or another I can't keep my schedule. 
> 
> Also, funny story on Tuesday, my entire district had no internet at school. We couldn't do anything. We couldn't send emails, look up kids, teachers couldn't grade things. It was super funny. We couldn't fax, scan, print wirelessly. It was awful at the time but now looking up it was hilarious. Teachers were lost. The administrators were almost in tears. The kids were enjoying it because their phones could work if they weren't connected to the internet and most teachers were showing movies because they couldn't do much else.
> 
> Friday we had the student walkout. The principals were super supportive of the kids and it went great. So if you participated and didn't make it hard on the people monitoring, thank you. The administration kept checking in on the students on how they could help in the days leading up to the walkout. They promoted voter registration, they provided food in the morning. The students felt supported and the administrators felt useful in their support. It was honestly nice seeing adults support the youth like this. 
> 
> But anyway, that's a small look into my week. I hope you guys enjoy the chapter. This took some research and I learned a lot more than what I already knew while writing about sexual assault victims. I also discovered that my original draft has flown out the window. Thank you, everyone, for reading. Stay safe.


	14. Bedsheets. Floors. Walls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... sorry? I know this one took a while. I know I mentioned Graduation in one of my previous notes, but I didn't think it would be that bad, all the sudden it was there, like way earlier than I expected and taking all my energy away. After hours and hours of hard work, however, we had a big class of 2018 go through the stage and get their diplomas. It was great. 
> 
> I want to warn you, this one is slightly more graphic than the last non-con scene I wrote. Still hopefully not too much, but I want to warn you. 
> 
> More notes at the end.

His lower back hurt. His chest hurt. His eyes hurt. His head hurt. His bottom hurt. His  _ bottom  _ shouldn’t hurt. It shouldn’t hurt  _ there _ . Thomas cried out, hugging the dirty blanket around his naked body. He was cold and scared. He was dirty. He  _ felt  _ dirty. He tried to hid himself in the sheet, covering everything he could. Wrapping it tightly around his body offered a very small sense of safety in his distraught state, but he would take anything he could.

Virgil couldn’t even be near him, he’d left. Thomas couldn’t blame the side for not wanting to be there, he was a disappointment. He got himself kidnapped and-and-and... A sob broke out, he covered his mouth with his hands to try to stay at least a little bit quiet, he hadn’t been quiet before but he didn’t want to draw the attention of the people who brought him here in the first place. His mind felt a little slow, but gradually he could feel his body waking up, becoming more alert. A small part of his mind told him that he was going through the last tiny bit of after-effects the drug caused. The pill he’d swallowed. 

He should have made himself vomit to get it out as soon as the man had walked out. He hadn’t even tried to do anything, he’d just laid there. He ignored the part of him that reminded him that he’d been tied at that point. The part telling him he might have even died choking on his own vomit. The part telling him that he'd been in shock. Still, that would have been better than...

He wasn’t tied now. 

He sat up suddenly, the movement causing all of his muscles to protest and he was reminded of all the places that were sore. The places that  _ shouldn’t  _ be sore. He wrapped the blanket around himself as a makeshift toga gripping it in his hands tighter than he really should, his hands cramping a little. He just didn’t want it to fall off. What if it fell off and he was exposed? He didn’t want anyone seeing him like that. He didn’t want  _ them  _ seeing him like that. He gripped even tighter, pulling himself closer to his chest as he walked to the door. Slowly. 

He didn’t really expect it to be unlocked, yet, that didn’t stop the crushing disappointment he felt when the doorknob didn’t budge. He tried it again, rattling it a little. A chocked sound left his throat without permission, and then another, and another; until he was crying loudly banging on the door. He couldn’t see with the flood of tears falling from his eyes and his palm hurt from the force of the impacts it made against the door. A part of him told him to be quiet, to not call attention to himself. Most of him didn’t care. What more could they do? He wanted their attention so that they would let him go, even if he knew that’s not how it would go.

“Please! Please! Let me out! Let me out! I-I-I don’t want to be here! Please! I don’t! I want to go h-” He heard a familiar noise behind himself and he turned, looking up at the two figures standing in front of him. He didn’t realize he was curled on the floor against the door until that very moment. He saw the look of shock and then hurt that passed Patton’s face. He saw Roman’s momentarily blank stare that changed into recognition and then worry. “Patton? Ro-Roman?”

“Oh… Thomas, kiddo…” Thomas stood up, it took him a moment to realize that Patton and Roman were really there. He hadn’t seen them since that morning before the walk… Wait, was it still the same day? His internal clock was broken. More than his internal clock was broken.

“Change.” The word came out rushed and raspy and with no explanation, but he didn’t take it back. He knew what he wanted. He slowly stood up with the help of the door. 

“Thomas?” Patton looked confused, which wasn’t unreasonable considering the lack of explanation. 

“Change. Shift now! Please! I need- I need… Like this, we can’t. I need-” Thomas squeezed himself a little, to try to find any sort of comfort anywhere he could. Thomas saw the moment that understanding flickered through Patton’s face. A second later Talyn’s form was standing in front of him, in a cat hoodie, khakis, and blue shirt that were unmistakable. Any sort of self-control broke as he walked as fast as he could to Patton, who just opened his arms and wrapped him in a hug. Talyn’s form was tiny but Thomas felt smaller, still. He cried. He hugged himself to Patton and just let himself be guided and seated on the bed all the while clutching the blue shirt, afraid if he let go or loosened his grip that Patton would be gone. 

“It’s ok, it’s going to be ok Kiddo. I’ve got you. You can let it out. It’s ok.” It was Talyn’s hand that soothed his hair, but it still felt like Patton. Hands rubbed his back. Arms hugged him tightly. Love. 

“It hurts. Patton, it hurts. He-he… I can’t remember all of it but he, but I know he-he...he hurt. It hurts. Patton! It hurts!” He pushed himself away a little to look at Patton’s face but the arms just hugged him tighter. 

“I know. I know, sweetheart. I know. It’s going to be ok.” Patton’s voice sounded off, but his hand was back to soothing his hair and Thomas buried his face further in Patton’s chest, trying to hide from everything. 

“Make it stop, please. Patton, please make it stop. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.” Thomas was wailing, but as he kept repeating the words, he realized he wasn’t talking about his body. It was his chest. His heart. Yes, there were some parts of his body that were in discomfort. Sore, a little tender sort-to-speak. However, there was no sting, there was no blood on the sheets. He wasn’t in actual  _ physical  _ pain.

The emotional pain, however, was so much that he felt a deep throb in his chest. He just wanted to claw it out. He knew what had happened. Yet, he didn’t know how it happened. He had a vague memory of someone on top. Of a rhythmic force on his body. Of feeling sweaty and hot. That was it. That terrified him. Not knowing what happened to his body, while still having proof that something  _ had  _ happened. Knowing what that  _ something  _ entitled. The deep-rooted fear that it might happen again. That it more-than-probably  _ would  _ happen again.

“I can’t take the pain away, sweetie. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. But I can hold you. Is that ok?” Thomas nodded at Patton’s words, that’s all he wanted: someone to hold him. Someone to not hurt him. Someone to tell him what happened. He needed to know what had happened because his imagination was running wild on everything that could have happened. That made him feel sick.

“I can’t remember. I can’t remember. Why can’t I remember? I need to remember!” He was in hysterics. “It hurts and I can’t remember! I want to remember! What happened?!” He jerked himself out of Patton’s arms and crawled back away with his hand tearing at the roots of his hair. Looking at the paternal figure, he saw deep pain painted all over Talyn’s face. The eyes were red and cheeks wet with still falling tears, lashes sticking together. Patton was hurting. Thomas was the reason Patton was hurting. This was all his fault. This was his fault. He raised his hand to muffle the hysterical cries of pain burning his throat.

“It’s going to be ok Thomas. Hey, listen to us, it’s going to be ok.” He looked at Roman, the creative side was close, he wasn’t in his body anymore either. Looking back at him was Valerie. Hair, short and dark-chocolate;  lips, dry with raspberry lipstick; and coffee-colored eyes, warm and shiny. Shiny with unshed tears. The illusion was broken by the clothes, familiar clothes that he’d worn for many videos and clips, clothes slightly too big on her frame. He was soon reaching for Roman who came to him easily, enveloping him in smooth arms. 

The tears hadn’t stopped, but he felt marginally better with two of his friends here, or rather, two of his sides. He tried to get his breathing under control and he could hear, faintly, Roman counting:  

_ "1, 2, 3, 4... _

_ "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... _

_ "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 _ ...

Repeat. 

While it wasn't quite helping with the breathing, he was far too scared and panicked for that, it did feel nice to just listen to Valerie’s voice. He felt the slow shift as Roman swayed a little as he stopped counting and started to hum and rock softly.

Eventually, he found himself resting his head on Roman’s legs, hands patting his hair as he stared unblinkingly at the plain cement wall in front of him. It had many chips and dips and altogether looked old and used, but also smooth. Thomas sort of wanted to rub his hands over the surface, and he would have, but it was probably cold too and that thought stopped all other thought of touching it. He was already too cold in this place, in this thin blanket, he didn’t need to add to the cold. 

“Thomas?” Valerie’s voice broke his thoughts, he always loved her voice., he wanted to hear her sing again, he decided. In whatever musical she was going to do next. He wanted to see her perform again. He wanted to see Talyn again. He could see Patton in their form in his peripheral vision sitting on the floor. Thomas knew he was watching him but he didn’t want to look at him. He still felt way too open after his slight break down. He felt ashamed. The hand in his hair stopped threading and patting. After a moment, he shifted slightly to try to get it to resume again but it didn’t. 

“Thomas?” It was Roman again.

He blinked. 

He shifted his neck slightly to look up at his creative side, he mostly didn’t want to. He didn’t want to see his friend’s face in a place like this, but he should, Roman wouldn’t appreciate being ignored for a wall. “Hm?”

“Do you want to talk about it? I know...” The legs under his head shifted and he knew Roman was having a hard time with words. “Look, I know Pat and I are not actually Valerie, or Talyn, or your mom, or your dad. I know. But it’s-for the most part- in the past, it's helped you to talk things out with us. So... I don’t know. I just know it’s not good to... blank out.” Roman’s voice was quiet, soft, everything it usually wasn’t.

“Yeah, Kiddo.” Tiny hands grabbed his and his first instinct was to want them gone. Off. _Off_! Then, the feeling passed and he recognized the hands were soothing, not trapping. He gripped them tighter. He might not want to be touched, necessarily, but he wanted, no, he _needed_ the comfort. And, wasn’t that confusing? “Do you want to tell us what happened? Talk through it? I’ve heard it helps some people. Even if you can't remember all of it.”

“I can’t.” His throat was dry and his voice sounded strange. He briefly wondered how long it had been since he’d had anything to drink, that couldn’t be good for his vocal cords. He couldn’t remember; but, then again he couldn’t remember many things lately. 

“That’s alright, if you don’t want to right now we can-”

“I said can’t,” he stopped Roman before he got any further on that. “Not _won’t_.” Sitting up he looked at him straight on. “I don’t remember, I can’t remember. I just can’t, any of it, I-I-I don’t want to, I need to, I can’t, I can’t. I-I-I-” He could hear his breathing fall out of rhythm, his heart start to beat faster.

“Hey, hey, hey, Thomas, look at me.” Patton sat on the bed and pulled him close, rubbing his back through the thin sheet covering it, trying to calm him. “We don’t have to talk about the... about what he did to you. You can tell us anything. How you feel, what we can do to help. How you, well what happened on the sidewalk. Anything about the situation, or before, like the walk. How was the walk? Did you see any cool birds? Hm?”

Patton was trying; he really was. It made Thomas feel awful that, no, he didn’t want to talk about how he felt; or, how he got kidnapped on that sidewalk; and, least of all about that god-awful walk that landed him in this situation to begin with!

However, he did want one thing. “Could you just,” he wanted to feel safe in Patton’s arms; in Roman’s arms; in Virgil’s; in Logan’s. He opened his arms hoping that was enough information. It was. Soon, small thin arms were wrapping around him, tight, strong, warm. Safe. 

When he finally let go he was sandwiched by his two more emotional sides, between both of them he felt slightly better. That was short-lived; cut and ruined the second the door opened. Two men that he recognized from the incident on the sidewalk walked in. One of them looked upset, he had a plate of fruit in one hand and a water bottle in the other. Thomas felt himself tense in fear. His shoulders hunched and he ducked his neck into his left side in a defensive gesture. Roman was standing in an instant, sword drawn and aimed. Patton had shifted so that he was blocking Thomas’ view of the second man who looked bored and was leaning against the wall. While he appreciated their protectiveness and defense, he knew it was for nothing, they were not in solid form here, not only that but outside his home they weren’t even visible to anyone, here they were only in his head. 

He was, essentially, alone with these two, probably, dangerous men. He shrunk even further into himself, gripping the blanket he was wrapped in tighter. Maybe they’d just leave the plate and leave. Maybe they wouldn’t do anything to him, maybe...

He could hear his breathing pick up, he knew that was a sign of weakness in front of them but there was nothing he could do about that. He felt his ears throb, and he figured that was his heartbeat. And when the man with the plate spoke, he felt himself go cold.

“Com’n bitch, time to eat.” The man, who Thomas now recognized as the man that had fondled him while he was tied took two more steps towards him and Thomas lost it. He flinched back, his sheet-covered back felt the cold stone behind him. He was trapped, a wounded noise left his throat. 

“Thomas, Thomas, please sweetie, calm down. It’s food. You need food.” Patton was trying to calm him down but he felt woozy, his stomach was aching and he was pretty sure it wasn’t from hunger. Sure, he _was_ hungry, but not enough to want them -especially  _ him _ \- anywhere near him. His mouth felt dry and his throat was uncomfortable, a lump of pure fear in it. All he could think about was that if he ate, he would be eating thanks to the men who hurt him. 

“Don’t, please. Don’t.” He held his hands up feeling sick at letting go of the blanket but he had to make his point. Maybe they wouldn’t hurt him, if he asked, if he was polite, if he begged. A part of him felt disgust at the idea of begging but it was better than the idea of them touching him. If he was good, “please, please, please.” He felt Patton rubbing his back. 

“Aw, isn’t that sweet, I haven’t even touched you and you’re already asking so nice for it. That’s hot.” The grin on the man’s face made tears spring to his eyes and they began to fall. He shook his head in denial and before he’d made the decision he was running to the door, they must have unlocked it to get in here; but, strong hands grabbed him-the man that had been leaning on the wall. He heard Roman and Patton call out his name, but he had to get out. Out.  _ Out _ !

He cried, pleading, “stop. Pease. Please! I don’t want to. Please. Not again.  _ Not again _ . No. No.  _ No _ !” He struggled and faintly heard the tell-tale ‘ _ poof _ ’ sound and heard Patton’s gasped ‘ _ no _ ’ but that was all lost in the feeling of lips at his ear.

“Listen to me,” it was harsh and he felt his stomach drop, “I have no patience for this, so here’s what we’re gonna do. If you’re bad I’ll let my good friend, Levi, here fuck you raw, ‘till you’re sore and bleeding and so god-damn ruined not even Ian will want you anymore.” Thomas shook his head, hands going to his mouth to try to cover the terror-filled sobs leaving his mouth. Otherwise, he was still, frozen. “Now, if you’re good, I’ll only have you blow him. Now, make your choice.” The man pulled away and spun him around to face him. 

There was no choice. 

He didn’t want to “blow” anyone, least of all any of these men, but he really didn’t want anyone... touching him. He didn’t want. He didn’t want. He had to choose. He couldn’t. It was quiet. Too quiet. Had his sides left? 

“Well, sweetie,” he flinched at the nickname from the man behind him, “what’s it gonna be?” Teeth nipped his earlobe and he choked on tears. He didn’t want. He didn’t...

“I’ll... I’ll-” He couldn’t say it. He felt the panic building in his is chest. He needed to say it. He’d rather anything, _anything_ , then to get used like that again. Anything. “I’ll...”

“You’ll behave?” He felt bitter relief that the man had said it for him. He nodded, trying to tone his cries down but he couldn’t. The fear, the panic, the helplessness was too strong. He felt something wet behind his ear and felt revulsion as he realizing it was a tongue. “Good. Now,” he was pushed away harshly, “get on the bed.” He clutched at the sheet that had slipped a little and sat at the edge of the bed trying to hold himself together. 

He glanced to his left and saw all three sides there, Patton was looking at him while holding Roman, who was returning the hug while looking at Virgil. Virgil was standing to the side, eyes on the floor, hands in fists. Thomas wondered if they could hear him if he spoke in his mind, he knew they could at home but here...

“We can.” Patton answered his unspoken question before his distress grew. Roman’s eyes shifted until they landed on his, they were bloodshot but still managed to look a little distant. 

_‘I’m sorry.’_ He thought, and saw as Virgil whipped his head up towards him, it matched his own reaction as he whipped his own head to his right as the man with the food plate sat next to him. 

“No, no, this isn’t your fault.” Virgil took a few steps towards him at the same time Roman spoke.

“You  have nothing to be sorry for.” But Thomas wasn’t listening to Roman, or Virgil, or anyone because he was too busy cataloging every move the man next to him made. He wanted to shrink away but stayed still. The other man, who was back against the wall watching him like a hawk, had said to behave. Behave. He felt scared; a deep, anxious, basic fear deep within his body. He looked at Virgil, he was still wearing his face and Thomas could only imagine how similar their fearful expressions probably were. Looking at Virgil was like looking in a mirror. 

“Open up, sweetheart.” The man’s voice, Levi, triggered shivers within him but he tried to ignore it. He had to. He had to behave. Levi scooped up a piece of fruit in his fingers and Thomas realized that he wanted to feed him. He wanted to protest, he didn’t want to be fed, he could feed himself; but, one look at the man at the wall made him lose that thought. As he opened his mouth, he snuck a look at the Sides wondering if they would be judging him for this. 

He suddenly realized he didn’t want them here, he didn’t want them to see him like this. He knew they were basically himself but they were still their own selves in some ways and he didn’t want them to be affected by this. To change because of his weakness. When he looked he only saw Virgil. He saw as the anxious side’s face went from fear to something that looked like determination. He watched in that second as Virgil grabbed Roman. 

“You two have to go.” That was the last thing he caught before fingers were shoved in his mouth, along with a piece of strawberry. Thomas had always loved strawberries before, he doubted that would continue to be the case. Funny how much these men could ruin his life in a matter of hours, even the smallest things, like his favorite shirt and fruit. The fingers retreated and he chewed without being told. He had to behave. He shut his eyes at the sour taste of the fruit. 

“What? No!” He opened his eyes to see Roman staring intently at Virgil.

“You have to! You can’t be here! You have to. You have to. Get out!” Thomas didn’t know if he wanted them all to leave or not anymore. Sure, he felt a protective surge towards them to get them out so they wouldn’t witness this but he also didn’t want to be alone. Yet, he knew where this was heading and he’d be damned if he let Patton see that, any one of them really but especially Patton. He saw the man move his hand and he forced his own mouth open for a grape.

“No, Kiddo, we can’t leave you. I can’t leave you.” At Patton’s words, Thomas knew that, while he hadn’t spoken that time, they could sense what he was feeling, yet another reason they shouldn’t be here. 

“You go, Virgil! Take Patton. I can stay, you can’t. Not again. I can stay.” Thomas’ eyes shifted to Roman at the sound of his panicked voice, and then they drifted to Virgil. He had seen Virgil when he woke up, but he didn’t realize he’d been there the whole time last time. He felt deep sorrow at that thought and then he was choking on a piece of fruit that had been shoved in his mouth, he didn’t realize he’d stopped paying attention to the man that seemed to be growing impatient. 

“I don’t have all day,” Levi’s voice was harsh and Thomas flinched.

“Listen to me, Roman, this isn’t going to be pretty, you two shouldn’t be here! It’s for the best!” Virgil’s voice was growing louder and shakier, matching how Thomas was feeling. It was all getting to be too much. He had to disconnect. He didn’t want to feel this much. 

“No, I’m not leaving him!” Patton’s voice made Thomas wince. He didn’t want him here. He didn’t want any of them here. He didn’t want to be alone.

“But I do like the sounds you make around my fingers,” Levi spoke and Thomas didn’t have a moment to contemplate what that meant when he felt fingers that tasted sweet being shoved in his mouth, too far back. So far that he gagged around them, he felt saliva flood his mouth as he choked. A cut off heave leaving his stomach, his throat seizing in fear and instinct. He couldn’t breathe. Then the fingers were gone. He heard chuckling and a hand gripping his hair and shoving him backward awkwardly on the bed. 

“Virgil, stop!” That was Patton, one glance in his direction told him that he was looking hurt at Virgil. That didn’t matter, however, when legs were straddling him, heavy weight on his thighs. Fingers back in his mouth, with what felt like another grape, shoving it back, cutting off his air, choking him. He wasn’t prepared. His eyes caught Patton’s and he saw a hand fly to his moral side’s throat and then he was gone. 

“Virgil, wh-” The prince started to speak but didn't finish.

“Roman, go!” Thomas lost track of the sound of his two sides fighting when he felt lips at his throat. He felt disoriented, this was all happening too fast, and then fingers were back in his mouth, fruit too, he only wanted to vomit. His stomach violently clenching, just like his throat. 

“God, your throat feels so good when it grips me like that. And the way your neck moves. I can see the Boss’ appeal. Now imagine it around something... lets say, bigger.” The fingers retreated and Thomas tried to ignore the man’s cruel and disgusting words. His eyes were watering and it felt like his lungs were burning. He opened his eyes that had closed instinctively and saw Logan there in the shape of Joan. He was trying to get between Virgil and Roman who were shouting. 

Then his air disappeared again, just fingers this time, he wondered if the fruit was gone. He watched his three sides; Talyn, Joan, and himself all fight. There was screaming he couldn’t understand. He was making noises he couldn’t control. The man above him was speaking, but all he really felt were the fingers too deep in his throat. His sides then went quiet and he found his eyes drifting to them.

His eyes, watery and itchy, locked with Logan’s and he saw how slowly his face filled with fear and panic. Thomas saw as Logan’s eyes started to water and his mouth opened gaping and gasping; choking, like him. He closed his eyes to try to shut it all out. The fingers pulled out and shoved back in; he grew so frustrated he let out a shout, which only caused him to heave and his throat to close more, tears kept falling from his eyes. It was too much. The sensations of nails in the back of his mouth hurt. Everything was too much. 

When he opened his eyes, Logan was gone. He was alone with these two men and Virgil. 

“It’s ok. I’m not leaving. You don’t have to hold anything in, it’s just me. It’s ok.” Virgil took a few steps closer, and then stopped when he saw the man getting up from the bed and his body. They watched as he took off his pants and then Thomas turned away, shutting his eyes and shaking his head to try to ignore the situation. “Thomas, do you want me to-”

_‘Stay where you are. Please, Virgil."_ His eyes opened and found the purple side's ones. _"Stay there, don’t leave, please, but don’t come any closer. Just stay.’_ That was all it took for Virgil to freeze like a statue, hands gripping his jeans. 

“Come on, open up.” Thomas shut his eyes again when he felt fingers gripping his hair painfully as he was dragged harshly off the bed and to his knees on the floor, he gasped, then he wasn’t choking on fingers but on something worse. He wanted to blank out, he didn’t want to be here. He didn’t... 

“It’s ok, go somewhere you can be safe. Don’t stay. It’s ok.” He heard Virgil’s voice and did what he was told, he went deep within himself. He got lost in the memory of being behind stage before a show.

 

* * *

 

  
_Thomas could hear the overture of the show playing._

_ He’d been standing at the wings ready for his entrance since they had called Quarter 'till. He loved to hear the excitement of the people out in the seats. He loved to listen as they quieted down as the lights were dimmed. His favorite moment was when the whole place went dark and everything was still and silent and he could take a deep breath and let out all his nerves in a deep exhale. _

_ He loved the whisper of his sides in his mind:  _

_ You’ll do great, kiddo;  _

_ You know your lines Thomas, you have nothing to worry about in relation to this make-believe performance;  _

_ You got this, everything will be good;  _

_ Come on Mr. Future-Lin-Manuel, we have a show to deliver.  _

_ Thomas loved the support and the feeling of creating something just by being there, creating something by speaking and moving and singing. Acting, bringing it all to life under bright lights and the rush of timed shifts and quick changes. _

_He felt the friendly hand of a set crew person pat his shoulder as the red curtains opened and the lights turned on._  
  


* * *

 

 

He opened his eyes. 

Hands were letting go of his hair, his skull hurt and his jaw ached and he felt used; he felt something he didn’t want to think about on his lips. A sour taste at the back of his throat. He felt like he was slowly coming to himself. He blinked. His eyes drifting around the room finding Virgil huddled against the bed about 2 yards to his right. The other man was still leaning against the wall, looking like he enjoyed the show. 

Levi was adjusting his pants, running his hand through his hair, looking satisfied. It was disgusting. He was disgusting. 

“He’s all yours. But I'm leaving, you know I don't like any of that below the belt action.” Levi moved away and headed for the door. Thomas felt his eyes go wide in confusion; his hands clenched in the sheet. He looked at the man against the wall as he started to unbutton his pants. 

“No, no. Wait. Please, wait. Wait.” Thomas hugged himself and got up slowly. Levi, was walking out the door and he made a choice he knew he’d regret. He ran towards the door but it was closed before he got to it. He was locked in here. “Please, you said, you said...”

“I said I wouldn’t let him fuck you raw. I never said anything about me.” The man got closer to him and Thomas flinched away, back further into the basement. There was nowhere to go. He had nowhere to run, to hide. Virgil was standing now, looking crushed. 

“Thomas,” Virgil’s face  as he said his name caused Thomas’ heart to clench, hurt and in pain. Thomas moved to towards him, towards the bed, towards the back, but hands grabbed his arm and then slid to his wrist pulling him back towards the bed, he shut his eyes and cried out. The sheet was ripped from him and thrown onto the floor and he felt skin against his lower body. That meant the man wasn’t wearing pants or underwear. Blind panic rushed in his blood, clouded his mind. He could hear Virgil’s constant “No, please stop, not again. Please.” He couldn’t help but echo the words.

Thomas bucked and fought and twisted but it seemed to do nothing. One of his hands slipped loose from the man’s grasp and he took the opportunity to hurt the man’s face with his hand. Nails were shoved into eyes and the man cried in pain. Thomas saw the man pull away to grip at his left eye, it looked like he caught the end of it. Thomas twisted until he landed on the cold floor, hard on his shoulder and the left side of his head, the man’s pants and the discarded sheet making his legs slip as he tried to get up. He stood up feeling dizzy and head throbbing. His whole head ached with what was sure to be an oncoming headache but he tried to not pay attention to the blurred vision and ran once again to the door. 

He cried out when he felt a body collide with him pressing him to the door and then arms flung him to the floor, he couldn’t catch his head and it collided with the floor again. He closed his eyes in pain trying to overcome the buzzing and sudden nausea. As he tried to sit up he was momentarily confused as to what was happening, why he was on the floor. He felt his head lull to the side, unable to support itself for a second. Then strong arms gripped his and pulled him up harshly. He lost track of himself for a moment  and then felt the wall collide with his back, the impact pulling the air from his lungs. He looked up to see dark brown eyes glaring at him and the felt his hair being pulled. Thomas on instinct tried to fight it off and then his head was banged against the wall again.

“You will learn your place, bitch!” Thomas was slammed against the cement wall once more; and, he let himself feel the weakness that came with a head injury before it all went black.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so before anything else, again thank you all for reading and commenting and sorry I'm still working through replying to comments as of right now, but thank you so much all of you for not giving up on me. 
> 
> First: I already said graduation was a hassle to get over, it was really draining. Also, for a while there I had trouble with actually sitting down and writing this because of reasons, but it's all good now :) I took your guy's advice and took care of myself for a little, but I still really wanted to thank you all for your patience and love.
> 
> Second: I made a mistake in the last chapter where I didn't explain that the sides were not themselves and that's why they were touching and stuff, I fixed it but sorry if it was confusing. 
> 
> Third: There are four men involved, so far we only know the name for two of them. Ian and Levi. If you have any questions on the men, let me know. I'll be happy to answer so long there aren't any spoilers. 
> 
> Fourth: Does the rating need to go up? Can someone help me with that?
> 
> Fifth: I made a tumbler for my Thomas Sanders needs, so if anyone wants to be my friend: yellowsky2314 is my name on tumblr. It's fairly new so... yeah. Feel no obligation to go visit at all. 
> 
> Sixth: Right now, I'm only doing summer school so expect at least one update per week, maybe two. At least I hope, please don't hate me if it's more than that. 
> 
> I think that's it. I love all of you!


	15. Quesadillas and Planners

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm back! I love you all who comment and reach out for me and thank you for those of you who helped with the rating thing. Thanks to all of you!

Patton was sitting on the floor under the window in the living room, the blinds disturbed and pushed to the side awkwardly by his body. He was looking up at nothing, trying to get lost in his mind, his checks sticky with fast drying tears. Every few seconds another one fell from his eyes but it didn’t feel like he was crying anymore, it just felt like a surplus of emotion was exiting his body through means of tears. More mechanical than anything else; something he had no control over.

He was trying to think about anything that wasn’t what was out there.

It was bad, it was so much worse than what he thought it was like out there. In truth, he hadn’t actually thought about what it must have been like. He’d looked at the entire situation but he didn’t look close enough to find details, he hadn’t wanted to see the details. He thought he had a good enough idea of what was happening. He didn’t; he had no idea. It was cold and frightening and lonely, Patton couldn’t even begin to try to process what it had probably been like in the beginning when Logan, Thomas, and Virgil were starting to figure out what was happening. That must have been like a nightmare come to life.

He was trying not to think about how when Logan had come back, instead of trying to help, he treated him terrible.

If even _he_ wasn’t able to deal with the pressure of all the emotions running through him, how did he expect Logan to have fared any better? No, he shouldn’t have, especially when his throat still felt like there was a lump in it like it was closing and fighting for air. He coughed to clear it, even though he knew there was nothing physically there. Patton, however, could still feel the fingers of that stranger in his mouth just like he had felt them when he and Thomas had made eye contact. He couldn’t shake the feeling of helplessness and just plain fear.

The guilt.

There were too many emotions.

One thought that kept coming back was how he’d yelled at Logan, he couldn’t even explain why he’d been so mad at him before, for something that even _then_ he knew was out of his control. Virgil made choices too and one of them had been to not let Logan be there when that man abused Thomas. Just like he’d made that same choice with Patton himself. He’d blamed Logan for going through the same thing that happened to him; for being transferred by Virgil in the name of protection, even if it was faulty, because he also couldn’t blame the anxious side for his actions; he was only trying to keep them and Thomas from harm in the way he thought was best.

Patton now realized he’d let his feelings cloud his judgement, his reasoning. He could only feel shame for that. He’d told the others many times that if they were hurting it was alright to be hurting, just not hurt others. If they wanted to scream and hit then it was alright to let out frustrations, just not on others. They were supposed to be there for one another, not attack one another. Yet, he’d done that. He’d hurt Logan, and took out his frustration on Logan, and attacked Logan, both verbally and physically.

Patton didn’t know if he could forgive himself for that, but he needed to talk to Logan, to make it up to him. To Logan, who was out there trying to bring Virgil back because he’d asked him to.

With no warning, Roman suddenly rose up to his knees at his spot in front of the tv and Patton startled. He looked at the prince for a second before his mind caught up to what he was looking at, he felt his breath come more labored as he shuffled to him without getting up, crawling. “Roman? Roman, what happened?” His voice was dry and scratchy and cracking, and Patton found that that wasn’t exactly surprising.

“It’s fine. I’m fine... It’s fine.” The prince’s voice answered after a pause, it was devoid of emotion, flat and terribly quiet. Nothing like Roman’s usual voice. That made Patton’s worry tenfold. His hands felt moist, and he rubbed them on his pant legs before getting closer.

“Roman, listen to me, how are Virgil and Thomas and Logan? Roman? What happened?” The other side was looking at him but not really. Roman was staring through him, much like he had been earlier, before they’d gone out to the physical world, eventually the stare broke away in favor of fixating on the floor. A voice in his mind that sounded like Logan reminded him that, that was probably shock. That couldn’t be good. He had to try to break him out of his own mind, he had no way to do that, really, so he just shouted. “Roman!”

Looking up, brown eyes met his and Patton had to force himself to shake away the very vivid memory of those same eyes looking at him fearfully from a bed in a basement. These, however, belonged to the creative side and were fast becoming shiny. Patton didn’t know if he could deal with more tears, there had been so many already, he didn’t want anymore.

“He stayed, he kicked me out. He made me leave, made me... I told him I would and he made me.” Roman was looking at the ground again, but finally speaking. Well, mumbling more than speaking, but it was a step in the right direction. Patton was worried he wasn’t going to be able to help like he should be, he didn’t really remember what Logan had told them about shock or how to deal with it.

“Come on, let’s go to the couch.” Patton thought that was as good a start as any and tried to get up, taking hold of Roman’s arm to lift him up too, but instead of get up with him Roman pushed him away and he stumbled back.

“Get off of me! I said I was fine!” The side was now looking at him, glaring. The mood shift was so sudden it confused Patton and he just stood there and stared, not knowing what to do. Roman stood, gripping the tv edge to steady himself, he looked at Patton and started to walk away up the stairs.

“Roman!” Patton started going up the stairs after him but the prince turned around to face him, furious and he found himself halting in his tracks.

“Mind your own business, Patton! I know you want to help but you can’t fix everything. No, actually, you can’t fix anything!” With that Roman turned and a few moments later Patton heard a door slam, it felt like the whole house shook, but that was just his body. He stood there staring up the steps but unable to move.

He was right. Roman was right. Patton couldn’t fix this, any of it, but he could try to at least help... Somehow. He felt helpless, but that didn’t mean he _was_ helpless. He could try. For the others. That was his job, as the dad, to look out for the others. He just didn’t know where to start. He needed help. He needed Logan, he would know what to do, he always knew.

As he thought that, he heard someone rise behind him, turning he found Logan on his knees coughing at his normal spot between the wall and the couch.

“Logan!” Patton hurried down the stairs and watched Logan trying to stand, when he was about to reach him to help him stand, the other side looked at him, his eyes clouded and jerked back.

“Don’t-” hand outstretched to stop him, Logan shook his head. Patton stopped. “I couldn’t-I couldn’t convince him. I tried, I couldn’t. I couldn’t.” Logan winced and his eyes looked around rapidly, seeing things that weren’t there. Patton felt his heart drop, Virgil had stayed.

“Logan, what happened? Logan?” He took another step towards him and the logical side jerked back again.

“Don’t!” Logan’s hands reached up to his hair, “I’m sorry, I-I... I have to go. I’m sorry.” With that, he set out running up the stairs and Patton had never felt as bad as he did when he heard the door slam upstairs. Any sort of hope he’d felt, any sort of will he felt to try to get through this situation moments ago vanished with that. He couldn’t do this, not alone. Yet, he was alone. He pushed Logan away, he couldn’t keep Roman close. He failed Virgil, he failed Thomas.

He couldn't give up. He couldn't give up.

Patton leaned against the stairwell-wall and slowly slid down. Head on his knees, hands on his neck. He felt a deep hole in his stomach and a lump in his throat. He didn’t know what he was going to do. He was feeling overwhelmed. He closed his eyes and just breathed. For a moment he just let the air rush in and out of him. Trying to calm himself.

He couldn't give up. He couldn't give up.

Virgil had taught him once that sometimes when he was feeling too much he could try to stop for a moment to recollect. Sometimes he just needed to sit down and breathe for a minute and concentrate on something: an object, a memory, a song, a movie, something. Just concentrate on it for a minute and breathe. Opening his eyes he found himself staring at the dining table...

_“Come on, it’s all going to work out in the end, kiddo. You can worry about this later, it’s time to eat now. All of you.”_

Patton blinked, trying to get his thoughts in order, trying to recapture that memory. He closed his eyes in concentration. It was a fairly recent memory, he wanted to remember what it was...

 

* * *

 

“One of you needs to come help me!” Patton stood in the kitchen with a navy blue apron, it had thick white stitchings all around the seams, two pockets in front, and a big white smiley face right dead center. It was also a little wet from residue water spray from when he used the sink on a pot earlier.

“It’s Roman’s turn!” Virgil quickly threw the other side under the metaphorical bus without shame. He turned in his seat on the couch to look at Patton from the living room all while pointing at Roman who was laying on the floor of the dining room with his legs parallel against the wall; hands spread, palms down, as if he was stopped while making a snow angel; eyes closed a soft hum coming from his closed lips. He was bent at a perfect 90° angel, and if you turned your head sideways it almost seemed as if he was perfectly sitting on the wall with the floor as a backrest.

“Shut up, Charlie Sad Cloud! Who told you you’re allowed to rain on my parade?!” Roman didn’t get up, didn’t even open his eyes, he just made a hushing motion with his hands.

“That doesn’t even make sense. What, are you losing your touch for insults, huh, Roman?” Virgil’s tone rang amused. In the past, that tone would have sparked an argument, but now Patton could see it only caused a smile to spread across Roman’s face; still, he decided to intervene.

“Boys, lets go, I don’t care who does it, I just need someone to help, or none of you are getting dinner.” Patton stood at the entrance to the kitchen now with his hands at his hips. His voice was full Dad force and it caused Roman to open his eyes and look at him.

“But Patton I-” The creative side started what was sure to be a long-winded argument but was stopped.

“Virgil, Roman is currently busy, if you don’t remember. So, do you mind helping Patton with dinner? Also, I’ll be eating in the mindscape so don’t waste Thomas’ food on me, thanks though, Patton.” Logan was sitting at the dining table with Thomas; two notebooks, a laptop, and sheets spread out all over the table. And, even though he was submerged in their scheduling work, Logan stopped writing in one of the notebooks for a second and turned his face towards him giving the moral side a small smile. Patton didn’t even try to contain the responding grin that formed on his lips.

“He’s just laying there!” Virgil’s voice dropped a little lower showing his clear irritation at the knowledge that he wouldn’t win this round.

“Virge, please, you know it’s Planning Day, and we need to make sure the upcoming month’s projects are ready. Roman is currently helping me to sort ideas on upcoming videos and some shorts. Just go help Pat. Roman will do kitchen duty for two weeks in a row after this.” Thomas said not even looking up from whatever he was typing on his laptop.

“Hey!” Roman tried to sit up a that but didn’t quite manage it with how he was laying.

“It’s only fair, Roman. Also, fix yourself on that wall before you hurt yourself.” Patton walked back into the kitchen but still heard when Virgil huffed getting off the couch.

“Could you move so I can pass?” Patton could hear the eyeroll in Virgil’s voice. Those two, honestly...

“Jump over me, Captain Mood.” Roman gave the attitude back this time, clearly upset he would have to help in the kitchen for two weeks in a row. Patton hoped they wouldn’t get in relationship trouble over some simple quesadillas. He heard some sound of what he could only assume was the anxious side making a show of stepping over Roman.

“Can’t you find a better place to lay on?” Virgil was now in the kitchen so Patton threw him his black apron that read “Space Stress 05 Hunk” in yellow letters without looking.

“This is relaxing me!” Roman shouted back from his spot on the tiles.

“Walls aren’t meant to be sat on, find a ch-” Virgil stopped talking abruptly, Patton turned to look at the darker side while he, in turn, looked at the side still on the floor; he found himself having to hide his smile at the evidence that Virgil and Roman had been spending more time together lately since sitting on strange places was such a Virgil thing to do. Logan called it 'psychological mirroring' and said couples often times did it. They all mirrored each other on occasion, but with Roman and Virgil, it was now more noticeable.

“Virgil, could you pull the corn from the cupboard, please? And also open two cans.” He passed the can opener to the youngest side before things got awkward. Luckily, Logan and Thomas were still wrapped in the job. Well, Logan was, Thomas was staring blankly at the wall. Patton snapped his fingers and Thomas startled a second before looking at the laptop screen.

“Roman, you blanked out on me for a second there, please come back.” Thomas rubbed his eyes.

“Sorry!” Roman finally stood up and started to pace along the small hallway they had.

“What do you think?” Patton heard Thomas ask and the shift of a laptop. After a few minutes of no sound but Roman’s footfalls and Virgil’s work with the can and then slicing of bell peppers Patton heard Logan speak up.

“Good, maybe expand a bit more on this sentence, I’m not sure it makes sense, and please fix that, no no, not that one, _that_ , grammatical error and then it should be fine to send to Joan.”

“Is the next Sanders Side script ready?” Patton found himself asking over the counter-window. Thomas looked back at him and nodded his head, rubbing his eyes again in the process. He knew this next episode was going to be emotionally hard, both Logan and Thomas had already warned him. They often had a lot of free reign and opportunities to improvise with the Sanders Sides videos, and that always worried Patton, more so when the subject was close to home like this one was going to be. Improvise sometimes left room for bad memories to arise.

“Not quite, Joan and Talyn need to revise, but I think most of the writing on my side is done. Now...” Thomas picked up a piece of paper from the pile. “The video we uploaded yesterday counts as the one we had planned for this week right Logan?”

“Yes.” The intellectual side nodded.

“So, we don’t have to worry about anything for the rest of the week? That’s weird we were two days early to update.” Thomas ran his hand through his hair. "Weird, but in a very good way!"

“We _were_ , so don’t worry, if you want to make a short soon you should wait until Tuesday, that would give you five days to relax. You really need that.” Logan said while he continued to write in the notebook.

“Yep, you really need a few days to relax to keep your spirits up, buddy!” Patton was now cutting pieces of chicken. He saw Virgil steal a cut piece out of the corner of his eye and smiled at him but shooed his hand away when it reached for more.

“Patton is correct, and Tuesday will bring you to the beginning of next month, it’ll help keep you on schedule. Also, healthwise, a few days to yourself would do wonders.” Logan took hold of the planner that was open on the table and gave it to Thomas.

“Ok, you’re right. So, now, next month... For next month we need to plan two small videos, and at least three shorts to post because the next big video, the Sanders Sides, is two weeks away. Well, three if I’m being honest here. So actually three smaller videos and five shorts.” Thomas sighed loudly. Planning Days were always hard on all four sides, together, that made them awful for Thomas.

“Alright,” Logan said reaching for the planner and starting to write. “Monday, what do you want to do?”

With that Patton turned back to his work in the kitchen getting the flour tortillas ready, letting the three boys outside the kitchen start their debating that would go on until they came to a conclusion that seemed good enough. Some minutes later, he heard some arguing start from the dining room, getting louder by the second. He asked Virgil to turn the quesadillas in two minutes while he checked on the others. Before he went out the younger side grabbed his arm and started to whisper.

“Pat, um, Princey is... he’s kind of stressed, I can feel it leaking from him. I think, well this Sanders Sides is freaking him because he doesn’t want to hurt us. Like he thinks he did with the Moving on videos. Could you... I don’t know.” Virgil looked upset. Patton wondered if Virgil realized how compromising it was that he knew that information.

“Yeah, Virgil, I’ll try to get them to defuse.” He patted the younger side’s hand and stepped to the dining room. “What’s going on?” he put on his best Dad persona, effectively shutting all three up.

“Roman is trying to do a song,” Logan stated simply, fixing his tie, a nervous tick that Patton recognized.

“Why is that bad?” Patton took a seat by the intellectual side as Logan explained.

“I don’t think that is for the best considering that Thomas hasn’t practiced any new songs, and we don’t have enough time to get copyright licensing. That leaves ones he already knows, but any Story Time songs will need to be accompanied by an instrument and Thomas only knows the ukulele. That means involving one of his friends that knows how to play something else. We have enough with the upcoming Sanders Sides without having to worry so much about a friend’s scheduling availability to practice and record a song. I just don’t thin-”

“And it’s all about what you think right, Logan?” Roman got up from the table and started pacing again. Patton saw Virgil giving the royal side a worried look through the counter window.

“Roman. Stop.” Patton gestured for him to sit down again, which he did. “Good, now lets talk this through, preferably, without putting Virgil on edge.” Thomas and Roman gave Virgil side glances. Logan raised an eyebrow and nodded.

“You’re right,” Logan sighed turning towards Roman, “so you want a song, and insist on Thomas wearing your outfit for a short. Ok, like I said I don’t think that’s the best course of action, but it’s not my decision. Thomas?” They turned to the human.

“I mean, I do want to dress up as Princey but I see your point...” Thomas looked conflicted as he said this. Patton thought about how to fix it when it came to him.

“Twenty-eight seconds! We don’t have to do a full song, it could be a short cover!” Patton was hoping this would appease both sides. For the most part, Thomas did his short songs acapella, and they didn’t take too long to shoot and it avoided any copyright issues.

“Yeah, I could do a song cover, right? I don’t have any new ones practiced and I don’t want to rush any of the ones Joan wrote but... covers aren’t bad, right? What do you guys think?” Thomas looked down at one of his laptop among the print sheets spread out all over, he looked at a few pages and then flipped until he found what he was looking for. Roman sat next to him and looked considerably happier.

“Can it be a prince song?” He asked peaking at the notebook along with Thomas.

“Of course! How about...” Thomas was excited now. “Kiss the girl?”

“Not a prince song! Sebastian sings that!” Virgil shouted from the kitchen.

“You’re right, um... One Song?” Patton suggested. He thought as long as they came from a princess movie he thought they were fair game but apparently _some_ wanted actual princes.

“Nope, I’m not feeling that one right now,” Thomas said shaking his head.

“Would the one from Mulan be satisfactory to you? I’ll Make A Man Out Of You?” Logan asked looking at the notebook too.

“Nope, I want to do a full feature of that someday, also, Li Shang is not technically a prince, he’s a captain.” Thomas said looking at the ceiling.

“He’s actually a general according to the second movie.” Logan pointed out getting up from his seat to stretch.

“He should be a prince, he sure has the body for-”

“Roman! Focus!” Thomas sent a look in his direction and Patton giggled.

“I See The Light?” Patton tried again, but immediately realized his mistake. “Wait, no Flynn’s not a prince either. Sorry.” Patton got up, deciding it was time to go back to the kitchen to finish dinner, Virgil was probably not happy there all by himself. As he passed by Logan, Patton walked closer than strictly necessary, letting his hands touch the other’s arms hoping it wasn’t too noticeable.  

“Well, he married Rapunzel, technically he is. But no, I want to do a full song of that one too.” Thomas tried to not sound irritated.

“Once Upon A Dream? That one is nice.” Roman said looking at the laptop looking up prince songs.

“We’ve already done that one, it’s in the notebook.” Logan pointed towards the list of short songs they’d already done in the notebook from his spot leaning on the wall.

“True...” Thomas muttered looking at the laptop with Roman.

“Let Me Be Your Wings?” Virgil suggested from the kitchen, loud enough to be heard by the others, but still somehow low, embarrassment clear. Everything was silent a second.

“Prince Cornelius! That man!” Roman immediately perked. Getting up with a smile on his face. “That voice, those manners, and his face...”

“Roman.” Logan’s warning voice rang out, but he had a smirk on his face.

“That sounds... good.” Thomas said, smiling. “We’ll just find 28 seconds to record later and bam-boom!” Logan walked back to his spot and started writing in the planner.

“Good job, Virge!” Patton said. Looking at the quesadillas and the side salad, the both of them started to arrange plates, five because Logan was eating out here whether he wanted to or not.

A few minutes later he heard what sounded like the order of arrangement for the next month.

“Alright, song on Wednesday, I already texted Val and she's free Tuesday. She'll help me record the song and two shorts, Talyn and Joan want to go to the park to do them. I'm still waiting on Kyle and Dahlia but I'm pretty sure they should be free; Friday: Month Shorts Combination Video; Saturday: Unplanned Park Short; Monday: Unplanned Park Short; Wednesday: We have to think of another Short; Friday: Game Night Video remind me to put it on the group chat to see who can come; Friday: Sanders Side; Tuesday: Another Short; And finally, Friday: Another Game Night. Sound good? Oh and Shout out Sundays, don't forget those.” Thomas read what had been accorded throughout the session to the other two. Patton saw Virgil immediately tense, also having overheard.

“No.” Virgil exited the kitchen to go look at the planner.

“You ok there, Virge?” Roman looked worried at the anxious side, not liking what he was seeing.

“No, switch the first Game night and the Month Shorts. I refuse to do a game night the week before a Sanders Sides, with all the filming and editing and schedule changes and-”

“Ok, ok, we get it. We’ll switch them! Relax, we got you. Don’t worry. I got you.” Roman reached and quickly erased and edited those parts on the planner. “You’re absolutely right, Count Darkula, that would be pretty hard, since this Sanders Sides is fairly long, that might cause... some performance issues if we’re too tight with the filming schedule.”

“Thank you.” He nodded, and quickly returned to the kitchen.

Not long after they started to bring out the plates, including one for Logan who hadn’t noticed yet because all three were still looking at papers.

“This table needs to be clean in 60 seconds or I’m going to accidentally drop guacamole sauce on everything.” Virgil said balancing two plates perfectly in his hands with an unamused expression. The three at the table looked up at that.

“But Virgil, we’re close to working this out!” Patton could have sworn that, that whine that left Thomas’ lips actually originated from Roman, but he didn’t say anything about that when he spoke up, instead choosing a less touchy point.

“Come on, it’s all going to work out in the end, kiddo. You can worry about this later, it’s time to eat now. All of you.” Logan looked up and saw the three plates balanced on Patton’s hands. He looked like he was about to protest but Patton spoke faster than him. “All. Of. You. Everyone here needs a break. I can tell you're not really close to being done so don't stress about it right now. Let's go. Clear the table. Come on.”

Logan nodded in resignation and with a snap, his side of the table was clear, all but the planner that was not conjured but was actually part of the physical world. Thomas took longer to start arranging the papers on his side of the table, again, the pout on his face looked like it belonged on Roman, who had kept quiet so far.

“What if I can’t figure it out later? I should finish it now that I’m on a roll.” The human tried to protest one last time.

“You will figure it out, Thomas. And if it takes a little longer, that is alright, but, like Patton said: Everyone here needs a break. Also, thank you for making me a plate, Patton. Virgil.” Logan nodded to them both in thanks going to the kitchen to get the napkins since everyone always forgot about those until they were already all sitting. On his way he patted Patton on the shoulder and Patton smiled feeling all warm. He heard Virgil's voice quickly snapping him out of his happy bubble.

“Yeah, Thomas, we’ll help you out some more later. Right now, though, I just want to eat.”  Virgil set a plate down in front of Roman as he spoke, then he turned and went to grab the guacamole and salad that were still in the kitchen. Logan already on his way out.

“Yeah, you have us to help you out later, but what won’t help us now would be this food going cold!” Patton followed Virgil’s lead and set the plates down, returning to the kitchen for cups and a bottle of soda. As he returned he saw Roman giving Virgil a small smile and a nod as Thomas put the stuff away with Logan helping him to speed up the process. Yeah. Everything would be ok.

 

* * *

 

Everything would be ok.

Everything would be ok.

_Everything would be ok._

Patton took a deep breath and shakily stood up. A sad smile on his face, a memory of when their biggest worry was what they were going to post next. He needed the other’s help and then, everything would really be ok, maybe not now but eventually. They’d get out and be ok.

Without warning the lights all over shut off, it was all dark except for the soft glow of the outside that came in through the windows, but even the mind’s light seemed dimmed. Patton decided to go up the stairs to check how Roman and Logan were doing in the darkness when he came eye to eye with Virgil. He was slumped on the floor on the stairs, but his eyes were blown wide and tearful, more than that they were full of fear. There was a small tremble to his frame and Patton couldn’t resist the urge to hug him.

One step in his direction, however, proved to be a horrible mistake because Virgil screamed, so loud and full of fear that Patton’s whole frame tensed, his heart clenched and his stomach dropped. He’d never heard Virgil scream like that before and he never wanted to hear it again, yet the other side did it again. And again. And again.

_Everything would be ok._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alert: Long Author's note because I can't shut up... in all honestly the first three points are the only important ones.
> 
> 1) Ok, so, for those of you confused about the food thing and planner interaction: We've seen Patton eat Thomas' leftover fridge pizza and we saw Logan throw a laptop at Thomas, so I come to reason that they can eat human food and interact with just about anything while they're inside of Thomas' house. No one can tell me otherwise. And for when Logan says he'll eat in the mind, we saw Patton give the pasta to Roman, I can only assume they did that exchange in the mind. So they can eat "mind food" in the mind too. Also, my headcanon is that only Roman can conjure up food from thin air. The rest have to "make it". 
> 
> 2) Virgil's apron. Google: "space stress hunk 05 apron" and you get to see it. Since Thomas has seen Voltron and Virgil is a tiny stressed boy... I mean... honestly...
> 
> 3) I drew something, the basement. If you guys want to see it, it's on my Tumblr page. Tagged under "TVSIMH", my Tumblr name is yellowsky2314... Don't feel obligated to. Please.
> 
> 4) What have I been up to this past month? 
> 
> Summer school is over now! I'm free until August when school starts up again. Those little kids are adorable, honestly. Funny story. To understand this you have to realize that the summer school I worked at was for elementary level kids. Anyway, one of our kids, he just finished 1st grade/going into 2nd, he's tiny and he's what we call a runner. He, when he gets bored/doesn't like the lesson/or for any reason really, just bolts. So the elementary we worked was next to a farm. A cow farm. This kid, he decides that recess sucks and just bolts to the farm. Now, he's so tiny that he just slipped through the openings in the barb wired fence. Like just slipped through. The three teachers that ran after him when they saw weren't so lucky, especially the one with the shorts. And the kid, all he does is go right up to the EATING COWS, shouts MOOO and sets them all running. Luckily in the opposite direction to him. So yeah, that was fun. *shakes head* 
> 
> Another cool thing that happened to me was that like two/three weeks ago we had a 4 day/3 night lock-in at church. Since our "camp" this year is actually an evangelism trip we can't all make it, the youth leaders decided a lock-in would be nice for everyone. The girls got to sleep in the church basement and the boys in the house next door because that's where one of the leaders lives and he lives alone so it worked out. The whole group got together during the day for Bible studies and we also did activities, like volleyball, soccer, we watched movies, Twister was fun, hide and seek. A few of the guys decided one of the nights to sneak back into the church past lights out and they got in so much trouble... Pastor really was mad at that. Overall it was fun! the only weird part was having to go across the street in groups either in the morning or afternoon to shower in another member's house, they were out of town so they let us use their house. 
> 
> And then last week I was super sick all week but I got to binge watch so much tv. Started to rewatch Criminal Minds, and rewatched Voltron. 
> 
> So, anyway, what did you guys do? Should I keep doing these long things? Not actually sure how many of you all read all of this... Thank you for reading, if you did. If not, thank you for reading the story. Sorry it was so long. I love you all!!!


	16. Bats and Mirrors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I took so long, if you read the first comment on the last chapter, I explained some of it and I also have a small rant at the end, if you have any more questions feel free to ask me. Thanks, everyone for being so patient. Love you all!  
> Warning: Vomiting and anger outbursts.

Slamming the door behind him did nothing for his mood; Roman was fuming, he felt hurt, rejected. Powerless. Princes were supposed to be strong, mighty, competent!

Not... whatever he was. Not a failure. Roman started to pace, a finger going to his mouth so he could bite on it. His thoughts ran wild, and he didn't know how to stop them.

_Romance can’t be here! Love can’t be here! You have to get out of here!_

What did that even _mean_? What did that even...

It didn’t matter, none of it mattered. His hands went up to ruffle his hair in frustration. The only thing that mattered was that he left Thomas and Virgil out there, like a complete and utter coward. They were getting... _hurt_ , for Christ’s sake, and he couldn’t do a single thing except wait for it to be over. What then? Could he simply go up to the boy he loved and pretend he didn’t leave him to fare for himself when he was already beat on the floor?

_If you love me, go._

Well, the truth was he didn’t love Virgil. He wasn’t _worthy_ of loving Virgil. Virgil was too good. Too valuable, too wonderful, too beautiful. He didn’t deserve a hideous creature like Roman tainting him. Virgil didn’t deserve a disgusting creature like Roman saying he loved him. This wasn’t love. This wasn’t love because, because for one _god-awful_ ... for one _soul-crushing_ moment... he felt relief. Relief at not having to see. Relief at not having to be there. _Relief_ ! Who felt _relief_ at leaving the love of their life behind during the worst moment of their lives? This wasn’t love and Roman knew it because no one in love would do that. Gripping at his sash he yanked it causing it to rip. He yanked at his shirt and then at his hair searching for some sort of outlet for his self-irritation, but the thought kept coming back.

No one but him would feel relief.  

He was a coward.

He was selfish.

A selfish coward because, no matter what happened, he still didn't want to let go of Virgil. When this was all set and done he wanted to be there. To stay with him. To hold him and kiss him and keep him close. To beg for forgiveness. He wanted to beg Virgil to forgive his failure to protect him. His incompetence. His weakness. He wanted to grovel for forgiveness as he helped care for him, as he helped him heal, as he guided him back to happiness. Roman knew he deserved none of that but that didn’t stop him from wanting it.

Everything felt restraining, Roman wanted to rip his own skin off so he could breathe a little, he felt frustration and anger. He'd never felt so much anger rise in him before, and it just kept rising and rising and _rising_. He stopping his pacing and grabbed the closest thing to him: a vase of pink stargazer lilies that Virgil had placed on his side table last time he'd been in Roman's room. He grabbed the vase and threw it as hard as he could against the wall. It felt good to destroy it. To hear the shatter of crystal. To let out some of his anger. He spotted the bed next and went to grab the pillows, once in his hand he threw them to the ground. They made no sound, and it was less satisfying than the glass had been. He went to his vanity and grabbed the make-up set that he and Virgil shared sometimes. He threw it at the floor watching the palettes shatter and colored dust taint the floor. The noise was like music to his ears.

A small voice in the back of his head told him to stop and it sounded suspiciously like Virgil, that thought only served to make him angrier. Without warning, he called upon a baseball bat and without consciously deciding it he starting hitting the walls, the bed frame, the things that were left on the vanity and side table. Thump after thump, hitting with all he had anything he could. He wasn’t even fully aware he was smashing the big mirror in his room until he heard a door slam and felt arms wrapping around his torso trying to put a stop to the destruction of his room he was causing.

“Stop, Roman! Stop!” He was pretty sure he knew the voice but he still tried to turn the bat on the person holding him. It was hard and he was failing but that didn’t stop him. Nothing could stop him right now. The arms tightened their hold and the voice kept trying to placate him. “You are going to be alright, but you need to stop. You need to stop.”

“Let me go! No! No! Let go!” The arms let go and Roman turned to the voice with arms ready to swing the bat against whoever it was. It happened to be Logan who was standing there, his hair a mess, glasses on the floor, shirt rumpled, he had a gash on his cheek and was bleeding. His hands were raised in a defensive pose.

“Stop. you have to stop, think of Virgil. Roman, you need to think.” Roman is pretty sure that if Logan hadn’t mentioned Virgil he would have been too far gone to stop himself from swinging at him. As it were, he still swung the bat but let it go last second letting it fly and hit the wall opposite them. Looking around his room made the reality of what he had just done set in and he sat on the floor. Hands going up to rub his eyes to try to alleviate the sting that grew in them. Doing so only brought to his attention how bloody his hands were. That evaporated all traces of anger left in him.

“I… I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m profusely sorry if I injured you… I don’t know what happened…” Roman couldn’t look at Logan because he knew that would only bring guilt; he already had enough guilt. He knew in the back of his mind that the gash on Logan's cheek he'd seen was probably a result of flying mirror pieces. Upon looking at the floor his theory was confirmed when he saw there were some pieces stained with blood, he was also sure not all was Logan's. 

“Anger. We, or rather you, are going through the stages of grief. You went through shock, denial, and guilt… Seems you’ve reached Anger.” Logan sat next to him after what seemed like a minute of internal debate. Roman saw as Logan tried to move the glass with his feet and heard him hissed when a glass shard caught the back of his thigh, still, when he sat down. Roman reached and dusted the area, catching all the little pieces Logan's shoe had missed with his hand, so the older side could sit more comfortably.

“Why just me?” Roman side glanced at him, still not ready to fully face him, his voice nothing more than a whisper. He took that moment to find power from within himself and with two puffs he fixed Logan's clothes and appearance to what they usually were and set himself back in order. He considered fixing the room too while he waited for a response but Logan spoke up before he could.

“No, I do not believe you are the only one. Patton seems to be going through the stages too. With that in mind, I do think he reached anger a while back. I was wondering when you would follow that lead. I am not sure about Virgil… However, it is probable he is still in the Shock Stage, which is what I came to talk to you about before… Well, before it became urgent.” Logan didn’t turn to look at him, giving Roman the detachment he needed for this conversation. Instead, Roman could see the other throwing his eyes around the room without settling anywhere.

“What about it?” He finally asked the intellectual side, honestly curious about what he had to say.

“I can hear what is, no, let me-let me start over. As you know, I am connected to Thomas… The drugs did cut that connection for some time but I am now back to full connection. However weak it might be, it is still all there. That means…” He drifted off, sort of just staring off, like if bringing the subject up had caused him to tap into the physical world for a second. Roman didn't want to know what was happening in the real world.

“Logan?” Roman shifted, afraid to scare him, “Logan?”

“Right, sorry. I was…” Logan turned to fully look at him, blinking, trying to break himself from the sort of trans he was going into.

“You’re always there to some degree… right?” Roman laid his hand on the other's knee softly but a flinch made him move away.

“Right.” Logan nodded, turning his head up. He looked off and Roman realized then that out of all of them Logan seemed to be the one that hadn’t had a moment to recollect himself. 

“Look, Logan you migh-” Roman started because he thought maybe the older side should take a moment to recollect but was interrupted. 

“No, listen to me, I came here because I need you to know things.” Logan was back to business and that didn’t sit well with Roman, all of them were in this and it wasn’t fair to keep pinning responsibility on just one of them. “Next time Thomas needs comfort, it has to be me that does it. You and Patton cannot go back out. I can explain this later if you like we just don’t have time now, the important thing is that Virgil was correct. You and Patton cannot be out there.”

"Why?" Roman wanted to know the meaning behind the words Virgil. 

Logan carried on, "it doesn't matter right now, what matters is that I can't always be there and I need to trust that you and Patton will-"

“Why?!” Roman was tired of not knowing what was happening. Some part of him knew that Logan was right, they didn't have time to be arguing about these things, yet another part really just wanted to know what was going on. 

"Listen! Just listen and trust me. For once in your life do what you're told without questioning it! All you have to do is not leave the mindscape! Can you do that?" A harsh colored Logan's tone and it rubbed Roman just a little bit the wrong way. "Second thing, I need you and Patton to be careful around Virgil. He is currently in an extremely delicate state of mind and anything can set him off. Give him choices when you talk to him. Give him control because that is what is being taken from him at the moment.” Logan raised a hand to rub at his forehead, Roman figured a migraine was in his foreseeable future, and still, he kept talking. “The most important part, out of everything, is that you can not let him believe you are angry or upset in any way. You need to be in control of yourself and not try to do any of those outlandish gestures you're so prone to part-take in.”

“Basically you want me to turn into an expressionless robot, then!” Roman stood up then, the anger fueling him back up. Being told how to express his emotions irked Roman, more so when it was followed by an insult to how he usually dealt with things. 

“Yes, in the state Virgil is, and will more than probably continue to be in, it is basically inevitable for him to misinterpret things. That means that any vibe, emotion, or words you send his way, no matter what they are, have the possibility to not seem how they were intended to be to him! To further illustrate my point, let's say you are angry at the situation at hand. If you express that in front of him, he will think you are upset _with_ _him_ and I can not begin to explain to you how damaging that would be! That means that if you can’t keep your emotions under control around Virgil I will not let you be around him! Even if I have to tie you to a tree outside!” Logan had stood up at some point during his speech, and though he claimed to not be going through the stages himself, Roman felt like he was displaying something pretty close to anger.

“You can’t do that!” Got close to his face, he knew his friend was only trying to protect Virgil, it still made him angry that he thought he had so much control over him. Looking at Logan’s face, Roman watched it harden, and he couldn’t remember the last time they’d been this upset at each other. It was quiet for a second, and then he spoke up again.

“I can. And I will. Don't underestimate me, Roman. But let me humor you, just think for a second, would you like to be one of the many things that scare Virgil with your lack of control in regards to your emotional outbursts? Would you like to be responsible for causing him even more fear?!” Roman closed his eyes in defeat. Without knowing, Logan had dealt the worst blow he could have. He'd rather die than have Virgil fear him. He was about to respond when the lights went out. For a minute no one moved, their breathing the only thing that shifted in the dark before the lights came back on. A second later a scream rang out, both looked to the door and broke into a sprint, Logan beating him to the door by a millisecond, they made it to the top of the stairs and stopped short.

Virgil was sitting at the bottom landing, curled in on himself huddled against the wall. Patton was close, apparently trying to calm him down, which only seemed to stress him out more. Roman made an aborted move to him but Logan bodily stopped him sending a glare in his direction. 

“No! No! No! Please, pl-pl-please, please! Stop! Don’t touch me, don’t! Don’t touch me, please! Stop, stop, stop...” Virgil had his hands stretched out in front of him in a defensive manner, shaking them both as an attempt to fend off someone, anyone who tried to get too close like Patton, and as a way to continue saying no.

“I won’t, Virgil. I’m not going to do anything.” Roman watched as Patton shifted on his knees to seem smaller on the floor. “Virge, Virgil... I’m going to get closer, Virgil...” The moral side slid closer without waiting for a response.

“No! No! Wait, please! Please! I’ll be good, just, please… I’ll be good.” Virgil huddled closer to himself, eyes were squeezed shut. One of the two hands he was holding up dropped, going around his chest while the other one remained outstretched. That was too much for Roman and he tried going around Logan but the intellectual side seemed determined to keep Roman behind him, stopping him from coming down the rest of the stairs to Virgil, that didn’t stop Roman from pushing.

“Virgil, it’s us. Logan, Roman, and me. it’s us.” Patton tried to get closer again but all that caused was Virgil to scream again. Roman hated that sound, the sound of fear clawing its way out of the man he loved. He pushed at Logan again but the other still wouldn't move. 

“Stop, Patton, would you please move back and give Virgil some space?” Logan said finally taking a step down the stairs making Roman stumble a little at the momentary lack of resistance, he saw the darker side flinch at their movement. After a few second Patton still hadn't moved and Roman felt his impatience rise.

“Patton! Move!” Patton startled at Roman’s voice, he scrambled away then, realizing his mistake. Roman noticed the yell, also,  caused Virgil to jump and whimper a little, curling into himself even tighter and he regretted it, beginning to understand what Logan had meant about emotional outbursts.

“Roman, calm down or go to your room.” Logan turned to him, his voice was full of authority even as he whispered to him and after a second Roman nodded and raised his arms in surrender taking a step back up the steps. Logan took two steps down and then crouched to make himself as small as he could. “Virgil? Virgil, do you know who I am?”

The creative side watched as Virgil shook his head his hands going to his face to cover his eyes, he could tell it was more in denial and fear than to actually answer the question. His heart clenched again at the sight. He didn’t know what to do to help. 

“Virgil, it’s me, Logan. Do you think you could look at me? Could you do that?” Virgil again shook his head at the request, but, again, Roman didn’t think it was a response to the question. “Virgil, it's alright if you don't. However, I think it would help. You can make sure It’s me. Logan. Could you try to do that, please?” At that, the hands came down, and finally, Virgil’s eyes opened and they immediately sought out someone to comfort him. Eyes that looked way too young and afraid. Roman didn’t dare lose control of himself because if he did, even for a second, then he was going to hug his boy or scream and at this moment he knew that neither of those things seemed like the appropriate thing to do.

“Logan. Logan? Logan, please.” The hand that had previously been outstretched to stop was now stretching to reach. Roman watched as Logan raised his own and took Virgil’s trembling hand in his. Soothing it and squeezing it in between both of his.

“I’m here, but you need to breathe, can you do that? Breathe. Good, you’re doing good. Can you keep breathing?” Logan shifted closer and pulled Virgil in a little. This time Virgil went willingly, he even wrapped his arms around Logans’ neck pulling himself to him. Logan rubbed circles on his back to try to calm him but Virgil kept sobbing without a difference.

“Lo-Lo-Logan-Logan,  he, he,” Virgil coughed, and then without warning, he was throwing up, nothing but yellow liquid. Logan had told them once that was called bile, and that it came up when you throw up on an empty stomach. The last time Roman had seen Virgil vomit like this was because of Thomas’ break-up a couple years back, while they were all suffering, Virgil really had it bad then. 

The days following the break-up Virgil had been in such an anxious state that he kept making himself sick; he overworked himself thinking too much to the point that he couldn’t keep anything down; and, even though they hadn’t been on the best of terms back when that happened, Roman still remembers feeling bad for the darker side. Patton had been all over it trying to help and Logan had given a tip here and there to help, even explaining that it wasn't uncommon for anxiety to cause stomachaches and vomiting. If he remembers correctly, Roman thinks some Dark Sides got involved too when things got really bad. Roman remembers thinking how horrible it must have been to work yourself into such an unstable state.

Now, he feels useless again only being able to watch without being able to help at all.

“You’re ok, it’s ok, it happens. You’re doing good.” Logan kept rubbing circles on Virgil’s back, even though it was still not helping.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” The younger side wailed, choking on his own vomit a little as the next wave of fluid hit him. He spilled more bile on Logan and himself. He tried to move away, desperate, hurtful sounds leaving him, Logan trying to hold him so he wouldn't hurt himself. All of this was wrong and all Roman could do was silently cry and clench his hands at his side.

“It’s alright Virgil, I’m not mad. This is good, you’re doing good. You can’t keep this in you. You have to get the sick out. You’re doing good.” Logan hugged him tighter and Roman looked away. He knew it was illogical but he felt a sense of jealousy at not being able to hold and comfort Virgil himself. Yet, at the same time, he was thankful that there was someone to do it when he wasn’t able to. Someone, who in this case was better suited for it. 

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to! I’m sorry!” He coughed a wet sound, “Sorry! Sorry! I’m sorry! Don’t be mad!” Virgil looked around and his eyes seemed impossibly wide and red to Roman, he kept trying to find something but he wasn’t finding it and his eyes kept darting. Roman spared Patton a glance and noticed he was holding his hands to his mouth covering it to keep all sounds in. 

“I’m not-Virgil, are you able to look at me? Good, good, you’re doing good. I’m not mad, I'm not mad at you. You are good.” Logan pulled away and soothed his hair, his palms coming to resting on his cheeks. “You need to breathe,” the blue side turned to Patton who besides his hand hadn't moved otherwise. “Patton, could you please bring me a cup of water and some napkins or-or something, anything to-just-just-,” Logan waved his hand to try to get his point across. Patton got up in a hurry almost tripping over himself. 

Right then a wave of energy went through the mindscape and Roman looked at Logan and found that he was looking back, Roman saw panic in his eyes. 

“Thom-thomas, Thomas is waking up. I need-I need-” The purple side tried wiping his face with his bare arm, trying to get up but Logan stopped him. He soothed his hair once more to try to keep some semblance of calm and peace.

“Do you think it would be alright if I went out, instead of you? I need to talk to Thomas, would you like to rest a little?” Roman was confused for a moment as to why Logan was giving such a bad excuse to keep Virgil in the mindscape, and he was especially confused about why he was only asking yes or no questions, then he remembered what he had told him.

_Give him choices in what he does. Give him control because that is what is being taken from him at the moment._

“But I need to, he needs someone.” Virgil’s unease was growing again, Roman could tell the unease in the twitches he made. Patton came back from the kitchen with a plastic cup of water, a damp rag and a dry one. Exactly what they needed.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Do you want to? It’s alright if you don’t.” Logan looked up and took the damp rag, beginning to slowly wipe Virgil’s face. Roman could see that he was trying to slowly coax Virgil into making the decision to stay. 

“I don’t really, I mean if I don't hav-... but If I have to I can, but if… I can. I can do it. I can go out. I can go out.” Panic blossomed on his face again but Logan cut it short before it blew up any further.

“Just answer one question, ok Virgil? Can you answer one question honestly? That's all I need from you.” The younger side nodded. "If you didn't have to, would you want to go back out there right now?” After a few seconds, Virgil shook his head. He covered his mouth to stop the sobs coming out. He started to shake his head in his distress once more, curling his shoulders in and trying to stop any sound from leaving him. After a second he spoke up again.

“But I can do it! I can be good! I can do it!” Roman finally couldn’t stop himself and knelt by Logan.

“You don’t have to Virgil. Logan can do it, he wants to help.” Virgil stared at him with tearful eyes, and Roman hated that pained look. Another pulse of energy traveled through the mindscape. One look in the direction of the other two on the floor made Roman noticed that Logan looked a little restless, and he could understand. On one hand, Virgil really needed him since it seemed he was clinging to the older side most, on the other hand, if he waited any longer there was a chance Thomas would wake up alone in that basement. Finally, it looked like he made his choice when he stood up. 

“I’m gonna go out to talk to Thomas alright Virgil? Are you going to be alright if I leave you with Patton and Roman?” Virgil looked at the two sides mentioned and after a second too long he nodded, silent tears continuing to flow. Logan stood up and grabbed Roman by the shoulder last second, pulling him up with him. They took a few steps down closer to the couch and after making sure Patton had taken their place with Virgil he started whispering.

“Remember what I told you, alright? No anger or any other negative emotions, at all. Give him options. And don’t leave him unless he tells you he wants to be alone. Even then make constant rounds to check on him. Try to feed him, I couldn't earlier. Roman, please just be careful. Be cautious around him.” Roman nodded at the instructions. “Please take care of him, I’ll be back. I have to leave now before Thomas fully awakens. Do you mind?” Logan gestured towards his shirt and pants and with one swift move Roman cleaned him up. 

With that Logan took his spot and sank from sight, immediately after soft sobs caught his attention. He looked at Patton and Virgil, the latter had a hand covering his mouth trying to keep the noises in. Patton was pushing a glass of water at him.

“Come on, kiddo. Just one sip, you can do it.” Virgil looked at Patton then at Roman and finally reached with shaking hands for the glass and took a sip, after a few more sips it seemed his hands couldn't hold on any longer and he dropped the glass that clattered to the floor, water spread all over the floor and Virgil. Roman took the dry rag and dried Virgil best he could making shushing sounds as the other cried harder.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! I'll fix it!" He cried and apologized over and over and over. Roman hated every second of it. 

“Don’t worry, Virgil. We’re here. You’re ok. We’re not mad at you. None of us.” He kept wiping at him, "we'll take care of you. _I'll_ take care of you. Don't worry."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: So like I said editing took soooo long. Sorry about that! Just to give you all an idea: Pre-editing this chapter was approximately 3,200; post-editing the count was at 4,500... so yeah.
> 
> A few notes: I know Virgil seems even worse here than in previous chapters but if we look at the events, while things up to this point have been worrisome and non-con and scary, nothing had been violent. The part where there was head-pulling got a little violent but it was stopped by Feet Guy. The drugs took the struggle away, so there again was no violence in it. In the chapter before last, we saw the attacker get really violent. That threw Virgil in for a downward spiral real fast. So... yeah. Sorry!
> 
> Second, I just want to mention that even though Roman thinks he's bad for some of the things he was feeling, he isn't. The loved ones of the victims have just as much right as the victim to feel scared and have all these confusing emotions. Grief, shock, and trauma are hard for everyone. 
> 
> Third: Thanks for reading everyone. I love all your comments which I'm about to go answer. If you have questions or comments or anything you can find me at yellowsky2314.tumblr.com 
> 
> And if anyone has a moment to spare, I am looking to do a long term series where I write shorts based on my work experiences. I made a post asking for help on placing characters on my tumblr so if all of you who can help it would be appreciated. It's tagged "Sanders Teachers AU", thanks!
> 
> Like I was saying earlier I have a rant. Just because I'm me and I have to make these things long... So yeah, depression is mentioned so if that triggers you please be safe, ok guys? Thanks!
> 
> So part of the reason I didn't update was work and school and family. You know, normal stuff. However, part was because I was constantly sick these past few weeks. My meds kept making me sick. So I had told my doctor that I didn't feel good with my meds, which were supposed to help with hormonal balance... I was constantly vomiting (TMI I know, sorry) and with headaches and not good altogether. So I went to see her again and she said that the side effects weren't that significant but we could try something else, a lower dose. So we went to the lower dose when really I just wanted to try new meds. Well, the lower dose. 
> 
> WELL, THIS ONE WAS WORSE!! The other one made me physically sick all the time, but this one was messing with my emotions. I didn't want to get out of bed anymore, I was tired all the time, I lost interest in so many things, I was having horrible crying fits and panic attacks. At one point I started bawling my eyes out for 35 minutes because my mom stole a scoop of my tub of ice cream! My mom got worried and we went to the doctor again, we tried telling them it was the meds but they said no, that the meds didn't have this type of side effects, so after one session they were going to diagnose me with depression, which to that point I'd never showed any symptoms of having. 
> 
> My mom got mad and demanded a change of medication. She said that I'd never shown symptoms of depression before and I'm very open (as you can see by all my Author's Notes) about everything. I tell her everything and she didn't think it sounded right, because while she did think it was signs of developing depression it was strange it started suddenly with the meds. So she demanded a change of meds. 
> 
> After a month on these new meds, I have gone back to how I was, no unusual changes in mood or behavior. I'm doing things like before like if nothing ever happened. We're convinced it was the medicine. Maybe even some sort of negative placebo effect type deal, even if the doctor doesn't believe us. 
> 
> So this was a long way of telling you that if something doesn't feel right, it's probably wrong. Don't just take it, because it will affect you even if it takes time it'll start to affect you... So anyway... sorry. Long rant. I apologize. BYE!


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